BCM RETREAT

hey all,

Just wanted to post about the amazing time we all had this weekend. As a BCM group, we went to Garden City as per usual. I got to drive a ton of cadets but they were really cool. Jordan, Paulatoria, Josh and I all relaxed and hung out on the drive. We all stopped for dinner and randomly Michael R and his pals were there. When we got there we all bunked up, and yeah for having Renzy as my bunk-mate. We had amazing worship music and prayer time because poor ashley had a car accident on the way down. Saturday we all woke up, had breakfast and then had more worship and Peter talked about relationships.
Then we did group activities and more relationship talks. Actually after every discussion, we broke up into small groups and actually, it seemed as if no one stayed in their lil group. Before we left, that whole week I had just been asking the Lord to put someone in my life who was struggling with things that I understood or had been through and to put people there to connect with outside of my group. Well, darn if He doesnt work things out. In that small group there was Dawn, Angela and Jamie. And whoa, someone each wonderful woman was an answer to prayer. Even though the theme was relationships, we did it in such a new and exciting manner.
When it came time to talk about dating relationships we divided into groups of wither all guys or all girls (4 people to a group) and wrote questions that we wanted to ask the other gender but never had the chance to. Then while in our groups we got the questions from the opposite sex and answered them from our genders point of view. Then got back in the big group and gave our answers aloud and they could ask follow up questions and so on. So it was actually really informative and not at all the way I would have expected that talk to go. We went out and built sandcastles. Jordan, you were the most amazing scariel! He let us make him a mer-man! Then we all swam in the ocean with HUGE waves.
Later that night we got more free time and went to get icecream. On the way, I got yelled at for climbing the wood piling and Nan ripped her pants. haha. well, after icecream, Jordan, Nan, Lindsay, Whit, Audrey and I went to the arcade and guess what we found.. thats right... DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION! We played and were actually somewhat good! (yeah for it coming in the mail anyday!) After ddr, we all had girl talk on the rocking chairs and more bonding w/new people! Sunday was breakfast, and then home!
Not only was this an amazing retreat because we actually ALL bonded, but because it was so obvious that God was there and that we were meeting with Him personally, each and everyone of us. And even though the trip was fun and exciting, the point was to meet w/our Savior and grow in Him, which I hope everyone felt that they did!!!!!!

Stays in Mexico by Toby Keith

His name was Steve,Her name was Gina

"You've never been here before have you?"

They met at a bar called Cabo Wabo Cantena,

He was a insurance salesman from South Dakota,

She was a first grade school teacher Pheonix Arizona

"No, My first time here"

They started dancing and it got real hot,

Then it spilled over to the parking lot,

One more tequila then we're falling in love,

One more's never enough

CHORUS

Don't bite off more than you can chew,

There's things down here the devil himself wouldn't do,

Just remember when you let it all go,

What happens in Mexico... Stays in Mexico!!

He woke up in the morning and he made a little tellephone call,

To check on his wife and his kids back at home in Souix Falls,

SHe hopped right in the shower with a heavy heavy mind

"What am I doing?"

He knew it was the first time Geena had ever crossed that line,

They walked down to the beach and started drinking again,

Jumped into the ocean for a dirty swim,

One more margarita then we're falling in love,

One more's never enough

CHORUS

Oh Mexico, Waiting at the bar at the terminal gate,

She says 'Steve I gotta go, I'm going to miss my plane'

He said one more tequila before you climb on up,

She said one more's never enough

CHORUS

Stays in Mexico... Stays in Mexico... Stays in Mexico, Oh Mexico

Good Charlotte

The Truth - Good Charlotte

So here we are we are alone there's weight on your mind
and I wanna know the truth
if this is how you feel say it to me if this was ever real.

I want the truth from you give me the truth even if it hurts me
I want the truth from you give me the truth even if it hurts me
I want the truth.

So this is you your talking to me
and you found a million ways to let me down
so im not hurt when your not around I was blind
but now I see this is how you feel
say it to me if this was ever real.

I want the truth from you give me the truth even if it hurts me
I want the truth from you give me truth even if it hurts me.
I know this will break me I know that this might make me cry
gotta say whats on your mind, on your mind.
I know this will hurt me and break my heart and soul inside
I don’t wanna live this lie.

I want the truth from you give me truth even if it hurts me
I want the truth from you give me the truth even if it hurts
I don’t care no more no just give me the truth give me the truth
cuz I don’t care no more

give me the truth cuz I don’t care no more no!!!
just give me the truth give me the truth give me the truth give me the truth
give me the truth cuz I don’t care no more no.

