Wonderful (catch the scarcasm)

Ok, so last night, great times. Actually, other than the first bar being really cool and the second having an old man and his son buy rounds of shots and games of pool... It was crap! Here's how it went down: I called Leigh-Ann earlier in the day and we all decided to go out and get a few drinks with Kristi. So they picked me up and brought a friend from their lil neighborhood, Daniel. In the car, they kept saying things like "if you get drunk and fall in the water, we aren't gonna help and you can swim home" "don't be belligerent tonight" and on and on. Maybe they just don't know that crap actually hurts. We all went to Ray's in Mt. Pleasant, which is amazingly cool. There's this upstairs part where you can sit on comfy sofas. That part was really fun. There was this awkward part where Kristi and Daniel left and Leigh-Ann and I were just there, and we basically sat in silence for like 10 min. So, we left and went to Tracy's in West Ashley. Very different from the other place. There was a really great cover band, they even played weezer off the green album! Random song that only real weezer fans know! Props for that. Then this older gentleman started buying us drinks and paying for our pool games. Haha, fun times. Well, I was doing much better and then we got lemon drops... Not only did it taste like crap but something happened and I couldn't see straight or anything. Whoa, not good. Well, see then it gets better. I told Leigh-Ann "I'm not as f-ing stupid as you think" and though it's what I felt there had to be a better way of saying it. Because now its prolly all crap again. No excuse Sir, no excuse Sir. It all sucks, because I miss them and they could care less. Honestly, I don't even know where it all went down or when. Just one day, I was the dispensable one. Lucky me.

Ucho. hahahaha

you scored as Darth Vader. Darth Vader 78% General Grievous 67% Padme Amidala 67% Anakin Skywalker 64% Clone Trooper 58% Yoda 56% Obi Wan Kenobi 53% C-3PO 50% R2-D2 50% Emperor Palpatine 44% Chewbacca 39% Mace Windu 39%

Ok, this quiz... hahahaha. I'm the evil darth vader. but on the upside... get to be the originator of "Luke, I am your father!" So its ok if I go around saying it for a few days! Also, though I'm 'evil' and went to the dark side with the disallusions of saving Paedmay (even though we all know I just wanted the power because "somethings wrong, I'm not the Jedi I'm supposed to be") there is still the question of my being the chosen one, which is pretty darn cool!!!

been thinking...

Ok, so there has been this thought in my head lately and I've been trying to surpress it. Karen, Keturah and I went to Garden City to see Keith's band, Sedgefield Drive, yesterday and they have this song: One Good Thing

...regret will haunt you all your days...
letting go wont come so easy so hold onto your one good thing.
Let me be your one good thing, Let me be the song you sing,
Let me be the one to take you back to where we started...
Let me hold you through the night, tell you everythings alright,
mend your broken heart and be your one good thing! ~Sedgefield Drive

Have you ever thought that maybe you had that one true thing and gave it up? Something amazing, that you let go and ran from? I have the worst timing ever, bc you are happy now. I know that. I dont even know how to say this and you know that about me. I screwed it up and have just been thinking about you a lot lately, even before you called the other day. Crap. You are this amazing person and I just messed it up. I know you're happy, and maybe this is where it ends, but I dono. Have been wondering that a lot. Ok, let me know when you read this.

hmm.

had some classes today, boo for that. stayed awake in all of them which is a big plus. this weekend, i work the whole time, boo for that. but yeah for getting to work with my trainer, kyle, who is super cute w/his short red hair that is jelled! then i saw this happy couple making out and i was sure whether to be like "get a room" or "i wana boy to makeout with" haha maybe it was a mixture. Ok, enough rambling. bed time

questions

I had this revelation today. I hate being the 'friend'. I love friends but not when I want more. Throughout highschool, I was the friend. Brice and I have gone through this over and over and ended up friends. And that ended up being a great thing. Then I got Keith, a great guy! He was amazing and everything I coulda asked for, and I gave him up for someone I wanted and was around all the time earlier this year but again, ended up being only friends with. My question is why does this happen? Do I give off that vibe? Arg! I have some of the best guy friends in the world. Maybe, current situations have made me think of this. I am usually surprisingly cool with it in the moment, and can move on quickly. But when everyone around you is getting paired off, it sucks to see them all so happy. God has a plan. True. I believe that. But patience has never ever been one of my virtues and if He is trying to teach it to me... boo! It's a good thing to learn, but I dont want it right now! haha OK enough of that kind of talk haha. night

JIMMY EAT WORLD - Your House Lyrics

When you're on, I swear you're on.
You rip my heart right out. You rip my heart right out.
I think the whole room can hear me clear my throat.
You rip my heart right out. You rip my heart right out.
If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, don't call.

Then out of nowhere, put me right back there.
Rip my heart out, you rip my heart right out.
And we know what happens when we get to your house.
Rip my heart out, you'll rip my heart right out.
If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, please don't, tell me now.
If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, don't call.

I throw away everything I've written you.
Oh anything just keep my mind off of it, thinking how I had you once.
No, I can't forget that.
Sometimes I wish I could loose you again.
You're winning me over with everything you say.
You rip my heart right out. You rip my heart right out.
When I let you closer, I only want you closer.
You rip my heart right out. You rip my heart right out.
If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, please don't, tell me now.
Yeah, if you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, don't call.
If you love me at all..

2 entries in 1 day... whoa

So, today started off sucking and maybe in actuality, it did, because I am now destined to be even more poor at least for a while, and doomed to once again job-hunt (shivers!). However, on the upside, tons of work was accomplished at the library today. Finally almost caught up in philosophy. Then Karen and I went on a mega shopping trip to tjmaxx (oh no wait, it was marshalls! haha) and spent way too much, especially for not having a job. Then Aaron came over and the three of us chilled. Pretty uneventful, but really needed!
The real question is why I didn't just call to quit East Bay earlier this week when I knew I wanted to. No... I just wanted to show up and get fired and tell him I was planning on quitting anyways. That sucks. Totally wouldnt have felt so bad if I had just quit, but its like him saying we're letting you go sucks. I worked there longer than anyone and he's a jerk 99% of the time and yet I dealt with him and his moodiness. Oh well, sure I dont always have a great attitude, but I worked hard and did what was asked. Oh well, moving on to better paying jobs. No more pennies for hard labor!

Stupidity

Great title huh? Do you ever feel that you are more of a jerk than not? More of someone that uses people than not? More of a person who is selfish than not? More of a person who does what they want instead of what they should? I have been feeling that way a lot lately. This year I have become complacent. Not just with school but with everything; numb in a sense. Which seems worse than feeling a great amount of pain or anger or happiness. Numbness. Whoa. Have I become judgemental of everyone and everything around? Man, if that one is true, then that sucks and needs to be changed immediately. Just want to hide from it all. Can that be done? I want to go home but dont want to be there either because there is too much saddness there surrounding Nana. Direction and ambition and direction and caring have all left. Got Fired from work today. Well, I went in to quit, but it still sucks just the same. Don't want to be this person anymore. Sorry this is so un-uplifting. Just the mood of the moment. Sitting here, even now doing what should not be done. Typing on this stupid thing instead of studying. I want to be that person I once was. Where did that person go? Is it still inside? And if yes, why is it hiding. Ok, enough introspectiveness. Enough! Time to work and focus and study and find a job and find myself again.

Great week tainted... (continued)

Don't really remember what I wrote a lil bit ago, but sure it wasn't much. If you read this nan... I am really missing you lately. Maybe it's because youre gone for 2 weeks. But check your email, you got the longest email ever written! Friends here are great, but they arent you! But then, no one could be like you. You are the craziest girl I know, who loves her friends more deeply than anyone I've ever met. You are always so down on yourself about school, but your gift is not school, but everyone. What a cool gift to be able to make everyone feel better and laugh and cry and smile...

So, what made this week good? Been getting to know someone who's possibly pretty cool. That's always fun. Starting to exercise more... whoa it's needed badly. Not having a horribly tough week back of classes. Seeing the stingrays play. Sonic w/Karen. Talking to her is always amazing!!! Thanks sweetie (haha). Finally getting back into Devotions and spending time w/Christ. Being reminded of how amazing His love is and what He did on the Cross.

What made it bad? First off, getting my boob killed in football (thanks aaron). jk, that was just temporarily painful, then just really funny. Finding out that one of my best friends would rather lie to me to get outta hanging out than be straight w/me. Such a great thing to find out. Pray that there can be some mending there, from whatever went awry, something I dont even know!

This coming week is the week before Easter. Friday is Good Friday. Why is it good when our Savior was put through hell, literally, for us? It is good because He loved you and He loved me so incredibly much that He willingly went into the pits of Hell to give us a way outta the pits! Hell, as I learned in church, is not just a terrible place, but it is a place devoid of God. None of us, even those w/out Christ have ever experienced a day w/out His blessings such as the day and the night. Hell is a place where those suffering can see believers Praising God while they are in eternal damnation. Crazy that that could be considered good isnt it? Well, it is, by God's nature, the only Just thing He can do. By His nature, He cannot forever "hate the sin and love the sinner" as we like to say. But there will come a day when God will turn from the unbelieves and say, "Depart from me, I knew you not!" But Good Friday and Easter provide a way to have Him say, "Come" He Died and Rose to forgive us of EVERYTHING that we have done...Praise God for that!

Great week tainted...

Hey kids....
This blog keeps getting ignored. Sorry. But maybe that means I have finally gotten a life and dont sit here and ponder all day or maybe that I just am getting sick of typing. haha It has been great being back... well sonic is calling karen and I, but more to come... promise

Most Fun Weekend

What's up kids? So, Friday... I got to hang out w/Karen and Abe. He is really sweet, even if he did wear shorts when even I thought it was cold out. But what a fun guy.

Then Saturday... The greatest day ever. Let's see, after like 5 hours of sleep I had to be on campus to work the math meet which was surprisingly fun. Then, I raced to work for a few hours where it was super busy. Then as soon as I got off it was time to go to the COFC vs CITADEL game. We won by a lot... almost double. After that we went to Kickin' Chicken and then to the Citadel oyster roast so Lindsay could hang out w/Jordan. While we were there I found Michael. He was so far gone, but really funny. So I took his keys after the party got busted by some cops and drove his truck back to my place where he crashed.

Once he fell asleep Keturah, Lindsay, Jordan and I went salsa dancing. Oh my gosh, that is so fun. I danced with everyone that night. Must have been my sexy shirt! haha. So, this Mexican man was a great dancer and kept asking me to dance, so I was like "cool" but after a while he asked me a question and I couldn't understand so I was like "do you mean into the middle of the floor?" and he apparently didn't understand me either and said "yeah" so he started heading towards the back and I stopped and said "are we going to the middle?" and he said "yeah" and kept going to the back. Well, I started to realize that he prolly didn't really say he wanted to go the the middle of the dance floor so I said "hey, I have to find me friends and tell them where I'm going" and I ran away haha.

I kept getting asked to dance by this guy, Matt, from the citadel. Only after a few minutes he would pass me off to his friend each time. I was like "what is going on" but the other guy (who's Asianish!?!?... Nan would like that) started following me and talking to me and stuff. He was such a bad dancer (but hey, so am I, so it was funny) but when I was leaving he ran out and said, "thank you for dancing with me, do you think I could call you sometime so we can go out?" and I said "sure." Well, as my luck would have it, he called tonight and so we're getting coffee on Wed. Hopefully it'll be good. Coffee is always good at least. But I just thought that was very random. Augee... Yeah that's his name. Anyways, yeah for spring break starting in 4 days!!!!!!!

TEN random things about me:
10) Though some people hate christian music, it keeps me grounded.
9) I really tried to be ambidextrious when I was young; i didnt work
8) I have a few bathroom issues
7) Sometimes I really miss calvin, or maybe I just would like to rewrite that part of life, though it has influenced me greatly.
6) I really miss my puppies oh and my goldfish moe
5) I have an uncanny ability to remember all of my friends, even if we were friends when we were 5 and havent seen eachother since then
4) I would like to go back to being a kid and enjoy each nap I was forced to take
3) I will never forget my Josephine!!! I miss you my favorite car!
2) Yes, I not only named my car but talked to her!
1) I love being on/in the water

NINE places I've visited:
9) Florida
8) Michigan
7) California
6) New York
5) Paris
4) Bermuda
3) St. Maarten
2) Pennsylania
1) Missouri

EIGHT things I want to do before I die:
8) Find a Godly guy who shares my beliefs and values.
7) Marry him.
6) Have kids.
5) Be middle aged and happy, content with life
4) Have a house where I can see both the woods and water from my bedroom window
3) stay strong in the Lord
2) Understand Math
1) Live on a Boat for a summer

SEVEN ways to win my heart:
7) Love God more than you love me.
6) No games
5) Family has gotta be important
4) Character
3) Understand my sense of humor and have one as well
2) have a pensive side where you can talk for hours and then just be able to do nothing together.
1) Be committed to purity; and respect me.