She's Everything Lyrics

BRAD PAISLEY LYRICS

"She's Everything"

She's a yellow pair of running shoes, A holey pair of jeans
She looks great in cheap sunglasses, She looks great in anything
She's I want a piece of chocolate, Take me to a movie
She's I can't find a thing to wear, Now and then she's moody

She's a Saturn with a sunroof with her brown hair a-blowing
She's a soft place to land and a good feeling knowing
She's a warm conversation that I wouldn't miss for nothing
She's a fighter when she's mad and she's a lover when she's loving

[Chorus]
And she's everything I ever wanted and everything I need
I talk about her, I go on and on and on
'Cause she's everything to me

She's a Saturday out on the town and a church girl on Sunday
She's a cross around her neck and a cuss word 'cause its Monday
She's a bubble bath and candles.. Baby come and kiss me
She's a one glass of wine and she's feeling kinda tipsy

She's the giver I wish I could be and the stealer of the covers
She's a picture in my wallet of my unborn children's mother
She's the hand that I'm holding when I'm on my knees and praying
She's the answer to my prayer and she's the song that I'm playing

[Repeat chorus]

She's the voice I love to hear someday when I'm ninety
She's that wooden rocking chair I want rocking right beside me
Everyday that passes I only love her more
Yeah, she's the one that I'd lay down my own life for

And she's everything I ever wanted and everything I need
She's everything to me Yeah she's everything to me

Everything I ever wanted and everything I need
She's everything to me

So this song is by Brad Paisely and I think it describes how I want to be loved one day. The girl is simple and loved for who she is. She wears her jeans, wants to go to the movies and can fight with you like none-other. But she is also the woman who holds your hand and will be there beside you. Ok, enough of that talk, just thought it was a pretty song that describes how I think love should be. If you get a chance... try to listen to it.

Confusion

So, everything is cool right? Slowly but surely getting on track, to where you want to be. Why do we all analyze everything to death? You get what you want, and then for who knows what reason, it goes awry. Hmm, wonderful times! Oh gesh!

What do you want...

First off... Is it possible to love CAPRI SUN too much? BC I think not! YUM!

Also, let's say that you know what you want but are too scared to reach out and grab it. It's obviously there but no one does anything. What do you do then? Just let it pass and fade away, or find that spot of courage and dive in, no matter what happens? This is my dilemma. Suggestions? Feel free to reply or IM me. They would be greatly appreciated. They say that great things only come because of great risk. Is this true? So, are those of us who are terrified of destroying something good in hopes of something better doomed to never get that something great? To let things be, or to take that chance... hmm difficult things to ponder huh? Ok, well its way past bed time. Night world

KatTricky: hesitation, caution, fear... those things prevent people from achieving greatness, trial and error... success is only found through failure... Maybe you are right Katie

Long Lost Journal

Hello, So I seem to have forgotten the blog lately. Poor Karen has been evacuated from her house for quite some time and therefore living in the SJ in my living room. So honestly the time normally devoted to filling you all in has been spent hanging out and having weird conversations w/her that force us to call boys to get honest answers. Life has been so busy lately. Work fri, a double sat, sunday, and tonight! So there has been no time for anything. But thats ok. Karen is leaving for Joe's wedding on Thursday, aww, people my age getting married. whoa.

Also, I ran into Patrice today. I havent really talked to her since I was a highschool senior and she the new freshman. Yet once again, we are in those roles! She apparently isnt loving COFC, so hopefully I can help her find her way here, or direct her to those who can at least until she decides whether to stay to transfer.

Also, why are boys confusing? If you have any answer for that, feel free to share it. Actually, not even just boys, but people. If they want something why cant they be direct? In all situations this is applicable. There was a survery done in my Hebrew class that says Americans try to be polite with their evasiveness (is not telling people they're wrong or not simply coming out and asking for something) but in reality, it just causes confusion. Ok thats all. thanks

More Chase Convo Fun

naptowner84: the girls on MY SUPER SWEET 16 have unnaturally large boobs for 16 year olds
naptowner84: i mean really
LandscaperTr: hahahahah
LandscaperTr: :-)
LandscaperTr: yeah I was at MD today getting books
LandscaperTr: I was like DAG ON!!
naptowner84: i saw the message
LandscaperTr: yeah girls are getting booby too young these days
LandscaperTr: I mean girls should get boobs at age 21
LandscaperTr: I mean HAPPPPPPPY BIRTHDAY BOOP THERE THEY ARE
naptowner84: yeah they are totally getting boob jobs
LandscaperTr: I mean seriously
LandscaperTr: when I was 16 I dont remember the girls having double d;s or whatever they are
naptowner84: heck no.
naptowner84: most of my friends def didnt
LandscaperTr: I am learning more abt boobs tonight I swear :-)
LandscaperTr: thank you Christy for boob education
naptowner84: hahaha
LandscaperTr: i think that deserves some blog space too

Fun Convo With Chase!

LandscaperTr: I had the weirdest dream abt us last night
LandscaperTr: haha
naptowner84: yeah?
naptowner84: hahaha
naptowner84: that just might be a profile quote. haha
LandscaperTr: :-)
naptowner84: haha
LandscaperTr: I dont remember all the specifics I just remember you told me you had a huge crush on me and then the rest of it was you pursuing me. I think we both might have been a bit tipsy
LandscaperTr: :-)
LandscaperTr: It was a good dream though just weird
naptowner84: hahahaha that is an awesome dream
naptowner84: must be your way of saying you wish you had pursued me! haha
LandscaperTr: :-P
LandscaperTr: trust me you would have approved of this dream
LandscaperTr: I woke up and staired at the ceiling for like 10 mins
LandscaperTr: CRAZY

Good times Chase, I like that dream! haha You sure do keep things interesting!

Reality

Well... Being back at classes is good. Don't actually enjoy living so far from everyone and everything. I feel incredibly disconnected. Whatever. Augie said the greatest thing that perfectly describes everything right now: "that damned reality." It's like everything has gotten itself off track and I have absolutely no clue how to get it back. I want to be with my friends, but I can't connect. I want to just laugh and have fun, but its hard. And that is a very bad sign. I dont feel depressed, but whatever. It's like I feel shafted by life recently. Ever felt life-shafted? Its a sureal feeling. There's many things about Charleston life that I would change. Mainly, I bet that my old roommate Kelli is really fun outside of our living situation. I would go back to that time over Christmas when we actually got along, well! But she got it right in her away message:

"When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum-sucking bastard who made you sad. When you are scared, I will laugh at you and tease you about it every chance I get. When you are worried, I will tell you how much worse it could be and to quit complaining. When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass. And when you are lost, I will answer my cell phone and give you directions. When you are sick, I will hold your hair while you pay homage to the porcelain god. When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. This is my oath...I pledge till the end. Why you may ask? Because ya'll are my Best friends"... though this is not completely accurate, It is funny, and is how I think a lot of the time.

Maybe the problem is that I'm changing. Or changing from them. They say you wont be friends with all your college friends when you leave... and as far as I can count, I count 1 who will go the distance. One who will be there sitting and having a glass of wine when we are 50 talking about how our kids have left the houses! The first friend I met here! I love you! Ok enough rambling. Time to spend my time on something else

Realization

Hello... so for as long as I've known Karen she has been trying to tell me that life without clothes is much better than life with clothes. Well, Finally... after much experiementation... I believe that she is correct!

jetskiing fun!

So, I am back in Charleston and it's been sooooooo interesting. First, I got in late, and Karen got lost getting to the Airport and some random guy needed a ride home downtown, so we gave him one! weird! Then I saw karen's room which is all hers!!!!!!! Then Wednesday, Karen and I went to the beach! Yeah for Folly!!! Thursday, I was downstairs doing laundry and came back to find Nan had welcomed herself into my apartment. Then we hung out and went to Kickin' Chicken with Leigh-Ann, got Napolean Dynamite and chilled. Nan and I had a sleep over it was fun! Then today, Karen, LA, Nan and I went to Folly. Karen and I decided to Jetski. It was sooo much fun! Well, until we switched drivers the 2nd time. After a few min, I flew off, and so did she. I lost my fun glasses from NYC (at least they werent my oakleys but I did love them!) and hit incredible hard. Karen was yelling "are you ok?" and I said "I cant move." My ribs popped and it hurt to breathe. When we got in, LA and Karen were like "you should go to the ER" so after lots of prodding I went. It turns out that nothing is broken, but that I have a badly bruised lung. Which makes it impossible to get up from a lying down position! Lucky me. I came here early in order to help w/Dorm Move-In but I'm thinking thats not gonna happen now! But it's ok! And I'm not sorry we went jetskiing, its so much fun! Just karen, you get to sit in the back from now on! Hahaha. So thats been my fun and exciting time since being back! Hopefully things will calm down and get into a rythm for classes.... which start Tuesday. How weird it is to be a college senior! WHOA!

NEW YORK!

So, this was an amazingly fun week. Tuesday afternoon Aaron arrived in the Naptown. We went and chilled downtown and got lunch. Then Wednesday, we woke up early and drove to NYC! You all should of seen him trying to drive down 6th Ave. It was terrifying, but he did a great job. CONGRATS AARON! We went everywhere. Started off going to Central Park, and FAO Schwartz then we moved onto the Empire State Building. It actually have a wonderful view of the city. Oh and I got sunglasses from a street vender and we also got a hotdog and pretzel. After the Empire State Building, I actually flagged a taxi! We went to Ground Zero, and its really just a hole now but I have this amazing picture of where they put the rubble into a cross. After that we walked through China Town and ended up in South Battery which is right near the Brooklyn Bridge apparently. Aaron bartered with a kiosk guy for a cool blue phone cover. We had dinner in this lil diner place I guess and then braved the metro into Times Square. It was really fun to ride even though it was so crowded I basically had to hang onto Aaron not to get lost in the crowd. Times Square is so bright and shiny that its hard not to just keep your head up at all times. Lots of stores. We must have spent an hour in the music store. We got back to the car and drove back. Aaron, you did much better leaving the city. Less of the NC driving and more NYC driving skills! I was thoroughly impressed. Other than that we basically hung out and watched movies in my basement til friday when he went back to Rocky Mount and mom and I went back to NYC. Only we stayed in SOHO and shopped! I will try to get a pic of my amazing new green sneaks online! We ate in a small french restuarant and it was yummy. Went into PRADA and got taken back into the special room! It was so cool! The last night, we went to the rooftop bar on our hotel (rooftop bars are the greatest thing ever created) and we could see the whole city. I got this amazing drink, but it had mint in it and by the bottom of my drink I couldnt get a sip without a mouthful of mint. Well, this is prolly a long enough entry! Cya soon

I'll be seeing you

I'll be seeing you in all the old familiar places

That this heart of mine embraces all day through

In that small café, the park across the way

The children's carousel, the chestnut trees, the wishing well

I'll be seeing you in every lovely summer's day

In everything that's light and gay

I'll always think of you that way

I'll find you in the mornin' sun

And when the night is new I'll be looking at the moon

But I'll be seeing you

I'll find you in the mornin' sun

And when the night is new I'll be looking at the moon

But I'll be seeing you

~Bing Crosby

Made My Day

Ok, so a few things made today great.