SIX things I believe in:
6) God
5) Love
4) there is a true right and wrong.
3) Heaven.
2) Hell.
1) Stupid People do exist.

FIVE things I'm afraid of:
5) Being fully known
4) Never finding a man who will love me as i love him
3) Loosing sight of Christ
2) My friends turning away from the Truth
1) toilets.

FOUR of my favorite items in my room:
4) My stereo ]
3) My bed.
2) oh oh my sheets
1) the view from my window

THREE things I do every day:
3) Sleep.
2) Check my e-mail
1) Daydream

TWO things I'm trying not to do right now:
2) study
1) get dressed (haha yes i just got outta the tub)

ONE person I want to see right now:
1) Either my Nana or Nan

The Problem of Evil...

Weird title Huh? Well, its the book I'm reading for Religious studies and it actually had something I love in it:

Holy Sonnet 14
Batter my heart, three-personed God; for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn and make me new.
I, like an usurped town, to another due,
Labor to admit you, but O, to no end;
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captivated, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betrothed unto your enemy.
Divorce me, untie or break that knot again;
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

This reminds me of another poem...

Birches
So was I once myself a swinger of birches.
And so I dream of going back to be.
It's when I'm weary of considerations,
And life is too much like a pathless wood
Where your face burns and tickles with the cobwebs
Broken across it, and one eye is weeping
From a twig's having lashed across it open.
I'd like to get away from earth awhile
And then come back to it and begin over...
One could do worse than be a swinger of birches. ~Frost

Out of Control

Do you ever feel like life has spun away from you? Like the world is going round and round but you are just sitting there watching it? Maybe there has been too much going on, I dono. But there is this apathy towards everying and everyone. Maybe it's pms and I'm sure thats a part of it but not all. Feeling homesick yet finding that strange. Part of it has to be because of my grandparents. Even though things are settling a little, it's so hard to be here and really long to be there with them and for them. Can't focus on homework, class or anything else. Just want to sleep and sleep a lot (maybe forever... maybe not). Hate that I feel this way. Sure, it's depression creaping in and I realize this. However, I am working on it and getting help. Why are some people more prone towards this than others? I really just want to sit and talk with Karen for hours and I wish Nan was here. I'm so incredibly happy for her. Maybe it's selfish, but it's hard to talk to her. To realize how far away she is, To know that in reality I'm not in her life and she's not in mine. I guess it kinda just sucks to have worked so hard at that friendship, to have made it as deep as it is. It's like I'm stuck in this weird place right now. Ok, well since no one reads this I dont feel bad about writing this, its theraputic. Haha. Ok, well off to homework

Long Time Since...

Hey Friends,
So haven't updated this with all the new exciting info that you all really wana know. So, last Wednesday (Feb 2) was my 21nd birthday. Haha. Well, in the afternoon I went to the Liquor store w/Susan and bought Vodka, Kuala and Coconut Rum. Cassi supplied the Coke and OJ! (thanks girl). Then Rach, Keturah, Karen, Susan, Cassi, Leigh-Ann and I went to California Dreaming. Whoa, those Strawberry Daquiris are yummy. So after that we came back to my place where we were joined by Kristi Ford! Had a few drinks... ok a lotta drinks but it was good. Wana see some funny pics? Just ask bc I have quite a few. Apparently Drunk Christy is funny.

I went home on Friday for my nana. Spent 9 hours in the car and she knew who I was. So that was good. However on Saturday she was worse and pretty non-responsive. They said it was because in order to calm her they gave her Tranqualizers and was apparently too strong. So I went back up on Sunday and she was better. She ate pudding and apple sauce and drank some milk and coffee. It was great. I came back on Monday and was told she was even better. Today they moved her to a nursing home/rehabilitation place and mom said nana cried about being there. So sad. I cannot even imagine not being able to get the words that I want out. Please keep praying for them (mom and nana). thanks

My Nana

Mable Hansen, my nana, is the greatest. I remember being little and going on car rides to crazy restaurants and trips to Flordia and her teaching me to swim and watching Anne of Green Gables for hours with me in Gumpy's chair. I can't imagine life without her. She's crazy... I admit that. She was a lil crazy and particular forever... but within the past few years she has developed Dimensia and it has been slowly stealing her memories from her. It has been frustrating and sad all at the same time. Hearing stories of how she just drove around the beltway and missed her exit because she forgot where she was going and a few weeks ago not knowing how to get to the grocery store and driving me in circles for 45 min. I hate how frustrated I got. I love her with everything in me. I spent more time with her as a child than with my parents. I'm listening to Nat King Cole and Frank Sinatra. She would love it. She loves to leave her radio on, so quietly that you can barely hear it, and listen to it all day. Little things that will never be the same.
Today, she had a major stroke on the left side of her brain. We knew it was coming (because her mom died from a stroke in her mid 80's, which is Nana's age) but that doesn't mean I was or am prepared. I've never lost a family member and she is not gone in the fullest sense yet. However, mom got permission for her to talk to me tonight and I couldn't understand a word she was saying. I was on the Cooper River Bridge driving to get Kamisky's with Karen and Rachel and had to pull over and sob outside of the Days Inn hotel. The only thing I managed to understand was something so typical of Nana that I cried even more. She said, "well I'm going to put on my shoes and leave" haha, she never wanted to stay somewhere she was told to stay. Somewhat stubborn she is! I heard mom saying "tell her you love her" and then Nana like forgot she was talking to me and was like "yes, I do" and so I just kept saying "I love you Nana, I love you" Over Thanksgiving I played Frank Sinatra on the Computer and she was singing along to it. I would give anything to have her tell me a story and tuck me in just like so long ago. She was found on the floor of the room I slept in in their house.
Hey prognosis is 50/50. There is still bleeding on her brain and it's very possible that she will have another stroke tonight or tomorrow. But if not, there is still no way she can take care of herself anymore. She was so independent, even to it being a problem. They said she is comfortable right now, but she knows what is happening and is frustrated by it. My prayer is that she is comfortable and hopefully that she can stay with us until I can get there!