1. had another lunch w/Gumpy
2. Laura finally got back to me
3. I get to see Laura tonight!!!!
4. Finally straightening things out w/Leigh-Ann
5. Heard from Lindsay.
6. Nan's life is crazy. but boy is it fun to hear about!

Funeral Speech

So, as many of you know, my Nana passed away just over 2 weeks ago. I had to speak at the funeral and wanted to convey how much she meant to me, and how much I love and will miss her. While she was in that small room, the song Homesick by Mercy Me came on and I just spoke the words to her, and they seemed so fitting that I used them in my speech. They show how I will miss her, and long to be able to just be with her, but also how glad I am for her to be with her Savior now and though I trust Him, I dont fully understand His way:

Mercy Me - Homesick

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times

And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you

But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry

Is how long must I wait to be with you!

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways

The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know

But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same

Cause I'm still here so far away from home

In Christ, there are no goodbyes and in Christ, there is no end

So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have

To see you again To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Mercy Me - Here With Me

I long for your embrace every single day

To meet you in this place and see you face to face

Will you show me? Reveal yourself to me

Because of your mercy I fall down on my knees

And I can feel your presence here with me

CHORUS

Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty

Caught up in the wonder of your touch

Here in this moment I surrender to your love

You're everywhere I go I am not alone

You call me as your own to know you and be known

You are holy and I fall down on my knees

I can feel your presence here with me

CHORUS

I surrender to your grace

I surrender to the one who took my place

I can feel your presence here with me

Last two Posts...

Hey, those last two hymns have really been pulling me through. Especially the last 2 chorus' of "On Jordan's Banks" Nana is going to the Promised Land... where "sickness and sorrow, pain and death, are felt and feared no more." She will love that! and I will Love knowing that is where she will be within a matter of days. Then, within a blink of an eye, we will be together again!

On Jordan's stormy banks I stand, and cast a wishful eye

to Canaan's fair and happy land, where my possessions lie.

Chorus: I am bound for the promised land, I am bound for the promised land;

oh, who will come and go with me? I am bound for the promised land.

O'er all those wide extended plains shines one eternal day;

there God the Son forever reigns, and scatters night away.

No chilling winds or poisonous breath can reach that healthful shore;

sickness and sorrow, pain and death, are felt and feared no more.

When I shall reach that happy place, I'll be forever blest,

for I shall see my Father's face, and in his bosom rest.

O COME AND MOURN WITH ME AWHILE
O come and mourn with me awhile,

O come ye to the Savior’s side

O come, together let us mourn,

Jesus our Lord is crucified.

Seven times He spake seven words of love;

And all three hours His silence cried

For mercy on the souls of men;

Jesus our Lord is crucified.

Chorus: O love of God! O sin of man!

In this dread act Your strength is tried;

And victory remains with love;

Jesus our Lord is crucified!

O break, O break, hard heart of mine!

Thy weak self-love and guilty pride

His Pilate and His Judas were:

Jesus our Lord is crucified.

A broken heart, a fount of tears,

Ask, and they will not be denied;

A broken heart love’s cradle is:

Jesus our Lord is crucified.(Repeat chorus)

And victory remains with love; Jesus our Lord is crucified!

Status update

I wrote this huge update about my Nana and the comp deleted it, arg, so call if you want an update. Otherwise, please keep my family in prayer!

*When a girl is quiet, millions of things are running through her head. When a girl is not arguing, she is thinking deeply. When a girl looks starely at you, she is wondering how long you will be around. When a girl answers "im fine", she is not fine. When a girl lays her head on your chest, she is wishing for you to be hers forever. When a girl calls you everyday she wants your attention. When a girl wants to see you everyday, she wants to be loved and pampered by you. When a girl says "i love you" she means it and when a girl says she misses you, no one in this world can miss you more than she does.*

Every girl should eventually get three things fromher boyfriend- a stuffed animal, one of hissweatshirts, and a really pretty ring. Even if it'snot a serious relationship.

"There are no mistakes.

The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant,

are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn;

whatever steps we take,

they're necessary to reach the places we've chosen to go."

- R. Bach

I really hope this is true. Honestly, I do believe its true. Nothing is a mistake, God has everything planned for us from before our Birth. What a thought!

Broken

People, you put time into friendships, invest it all and have it backfire. I would think it was all my fault if they hadn't done basically the same thing to others. Slowly start to pull away, then blame it all on the other person. Be frustrated by others happiness and if something happens that bothers you... you cant accept an apology and move on. As much as it hurts me to go on, move past you, I will. I trusted you with everything, let you come to my home, into my world and you ended up throwing it all back. Thanks. I'm not an ass, though I can have moments like that, it's not me, and you of all people I thought knew that. I really miss Karen! Feel lost. You don't even care to wonder why I hate the world right now, just used it as an excuse to end our friendship. You don't even care. You were mad at everything, and I tried to be there. Sorry if it wasn't enough. You called me crazy tonight, and I have heard that from a lot of people when we are all kidding around, but knowing me as you do, you couldn't have pierced me anymore than you did tonight. Maybe that was the point, to make me feel as bad as you possibly can. So, congratulations, you succeeded. But, you DON'T get to win. No one wins here! We have all lost.