THE EVERYDAY SURVIVAL KIT

Toothpick-- to remind you to pick out the good qualities in others. (Matthew 7:1)
Rubber band-- to remind you to be flexible; things might not go the way you want, but it will work out. (Romans 8:28)
Band Aid-- to remind you to heal hurt feelings, yours or someone else's. (Colossians 3:12-14)
Pencil-- to remind you to list your blessings everyday. (Ephesians 1:3)
Eraser-- to remind you that everyone makes mistakes, and it's okay... (Genesis 50:15-21)
Chewing gum-- to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything. (Philippians 4:13)
Mint-- to remind you that you are worth a mint to your Heavenly Father. (John 3:16-17)
Candy kiss-- to remind you that everyone needs a kiss or a hug everyday. (1st John 4:7)
Tea bag-- to remind you to relax daily and go over that list of God's Blessings. (1st Thessalonians 5:18)

I saw this on Rachel's xanga and thought how it really applied to my life lately. A friend who scared with their anger seems to be trying to reach me again. Life definitely hasn't been following my plan... just ask about my cars (yes plural), grandpa, grandma, Rob's family, math classes. But you know what, my plan is not God's. gotta remember that, and boy is it hard at times. However, in the midst of all my trama, God had a different plan. Rather than letting me wallow, He called me to be there for someone else. Which I must say is nice to just sit and listen and feel for someone else. A blessing in times of sorrow.
When I have been straying, Zechariah 1:3 "This is what the LORD ALMIGHTY says: 'Return to me,' declares the LORD ALMIGHTY, 'and I will return to you,' says the LORD ALMIGHTY." Whoa. In the Word, they used repitition to emphasize or bolden certain phrases... and what struck me most was not what was said... but that it is being emphasized that the LORD really means it. Whoa. Such a great thing to learn.

Funeral

I called Rob this morning and found out that the funeral was at St. John's church on John's Island at 2pm. So, I went to suport him. I got there and was thinging "what am I doing here" "just be quiet" "dont let your shoes make noice". I parked really far away because there were SO many people there. Well, everyone was waiting outside and then after 10 min about 75 people went in, but at least 200 people were still outside. Well, Rob must have seen me walk up because he left his group and came over stood next to me and rubbed my back for a min or so. We looked at eachother and nodded, then he left to go back where he had to be. He didn't get to go in either even though Andrew was his cousin but he and a few of his other cousins stood at the steps of the church. He had his jaw clinched the whole time (i could tell) and he glanced over a few times. I am so glad that I went and showed him that I was there for him. When I called him this morning, as if the funeral wasnt enough his dad went into the hospital. So if you all can please remember them in your prayers.
My prayer has been: "Lord you know how it feels to loose a son; the most precious person to you; so give them the comfort that only you can give"

Pray for the Edgerton's

If you would, can you please remember to pray for Rob and his family? There has been a recent death in the family, and I am not sure I have ever heard of a family being as close as this one. It was a teenage boy, Andrew, who was driving up 95 with a friend to watch the 2005 Inaguaration. So, please remember to pray for them.

You Don't Know Me

You give your hand to me and then you say, "Hello."

And I can hardly speak, my heart is beating so.

And anyone can tell you think you know me well.

Well, you don't know me.(no you don't know me)

No you don't know the one who dreams of you at night;

And longs to kiss your lips and longs to hold you tight

Oh I'm just a friend. That's all I've ever been.

Cause you don't know me. (no you don't know me)

For I never knew the art of making love,

Though my heart aches with love for you.

Afraid and shy, I let my chance go by.

A chance that you might love me too. (love me too)

You give your hand to me, and then you say, "Goodbye."

I watched you walk away, beside the lucky guy

Oh, you'll never ever know the one who loved you so.

Well, you don't know me

Worst Vacation Ever!

Hey,

So I got home around midnight just about a week ago and what an eventful week it has been. Discovered I received my very first D on a report card (evil abstract math!). However the 303 (next class) teacher emailed me a pratice test and will help me along based on that work. Well, I found out about that on Thursday and thought that life was pretty crappy at that moment. Apparently, it can/does get worse. Monday night, I went to meet Katie Kern and Lindsay Wallace at AACS. In the parking lot, I hit black ice, skidded and my car smacked into the curb/fence in the Guam part of the lot. Tried to drive it home, it didn't happen. Got it towed to the Honda Dealer and they said it was $2,100 in damage, so basically it's totaled. Gesh, my lil baby Josephine crumpled. Today I got her towed home and backed her into her final spot. Just glancing at her, it looks like the tire is a little messed up and the quarter panel is cracked, but apparently the entire front end stuff on the left is broken. So I have to figure out a way to sell her. Mom said it was God's protection that I didn't hit another car because I could have been really hurt seeing as how my car just folded up! :( Also, it happened in a time when I'm home, and am getting Kate's car in 2 weeks. (ok mom is playing her singing ornament over and over....) Another protection is that I only hurt the civic and not another car or a person.

On a slightly happier note: my mom always wanted my grandfathers Mercedes. They don't get along but that's what she has always wanted, his car. Well, he offered it to my dad, who turned it down. Suffice to say, mom was mad at him... Well, the man he was going to sell it to fell through (didn't have enough money) so he told me to make him an offer. I said I have $10 in my pocket and he said "deal." So hopefully, I bought my mom that car! Which would be a sweet deal. Car for her, Car for me! Ok, enough rambling about this week.

Home

Just in case you are wondering, I am in Annapolis. Back for christmas break and not really doing anything. I am quite enjoying the fact that I do not have anything to do and therefore I really am doing nothing. What a wonderful vacation. Ok back to doing nothing, maybe I'll actually write something productive tomorrow...

Finally, my Casey girl gets up close and personal with my camera 

Daisy and my Drew man! 

Softball. Spring 2004. Game over. Did we win? prolly not, but who cares 

Me and Nan. This might be from one of our first times hanging out. Who knew what would come from that! 