Contemplation.

So, the plan was to stay in SC for the summer. But why? It was to work. I have an amazing job where pay is around min of 50 in a shift, but it's more like 100 a shift, which is sweet. Here's the dilemma: Feel like I have no real friend here. They seem to just blow and shift with the wind. The only one who I can see being friends with for the long haul is Karen and possibly Nan. Man, I love everyone so much, but screw it up. I feel like they are all fair-weather friends. I miss my home friends; ie the ones who I know will always be there, always. Katie and I discussed our friendship one day last summer and decided... Its just too hard to break in a great/amazing old friend who will stand by you always, no matter what! Katie, I love you amiga. So here's the decision: I want to tell work I need to go home to help my nana, which is true, but I just want to be where things are real. It's like all the sudden, everyone changed and its not just them, but me too. There's so much family crap, and I cant explain it all to them, and honestly, they don't really care. The family stuff, I just want/need to be there, and it affects me everyday, whether I let on about it or not. Ok, I'm done, finished. Been in this weird mood lately where it seems as if everyone is angry or something. Honestly, maybe something is wrong with me. Maybe I piss people off to see who will actually stick around, who want it to last. Maybe not. I dono why I end up making everyone mad, but it happens. Argh. I'm done.
Things I want to do this summer:

1. Hang out at the beach more with Linds
2. See my Nanners more!
3. Figure out what happened between LA and I, and fix it, no matter what it takes
4. Spend the afternoons on a boat...
5. Lounge with a book and Katie at her pool
6. Cantlers... Need I say more?
7. Chill downtown Annapolis
8. Be with my Nana
9. Feel less like crap at all times
10. Return to the purpose of Life... Refocus my life back to Christ. Maybe that is what is causing all this turmoil!
    

Wonderful (catch the scarcasm)

Ok, so last night, great times. Actually, other than the first bar being really cool and the second having an old man and his son buy rounds of shots and games of pool... It was crap! Here's how it went down: I called Leigh-Ann earlier in the day and we all decided to go out and get a few drinks with Kristi. So they picked me up and brought a friend from their lil neighborhood, Daniel. In the car, they kept saying things like "if you get drunk and fall in the water, we aren't gonna help and you can swim home" "don't be belligerent tonight" and on and on. Maybe they just don't know that crap actually hurts. We all went to Ray's in Mt. Pleasant, which is amazingly cool. There's this upstairs part where you can sit on comfy sofas. That part was really fun. There was this awkward part where Kristi and Daniel left and Leigh-Ann and I were just there, and we basically sat in silence for like 10 min. So, we left and went to Tracy's in West Ashley. Very different from the other place. There was a really great cover band, they even played weezer off the green album! Random song that only real weezer fans know! Props for that. Then this older gentleman started buying us drinks and paying for our pool games. Haha, fun times. Well, I was doing much better and then we got lemon drops... Not only did it taste like crap but something happened and I couldn't see straight or anything. Whoa, not good. Well, see then it gets better. I told Leigh-Ann "I'm not as f-ing stupid as you think" and though it's what I felt there had to be a better way of saying it. Because now its prolly all crap again. No excuse Sir, no excuse Sir. It all sucks, because I miss them and they could care less. Honestly, I don't even know where it all went down or when. Just one day, I was the dispensable one. Lucky me.

Ucho. hahahaha

you scored as Darth Vader. Darth Vader 78% General Grievous 67% Padme Amidala 67% Anakin Skywalker 64% Clone Trooper 58% Yoda 56% Obi Wan Kenobi 53% C-3PO 50% R2-D2 50% Emperor Palpatine 44% Chewbacca 39% Mace Windu 39%

Ok, this quiz... hahahaha. I'm the evil darth vader. but on the upside... get to be the originator of "Luke, I am your father!" So its ok if I go around saying it for a few days! Also, though I'm 'evil' and went to the dark side with the disallusions of saving Paedmay (even though we all know I just wanted the power because "somethings wrong, I'm not the Jedi I'm supposed to be") there is still the question of my being the chosen one, which is pretty darn cool!!!

been thinking...

Ok, so there has been this thought in my head lately and I've been trying to surpress it. Karen, Keturah and I went to Garden City to see Keith's band, Sedgefield Drive, yesterday and they have this song: One Good Thing

...regret will haunt you all your days...
letting go wont come so easy so hold onto your one good thing.
Let me be your one good thing, Let me be the song you sing,
Let me be the one to take you back to where we started...
Let me hold you through the night, tell you everythings alright,
mend your broken heart and be your one good thing! ~Sedgefield Drive

Have you ever thought that maybe you had that one true thing and gave it up? Something amazing, that you let go and ran from? I have the worst timing ever, bc you are happy now. I know that. I dont even know how to say this and you know that about me. I screwed it up and have just been thinking about you a lot lately, even before you called the other day. Crap. You are this amazing person and I just messed it up. I know you're happy, and maybe this is where it ends, but I dono. Have been wondering that a lot. Ok, let me know when you read this.

hmm.

had some classes today, boo for that. stayed awake in all of them which is a big plus. this weekend, i work the whole time, boo for that. but yeah for getting to work with my trainer, kyle, who is super cute w/his short red hair that is jelled! then i saw this happy couple making out and i was sure whether to be like "get a room" or "i wana boy to makeout with" haha maybe it was a mixture. Ok, enough rambling. bed time

questions

I had this revelation today. I hate being the 'friend'. I love friends but not when I want more. Throughout highschool, I was the friend. Brice and I have gone through this over and over and ended up friends. And that ended up being a great thing. Then I got Keith, a great guy! He was amazing and everything I coulda asked for, and I gave him up for someone I wanted and was around all the time earlier this year but again, ended up being only friends with. My question is why does this happen? Do I give off that vibe? Arg! I have some of the best guy friends in the world. Maybe, current situations have made me think of this. I am usually surprisingly cool with it in the moment, and can move on quickly. But when everyone around you is getting paired off, it sucks to see them all so happy. God has a plan. True. I believe that. But patience has never ever been one of my virtues and if He is trying to teach it to me... boo! It's a good thing to learn, but I dont want it right now! haha OK enough of that kind of talk haha. night

JIMMY EAT WORLD - Your House Lyrics

When you're on, I swear you're on.
You rip my heart right out. You rip my heart right out.
I think the whole room can hear me clear my throat.
You rip my heart right out. You rip my heart right out.
If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, don't call.

Then out of nowhere, put me right back there.
Rip my heart out, you rip my heart right out.
And we know what happens when we get to your house.
Rip my heart out, you'll rip my heart right out.
If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, please don't, tell me now.
If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, don't call.

I throw away everything I've written you.
Oh anything just keep my mind off of it, thinking how I had you once.
No, I can't forget that.
Sometimes I wish I could loose you again.
You're winning me over with everything you say.
You rip my heart right out. You rip my heart right out.
When I let you closer, I only want you closer.
You rip my heart right out. You rip my heart right out.
If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, please don't, tell me now.
Yeah, if you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, don't call.
If you love me at all..

2 entries in 1 day... whoa

So, today started off sucking and maybe in actuality, it did, because I am now destined to be even more poor at least for a while, and doomed to once again job-hunt (shivers!). However, on the upside, tons of work was accomplished at the library today. Finally almost caught up in philosophy. Then Karen and I went on a mega shopping trip to tjmaxx (oh no wait, it was marshalls! haha) and spent way too much, especially for not having a job. Then Aaron came over and the three of us chilled. Pretty uneventful, but really needed!
The real question is why I didn't just call to quit East Bay earlier this week when I knew I wanted to. No... I just wanted to show up and get fired and tell him I was planning on quitting anyways. That sucks. Totally wouldnt have felt so bad if I had just quit, but its like him saying we're letting you go sucks. I worked there longer than anyone and he's a jerk 99% of the time and yet I dealt with him and his moodiness. Oh well, sure I dont always have a great attitude, but I worked hard and did what was asked. Oh well, moving on to better paying jobs. No more pennies for hard labor!

Stupidity

Great title huh? Do you ever feel that you are more of a jerk than not? More of someone that uses people than not? More of a person who is selfish than not? More of a person who does what they want instead of what they should? I have been feeling that way a lot lately. This year I have become complacent. Not just with school but with everything; numb in a sense. Which seems worse than feeling a great amount of pain or anger or happiness. Numbness. Whoa. Have I become judgemental of everyone and everything around? Man, if that one is true, then that sucks and needs to be changed immediately. Just want to hide from it all. Can that be done? I want to go home but dont want to be there either because there is too much saddness there surrounding Nana. Direction and ambition and direction and caring have all left. Got Fired from work today. Well, I went in to quit, but it still sucks just the same. Don't want to be this person anymore. Sorry this is so un-uplifting. Just the mood of the moment. Sitting here, even now doing what should not be done. Typing on this stupid thing instead of studying. I want to be that person I once was. Where did that person go? Is it still inside? And if yes, why is it hiding. Ok, enough introspectiveness. Enough! Time to work and focus and study and find a job and find myself again.

Great week tainted... (continued)

Don't really remember what I wrote a lil bit ago, but sure it wasn't much. If you read this nan... I am really missing you lately. Maybe it's because youre gone for 2 weeks. But check your email, you got the longest email ever written! Friends here are great, but they arent you! But then, no one could be like you. You are the craziest girl I know, who loves her friends more deeply than anyone I've ever met. You are always so down on yourself about school, but your gift is not school, but everyone. What a cool gift to be able to make everyone feel better and laugh and cry and smile...

So, what made this week good? Been getting to know someone who's possibly pretty cool. That's always fun. Starting to exercise more... whoa it's needed badly. Not having a horribly tough week back of classes. Seeing the stingrays play. Sonic w/Karen. Talking to her is always amazing!!! Thanks sweetie (haha). Finally getting back into Devotions and spending time w/Christ. Being reminded of how amazing His love is and what He did on the Cross.