Nancy Jane... a typical Picture 

Yeah for Minney Mouse's House! 

Fun Hats in Disney during Fall Break! 

Me in mom's tight lil z3! Top down in freezing weather! 

You are the Loyalist
6
You have strong relationships and are intensely loyal.
People find you easy to love and care for.
You like your world to be stable and secure, no surprises.
You're cautious. You prefer your inner circle to the outside world.

Been a while

So exams are almost over. Abstract Math, Astronomy, Anthropology and Differential Equations... all finished. However, it's still iffy as to whether I have to retake abstract or not. Yuck. Well, now I get to chill until Wednesday and my linear algebra final. Yuck for that too. The material isn't horrible, but somehow I don't do well. Then it's time to drive home.

Nan is staying with me Tuesday night which I'm way excited about. My last night in Charleston for a while, and the last night I get to be with my best friend for a really long time. She is scared that she will be forgotten. But how can I forget her? She is a huge part of my life and I'm not going to let her be forgotten, ever! My Nanners... you might be 1/2 way around the world, but you will still be with us and we will be with you, always! We might even love you enough to check on Michael for ya! You are going to have an amazing time. Your fear about being forgotten is impossible bc we are sisters. Sisters in the Lord (and yeah, it sounds cheesy, but it's a real thing) and that bond doesnt just disappear in 3 months. just in case you were wondering!

So this Rob thing is killing me. I really like him, and pretty sure he likes me, but it's like neither of us will make the first move. We sit really close and talk on the phone at least every day. Ok, I'm going to make a move tomorrow when he finishes his differential equations exam and calls to tell me about it.

Maybe the most important news is that I joined Ashley River Baptist Church today. Stood infront of the entire congregation and declared that I love Jesus and want to become a member. Then I was told that I have to have believers baptism (yeah for being dunked). So yeah for that!

Last Fun Weekend in Charleston

Whats up? Friday night and Saturday night were so fun. Friday was the BCM Christmas party. We played games and ate (as baptists are good at doing) and basically hung out. Then, Keturah, Leigh-ann, Michael R, Chad and I went and rented MAN OF FIRE and lots of people came over and watched it. It was quite interesting to say the least. Then Saturday I had to work in the afternoon, but that evening was supposed to be girls night. Well, apparently Mollie invited Chad and Michael, which was ok. We went to dinner at O'Charley's and then saw the lights. Yeah, I had to squeeze into the trunk of the envoy w/the 2 citadel boys, but whatever. Sunday... we went to church, then lunch over at Judy's house, then to the mall. However, someone should have told leigh-ann and I that there was a parade down Broad street Sunday afternoon bc we couldnt get backto our apartment complex bc everything was baracaded off. Finally, someone else must have been fed up too bc they moved the baracade and we followed them.

Monday was the last official day of classes. But abstract class... yeah she made us have class today. So, basically my life since Sunday afternoon until Thurs at 12 (when the exam starts) is devoted to Abstract and studying for this exam, bc then the class of death.... IS OVER!!!!!

When winter comes in summer

When there's no more forever

That's when I'll stop loving you

I'm sure youve heard these words before

And I know it's hard for you to trust them once more

You're afraid it all might end in a broken heart it's scared of breaking again

Cause you gotta believe me I'll never leave you.

You'll never cry as long as I'm am there

And I will always be there You will never be without, no

That's when I'll stop loving you, yeah

As long as sunlight lights the sky

The light of love will be found in these eyes of mine

And I will shine that light for you

You're the only one I'll ever give this heart to

What I'm trying to say is nothing will change this Loving on
time you will find there Cause I will always be there

You will always have all my love

Makes You Smile

So, I checked my email and discovered that Nicole had left a post on this blog. That is so cool. She was my suitemate at Calvin for about 2 months, and she was amazing. Fun and easy going. I remember going to Meijer with her around midnight one night in my car and when we came out it had sleeted and the parking lot was empty. So I taught her to drive my car on the ice. It was scary and memorable. Just wanted to let her and all the other people from Calvin know that even though I wasnt there long, that you have impacted my life in ways you will never know. When I left, it was for wrong reasons. Though it has worked out in the end, it will always be something I regret and a time I wish I could get back to and fix.

You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This

I've got a funny feeling the moment that your lips touched mine
Something shot right through me, My heart skipped a beat in time
There's a different feel about you tonight
It's got me thinkin' lots of crazy things
I even think I saw a flash of light, It felt like electricity

You shouldn't kiss me like this unless you mean it like that
Cause I'll just close my eyes and I won't know where I'm at
We'll get lost on this dance floor
Spinnin' around and around and around

They're all watchin' us now, They think we're falling in love
They'd never believe we're just friends
When you kiss me like this I think you mean it like that
If you do baby kiss me again

Everybody swears we make the perfect pair
But dancing is as far as it goes
Girl you've never moved me quitethe way you moved me tonight
I just wanted you to know
I just wanted you to know ~Toby Keith

Praise

You said, "ask and you will receive whatever you need."

You said, "pray and I'll hear from heaven, and I'll heal your land."

You said "Your glory will fill the earthlike water the sea".

You said, "lift up your eyes;the harvest is here, the kingdom is near."

You said, "ask and I'll give the nations to you."

oh Lord, that's the cry of my heart.

distant shores and the islands will see

Lord, Let this song be my prayer. Let your Kingdom be near. Father help me to see your harvest here, in Charleston. Give me boldness to do your Will and strive after you with EVERYTHING that I am. Take my heart and let it be transformed to your will. I say "Jesus, it's all about you, I want to be fully yours" but is that true? If it's not Lord, Make it true. Make my life about enlarging your Kingdom. Amen

Great Weekend

Whats up my friends? So this weekend was amazingly fun. What a relief and stress-breaker it is to finally get a Friday and Saturday night off from work. So what did I do with all this free time you ask? Well, Friday I chilled and went running for about 45 min. It was nice not to be counting down the hours until work began. Then Kristi Ford came over and played the "knock on the wall" game with the next door neighbors. (It's actually quite amusing bc it can go on for hours!!!)

Then Saturday, I woke up and went straight to work and worked until 6. Got off and Keturah and Nan came over and we watched I AM SAM, then Rach came over and brought a friend. We went to the 9:25 showing of THE POLAR EXPRESS at the Imax (Huge screen and 3D!!!!). We all go to wear these silly glasses and such. After the movie we all went and were near the water, only Keturah had to go to the bathroom. So she and I went into this Restaurant and asked to use their bathroom. I ran into a guy I know from Abstract math! So we went to the womens room and opened the door. Only there was a man there, standing in one of the stalls w/the door wide open, just standing there peeing. Keturah and I got an eyefull. We left and waited outside and he was like "Sorry I couldnt wait." haha he was so wasted. While I was waiting for Keturah to finish, these really funny drunk girls came in and were "pee faster so we can go do more shots" "ouch, my toenail fell off" "I ripped my skirt upto my butt" Needless to say it was very hard not to laugh while I was in there with them. Anyways, that was my interesting weekend, and now it's less than 48 hours til I'm back in NAPTOWN!

Oh Gesh

So I think I have a problem. I really like Rob. A lot. I liked him before I knew he was a great Christian guy. We talk a lot and stuff and finally I've come to the conclusion that something needs to progess. Thats my story. Oh gesh. I like him a lot!

Josephine

So, today Leigh-Ann helped me take Josephine to the Honda dealer. They said there are 2 things wrong: 1) broken hydrolic clutch master cylinder and slave cylinder and 2) the CV boots are cracking. So what does that mean? the hydrolic cylinders are leaking fluid and so basically not allowing the catchpoint to catch at the right spot. The CV boots... um, the guy explained it as "have you ever hear a car 'click' when it turns? well it's bc the cv boots have broken" so I'm not exactly sure about this, but that doesn't sound so great. Well, I am getting the clutch master cylinder and slave cylinder fixed for about 450 bucks. Then it will be safe to drive home at Christmas and then get ready to sell her. Sad day, but at least she's doing better and the CV boot thing isnt a horrible problem, at least not for a while the guy said.
Other fun things today. I went to Folly Beach w/Michael Rivera. That was really fun actually. Did you know that their uniforms are really just a jacket w/fake collars and stuff. Oh gesh. haha Well, we got to Folly, and he took out his blanket and we went onto the beach and sat, watching the sunset. I dono, we just talked about a lot of stuff. Then the gnats were killing him so we walked a really long ways and then back. We ended up on the pier and walked to the end and up onto the top part and watched the water and talked about life then just sat and hung out. It was really nice. Relaxing and enjoyable I think is the right term. Also, in his cool truck is the most awesome Subwoofer. Man can that base rock. Maybe I should ride w/him when we go to Crossroads next semester with BCM! haha

Josephine

My baby, Josephine, has come to the end of her life. Well, at least her life with me. Her clutch is just about to give out and my parents have decided they do not want me to drive her home to MD. Sad that she will never sit in her spot anymore. So if you can just pray that we can get this all worked out. It looks like I'm going to be purchasing Kate Fullers car, but I can't get that until Jan 2. That still leaves me carless for over a month and no real way of getting home for Christmas. So, prayer about good decisions would be awesome. thanks

Let It All Out

Let it all out Get it all out
Rip it out Remove it
Don't be alarmed When the wound begins to bleed
Cause we're so scared to find out
What this life's all about So scared we're going to lose it
Not knowing all along That's exactly what we need

And today I will trust you with confidence
Of a man who's never known defeat
But tomorrow, upon hearing what I did
I will stare at you in disbelief
Oh inconsistent me Crying out for consistency
And you said I know that this will hurt
But if I don't break your heart
Then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember the end will justify
The pain it took to get us there ~Relient K

the Other song that describes me, maybe even better is this:

I watched the proverbial sunrisecoming up over the Pacific

and you might think I'm losing my mind,

but I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am'

cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.

See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.

Stop right there. Well I never should have said that

it's the very moment thatI wish that I could take back.

I'm sorry for the person I became.

I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.

I'm ready to try and never become that way again

cause who I am hates who I've been. Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one. Couldn't keep to myself enough.

And the things bottled inside have finally begun

to create so much pressure that I’ll soon blow up. ~Relient K

HOME!

I can't wait to go home in 2 weeks. It's strange... I never want to be there, but lately I have just wanted to go home, sit on my couch and pet my dogs. Three dogs to love, 3 dogs to cuddle, and 3 dogs to adore. Nothing better than that! Somehow being around my Daisy May makes life better and just fills my heart to overflowing. My heart needs that badly. I am depleted, saddened, empty. I want to long for Christ, but am not lately. I want to do well in classes, but the more I try the worse it's becoming this semester.
It's definitely time to go home and get replenished. See Jen, who always helps put things into perspective. Go Mid Hunting with Katie. Run with dad and talk about life. Go for a walk down my street with my walkman like I've down most days for almost 9 years now. Sit beside the water and just relax. 2 weeks, I can make it. Plunge ahead with school and classes and failure until then!!!!

Why? You asked

Why do I act as I do? You asked me this and I didn't know. Actually I still don't know. For as long as I can remember, when trying to joke around I have always ended up making a blunder out of things. This is not a first, and most likely won't be a last. I have an uncanny knack of hurting people or making myself look like an idiot, time and time again. Maybe the goal should be to just stop joking around. Be the other side of me more often. Keep that desire to throw water and food, even though it makes most laugh, to curb it and make it go away. Time to officially grow up huh? I don't want to be seen as 5. I want to be an adult. Maybe I need to act like it more. So as of today, old, joking self = gone. mature me = here. ok, thats enough

Strange Noises...

Haha, so my neighbors are really funny. Right now they are calling girls on speaker phone, which for some reason I can hear, and talking about ridiculous things... hmm. So yeah, fun times over here in the SJ. Maybe they will get the drift that no girls want to talk to them. They sound so funny though the wall though.
Don't really know what to write about, but I'm in a writing mood. This week is insane. Today I had to go get my chipped tooth fixed. Yeah, at the fair you can hurt yourself. But it's all good. Tomorrow will be spent in class and then studying for this horrible Abstract Math test. Wed is class, studying, prayer in our lobby, studying... Thursday is the day of death. TEST! Then mom is coming in the evening. Friday consists of class and work. Maybe it's not such an overwhelming week, but abstract math scares me.
On the plus side, it's been so warm. Today is November 1, and it was over 80 degrees out. I'm still in shorts and a t-shirt at 10pm. At this moment I am ready for thanksgiving break. Ready for my puppies and my house. It's weird, I'm not homesick like I've felt before but this is also the longest I've gone w/out seeing anyone from home. Can you believe it's November already? Because I def cant. Ok maybe that is enough writing.