What made it bad? First off, getting my boob killed in football (thanks aaron). jk, that was just temporarily painful, then just really funny. Finding out that one of my best friends would rather lie to me to get outta hanging out than be straight w/me. Such a great thing to find out. Pray that there can be some mending there, from whatever went awry, something I dont even know!

This coming week is the week before Easter. Friday is Good Friday. Why is it good when our Savior was put through hell, literally, for us? It is good because He loved you and He loved me so incredibly much that He willingly went into the pits of Hell to give us a way outta the pits! Hell, as I learned in church, is not just a terrible place, but it is a place devoid of God. None of us, even those w/out Christ have ever experienced a day w/out His blessings such as the day and the night. Hell is a place where those suffering can see believers Praising God while they are in eternal damnation. Crazy that that could be considered good isnt it? Well, it is, by God's nature, the only Just thing He can do. By His nature, He cannot forever "hate the sin and love the sinner" as we like to say. But there will come a day when God will turn from the unbelieves and say, "Depart from me, I knew you not!" But Good Friday and Easter provide a way to have Him say, "Come" He Died and Rose to forgive us of EVERYTHING that we have done...Praise God for that!

Great week tainted...

Hey kids....
This blog keeps getting ignored. Sorry. But maybe that means I have finally gotten a life and dont sit here and ponder all day or maybe that I just am getting sick of typing. haha It has been great being back... well sonic is calling karen and I, but more to come... promise

Most Fun Weekend

What's up kids? So, Friday... I got to hang out w/Karen and Abe. He is really sweet, even if he did wear shorts when even I thought it was cold out. But what a fun guy.

Then Saturday... The greatest day ever. Let's see, after like 5 hours of sleep I had to be on campus to work the math meet which was surprisingly fun. Then, I raced to work for a few hours where it was super busy. Then as soon as I got off it was time to go to the COFC vs CITADEL game. We won by a lot... almost double. After that we went to Kickin' Chicken and then to the Citadel oyster roast so Lindsay could hang out w/Jordan. While we were there I found Michael. He was so far gone, but really funny. So I took his keys after the party got busted by some cops and drove his truck back to my place where he crashed.

Once he fell asleep Keturah, Lindsay, Jordan and I went salsa dancing. Oh my gosh, that is so fun. I danced with everyone that night. Must have been my sexy shirt! haha. So, this Mexican man was a great dancer and kept asking me to dance, so I was like "cool" but after a while he asked me a question and I couldn't understand so I was like "do you mean into the middle of the floor?" and he apparently didn't understand me either and said "yeah" so he started heading towards the back and I stopped and said "are we going to the middle?" and he said "yeah" and kept going to the back. Well, I started to realize that he prolly didn't really say he wanted to go the the middle of the dance floor so I said "hey, I have to find me friends and tell them where I'm going" and I ran away haha.

I kept getting asked to dance by this guy, Matt, from the citadel. Only after a few minutes he would pass me off to his friend each time. I was like "what is going on" but the other guy (who's Asianish!?!?... Nan would like that) started following me and talking to me and stuff. He was such a bad dancer (but hey, so am I, so it was funny) but when I was leaving he ran out and said, "thank you for dancing with me, do you think I could call you sometime so we can go out?" and I said "sure." Well, as my luck would have it, he called tonight and so we're getting coffee on Wed. Hopefully it'll be good. Coffee is always good at least. But I just thought that was very random. Augee... Yeah that's his name. Anyways, yeah for spring break starting in 4 days!!!!!!!

TEN random things about me:
10) Though some people hate christian music, it keeps me grounded.
9) I really tried to be ambidextrious when I was young; i didnt work
8) I have a few bathroom issues
7) Sometimes I really miss calvin, or maybe I just would like to rewrite that part of life, though it has influenced me greatly.
6) I really miss my puppies oh and my goldfish moe
5) I have an uncanny ability to remember all of my friends, even if we were friends when we were 5 and havent seen eachother since then
4) I would like to go back to being a kid and enjoy each nap I was forced to take
3) I will never forget my Josephine!!! I miss you my favorite car!
2) Yes, I not only named my car but talked to her!
1) I love being on/in the water

NINE places I've visited:
9) Florida
8) Michigan
7) California
6) New York
5) Paris
4) Bermuda
3) St. Maarten
2) Pennsylania
1) Missouri

EIGHT things I want to do before I die:
8) Find a Godly guy who shares my beliefs and values.
7) Marry him.
6) Have kids.
5) Be middle aged and happy, content with life
4) Have a house where I can see both the woods and water from my bedroom window
3) stay strong in the Lord
2) Understand Math
1) Live on a Boat for a summer

SEVEN ways to win my heart:
7) Love God more than you love me.
6) No games
5) Family has gotta be important
4) Character
3) Understand my sense of humor and have one as well
2) have a pensive side where you can talk for hours and then just be able to do nothing together.
1) Be committed to purity; and respect me.

SIX things I believe in:
6) God
5) Love
4) there is a true right and wrong.
3) Heaven.
2) Hell.
1) Stupid People do exist.