Jeremy Camp Lyrics

Hey, just a few lyrics (promise not the whole song) that are bringing my focus into the right place:

Well I will walk by faith Even when I cannot see it

Well because this broken road prepares Your will for me

Help me to win my endless fears You've been so faithful for all my years

With the one breath You make me. Your grace covers all I do ~ Walk By Faith

Holy fire burn away my desire,

for anything that is not of you and is of me
I want more of you and less of me empty me, empty me
fill, wont you fill me with you, with you ~Empty Me

All that I am is for you My Savior

I live by your word and surrender to you

Here where I stand in this moment father

My spirit has been renewed I surrender to you ~I Surrender to You

Christmas Mood

Ok, so I've been listening to Christmas music tonight (yeah yeah yeah it's early, but it's so fun!) and this song is making me smile right now.

Oh yeah yeah... Last night I took a walk in the snow,

Couples holdin hands, places to go,

Seems like everyone but me is in love

Santa can you hear me? I signed my letter that I sealed with a kiss,

I sent it off, it just said this: "I know exactly what I want this year"

Santa can you hear me? I want my baby, baby

I want someone to love me, someone to hold,

Maybe Maybe, He'll be all my own in a big red bow

Santa can you hear me?

I have been so good this year and all I want is one thing,

Tell me my true love is here He's all I want, just for me

Underneath my Christmas tree I'll be waiting here

Santa that's my only wish this year

Oh yeah.. Yeah Yeah...Christmas Eve, I just can't sleep

Would I be wrong for takin a peek Cuz I heard that you're comin' to town

Santa can you hear me? I really hope that you're on your way

With something special for me in your sleigh

Oh please make my wish come true,

Santa can you hear me?I want my baby, baby

I want someone to love me, someone to hold

Baby, baby, baby, baby We'll be all alone under the mistletoe

Santa can you hear me? I have been so good this year,

All I want is one thing Tell me my true love is here

He's all I want, just for me Underneath my Christmas tree

I'll be waiting here Santa that's my only wish this year

I hope my letter reaches you in time (oh yeah) Bring me love I can call all mine (oh yeah)

Dreams and Wishes

Have you ever had something that you really want, but don't know how to go about getting it? That is the predicament that I find myself in? What I currently have is good, but I want more. Why am I scared of this you ask... Well it could make things weird. Some of you know exactly that I'm referring to, so yeah, dono what to do. This is something I've never felt before, and you know what, I kinda like it. I feel like I'm going to be sick, but then I get a goofy smile and apparently I giggled (whoa baby, that's not a good sign). I want to either know it will or wont happen. Oh gesh. Ok enough of this

Quotes to Ponder

Make up your mind to stand for what is right-- even if everyone you know is going the other way.

Stand for what is right!

I know it's not easy. It's tough. You just have to do the work.

Who said it would be easy? What's the big deal when you've done something that was easy?

When you love someone you do what is BEST for them even if it hurts sometimes.

Interesting quotes huh? I thought so at least. The first one really applies to college life. A lot of the time it sucks to be the one standing alone, but if you are standing for the right thing, stand proud. Homework is stupid, but it's gotta be done. And the last one, yeah, we all know about that one.

Monday: just blues or really dreary?

So the pensive side of me has returned tonight. Not really sure where it came from, but it's here nonetheless. These Matchbox 20 lyrics sum a lot up "And we always say, it would be good to go away, someday. But if there's nothing there to make things change. If it's the same for you I'll just hang" Also I saw the end of Everwood, forgot how much I like that show and Ephraim (the main character) wrote "I hate change, but I know it's good for me, so I try to embrace it as best as I can." Has life changed that much lately? Or is it going to change that much soon? They say change makes us better... Does anyone know why that is? Looking back over the past 3 or 4 years, life barely has anything that remains constant. It's like everything is derived from a part of my former life, and sometimes I am finding myself longing for a hint of that life. A few of those friends are still there, but most are just memories now. I don't want to be just a memory to anyone. So many relationships come and go, sparkle and then fizzle, whether friendships or whatever. It's horrible. But one thing seemed like a synthetic has become the most genuine. Relationships built with the Christ as the foundation will not dwindle into nonentities. They may be repositioned in your life, but never absent. The friends who I used to run and hide from, because they spoke truth, are the only ones I still communicate with. They are the ones that still influence my life and the woman I am becoming. Friends: thank you for amending my ways and yanking me towards the Cross when I least wanted it. Thanks for the time, love and most importantly, the foundation built on the Rock! My prayer would that be that I can do for others like you all have done for me. Be there beside someone and pray them through, and watch them come to Christ and then grow in Him. So thank you all for the greatest love ever... Sharing the love of our Savior!

Friday I had to work 6-close right? Closing is supposed to be 12 for the coffee bar. Ok, well around 12:45 I'm just about to mop and be done (everything else is cleaned up) and like 30 stupid people come in. I'm not saying their stupid bc they wanted coffee so late, but bc they really were. I was like "the espresso machine is already shut down, but I can get you anything else" and they kept asking for mochas and stuff. I was like gesh. So I broke down a made hot chocolate and then Robin came to help but only made it worse but after my telling him that the machine was closed, forgetting and ringing them up for everything. so I made their stupid drinks and was like "Ok its 1am robin, everything else is done, I'm going home" and left. haha.
I was supposed to close again tonight, but around 12, Curry called and was like "hey Robin forgot to schedule a midshifter, can you come in and not work tonight?" I was like "HECK YA" thinking that midshift is usually a dead shift which would have been really nice after last nights insane lines. Well, I couldnt have been more wrong. For some reason today was the busiest day ever. I was alone for 6 hours in the coffee house with lines stretching out the door for most of the time. Gesh it was stressful. But I got just about 100 bucks in tips in those two shifts which is quite nice. cant complain about that. So tonight I paid for Lindsey's movie because today while I was working she was standing there telling people how the line never stopped and how I was all alone, and so people tipped more. haha so great.
So while everyone went to Neon Moon tonight, I was exhausted from work. So Lindsey, Kdub, Jennifer and I went to see Shall We Dance?. It was such an amazing movie. I'd recommend it to everyone. Though it looks cheesy, and yeah there are a few cheesy parts, for the most part its really sweet. Richard Gere doesnt cheat on his wife and there is no sex. Imagine a movie w/out sex. Can you think of a single movie lately that you saw w/out sex? Yeah me either. Ok sleep well my friends

the rest of the story

ok, already wrote all about Sunday. Then Monday morning I woke up around 7 and had to go to the bathroom. Well when I got back into bed I kept hearing Keturah talk and couldnt decide if she was on the phone or talking in her sleep. So I stared at Leigh-Ann til she woke up and she couldnt tell either. So I went over to Keturah and started poking her saying SHUTUP SHUTUP haha. So she stoped talking and then we hear the clicking of the text messaging. Well Kristen yells "stop talking to rudy this early" haha Keturah was talking to her boyfriend at 7am! gesh
Monday was uneventful, just kinda drove home and chilled. Tuesday I got to babysit Jonas and Shae. They came here and were so cute. We played on the playground, went for a walk, and I taught Jonas to bang on the wall w/poster holders. It was great fun!
Wednesday I drove to Columbia and met Katie. It was so random. We met at a random exit off 77 and parked near the USC football stadium and ate dinner at some Lizard place that I cant remember. So after our HUGE dinner we went to the bathroom, for fear of having to stop alone when she drove the rest of the way to Paris Island to watch Brian graduate. Well part way down 26 she calls and is like "get off the road, get off the road" so I'm like ok. We ended up getting off at this way sketch exit that had an adult video store that was full of truckers. It was great fun, totally worth the drive. I miss her a lot. She helps loosen me up so that I can have real fun!
The rest of the week (today) has been uneventful. Studying and such. boo. ok well now that you are all updated on my life, its time to go relax.

Fall Break...

Hey, So this might have been the best weekend ever! For Fall break, Leigh-Ann, Keturah, Kristen and I decided to go to Disney. Saturday afternoon we piled into the Envoy and left. We finally pitstoped for gas/bathroom about 5 hours later when we were on I-4. Haha there was sex in the bathroon and Keturah left that stall for me. Gee Thanks. What a wonderful thing to walk through. :) We got to Orlando around 9ish, checked into the hotel and headed out for dinner. Had some IHOP then went into a tatoo shop and then into "everything 1.99 store" to browse around. We came back and went to bed I think. Then in the morning we departed for DISNEY!!!!!!!!!! Got there and it was so cute, Keturah had never been and all she wanted was to meet Aladin, but we couldnt find him, actually we didnt see any characters. But hey, its all ok bc there were virtually no lines and we rode EVERYTHING except for the choo choo mountain thingy bc it was broke and It's a small world bc it was closed. evil! Do you know how cool space mountain is? Oh and the space ranger game? Man, Leigh-Ann was driving the thing and shooting like a pro. One of our last rides was a ghost thing and it was "scary" but hey, we got taken over by a ghost. For our last ride, we rerode splash mountain, always a favorite. On the way out we went shopping and got mugs and mugs and oh did I mention mugs. Kristen bought the whole store out. It was so worth it all. For dinner we headed to Planet Hollywood in downtown Disney next to Paradise Island... ok there's so much more to write, but in the AM!

FALL BREAK!!!!

All Glory Honor and Praise...

This weekend was such an amazing worshipful time. There were about 60 people from CofC and the Citadel gathered together in Garden City to learn more about Jesus and to connect as a body of believers. Today was the best though. We had "church" this morning and instead of what we expect as church, we just had Bible verses all over the room and went around individually praying and such. Such an amazing time. Don't think I've ever spent that much time in continual prayer before. Ok, well due to the lack of sleep from the weekend, I'm gonna go to bed early. night world

2 Funny Stories

1. So my mom called last night and was like "I have something to tell you about your dog." That usually means Daisy hurt herself again, and the way mom said it made me think it was really bad. She goes on to say "well your father turned the shower on this afternoon and then went to grab something. While he was turned around he heard this weird noise" and this freaks me out because if Daisy hurts herself really badly (her back still) then I have to take her to be put to sleep)... "when your father turned around, Daisy had gotten into the shower" How cute is that!?!? My Daisy-May, who hates getting a bath, got herself into the shower to get all clean. That's a first, so cute!

2. Had a dream about Calvin College last night. Maybe it's because my bed was cold and oops, I knocked the blanket onto the floor and didn't realize it. But in the dream, it was snowing and we were in the KH lot (we being Rach (or maybe it was Dena, way to mix 2 schools I know), Kristin, Justin a tow truck and I). But I was only there visiting and we were coming back from somewhere but Rach decided to just get into this random truck and drive it. Only she put it in reverse insteada drive and hit the tow truck. So, we started running, and he was chasing us. But then Kristin was like "this is a dream, just make the tow truck go away" and it did, poofed away. Then I woke up. Is that weird to anyone else?!?! Ok just wondering

What a Monday. Studied all day yesterday for my DE test. Then after studying Rob and I decided to walk to the exam and study on the way . Once we got on campus we ran into Bonnie and Cate and they had gotten back their abstract exams. Ok, so we didn't want those back yet, at least I didnt. So went to DE, took the test, hard but ok. Got back the Abstract test... BAD! Then realized that oops, while studying for DE I had forgotten about the linear quiz. arg. Also, apparently I wa supposed to take Linear BEFORE DE, gesh, that woulda been great. Studied all afternoon, went to BCM, called Rob about our abstract hw due tomorrow, since he did so well on the test. So he called around 10ish and came over and we worked on our homework til 1130 I guess. Maybe we faked it, but hey, it's an answer, and that works. Also, in case anyone wants to get a great cd thats been out for a while... Moulin Rouge Soundtrack... go buy it. It's amazing and great to study by!

feeling slightly more normal today. Maybe it's because of this afternoon, which I have to say thank you for! It was really great to just feel like myself if only for an afternoon. But hopefully, it means it's the upward swing. I have to say that the way I have been feeling is an answer to prayer though. I prayed that Jesus would just break me down, and here I am, less than a full week later, much more broken. So though it sucks, it's a huge praise!!