FIVE things I'm afraid of:
5) Being fully known
4) Never finding a man who will love me as i love him
3) Loosing sight of Christ
2) My friends turning away from the Truth
1) toilets.

FOUR of my favorite items in my room:
4) My stereo ]
3) My bed.
2) oh oh my sheets
1) the view from my window

THREE things I do every day:
3) Sleep.
2) Check my e-mail
1) Daydream

TWO things I'm trying not to do right now:
2) study
1) get dressed (haha yes i just got outta the tub)

ONE person I want to see right now:
1) Either my Nana or Nan

The Problem of Evil...

Weird title Huh? Well, its the book I'm reading for Religious studies and it actually had something I love in it:

Holy Sonnet 14
Batter my heart, three-personed God; for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn and make me new.
I, like an usurped town, to another due,
Labor to admit you, but O, to no end;
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captivated, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betrothed unto your enemy.
Divorce me, untie or break that knot again;
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

This reminds me of another poem...

Birches
So was I once myself a swinger of birches.
And so I dream of going back to be.
It's when I'm weary of considerations,
And life is too much like a pathless wood
Where your face burns and tickles with the cobwebs
Broken across it, and one eye is weeping
From a twig's having lashed across it open.
I'd like to get away from earth awhile
And then come back to it and begin over...
One could do worse than be a swinger of birches. ~Frost

Out of Control

Do you ever feel like life has spun away from you? Like the world is going round and round but you are just sitting there watching it? Maybe there has been too much going on, I dono. But there is this apathy towards everying and everyone. Maybe it's pms and I'm sure thats a part of it but not all. Feeling homesick yet finding that strange. Part of it has to be because of my grandparents. Even though things are settling a little, it's so hard to be here and really long to be there with them and for them. Can't focus on homework, class or anything else. Just want to sleep and sleep a lot (maybe forever... maybe not). Hate that I feel this way. Sure, it's depression creaping in and I realize this. However, I am working on it and getting help. Why are some people more prone towards this than others? I really just want to sit and talk with Karen for hours and I wish Nan was here. I'm so incredibly happy for her. Maybe it's selfish, but it's hard to talk to her. To realize how far away she is, To know that in reality I'm not in her life and she's not in mine. I guess it kinda just sucks to have worked so hard at that friendship, to have made it as deep as it is. It's like I'm stuck in this weird place right now. Ok, well since no one reads this I dont feel bad about writing this, its theraputic. Haha. Ok, well off to homework

Long Time Since...

Hey Friends,
So haven't updated this with all the new exciting info that you all really wana know. So, last Wednesday (Feb 2) was my 21nd birthday. Haha. Well, in the afternoon I went to the Liquor store w/Susan and bought Vodka, Kuala and Coconut Rum. Cassi supplied the Coke and OJ! (thanks girl). Then Rach, Keturah, Karen, Susan, Cassi, Leigh-Ann and I went to California Dreaming. Whoa, those Strawberry Daquiris are yummy. So after that we came back to my place where we were joined by Kristi Ford! Had a few drinks... ok a lotta drinks but it was good. Wana see some funny pics? Just ask bc I have quite a few. Apparently Drunk Christy is funny.

I went home on Friday for my nana. Spent 9 hours in the car and she knew who I was. So that was good. However on Saturday she was worse and pretty non-responsive. They said it was because in order to calm her they gave her Tranqualizers and was apparently too strong. So I went back up on Sunday and she was better. She ate pudding and apple sauce and drank some milk and coffee. It was great. I came back on Monday and was told she was even better. Today they moved her to a nursing home/rehabilitation place and mom said nana cried about being there. So sad. I cannot even imagine not being able to get the words that I want out. Please keep praying for them (mom and nana). thanks

My Nana

Mable Hansen, my nana, is the greatest. I remember being little and going on car rides to crazy restaurants and trips to Flordia and her teaching me to swim and watching Anne of Green Gables for hours with me in Gumpy's chair. I can't imagine life without her. She's crazy... I admit that. She was a lil crazy and particular forever... but within the past few years she has developed Dimensia and it has been slowly stealing her memories from her. It has been frustrating and sad all at the same time. Hearing stories of how she just drove around the beltway and missed her exit because she forgot where she was going and a few weeks ago not knowing how to get to the grocery store and driving me in circles for 45 min. I hate how frustrated I got. I love her with everything in me. I spent more time with her as a child than with my parents. I'm listening to Nat King Cole and Frank Sinatra. She would love it. She loves to leave her radio on, so quietly that you can barely hear it, and listen to it all day. Little things that will never be the same.
Today, she had a major stroke on the left side of her brain. We knew it was coming (because her mom died from a stroke in her mid 80's, which is Nana's age) but that doesn't mean I was or am prepared. I've never lost a family member and she is not gone in the fullest sense yet. However, mom got permission for her to talk to me tonight and I couldn't understand a word she was saying. I was on the Cooper River Bridge driving to get Kamisky's with Karen and Rachel and had to pull over and sob outside of the Days Inn hotel. The only thing I managed to understand was something so typical of Nana that I cried even more. She said, "well I'm going to put on my shoes and leave" haha, she never wanted to stay somewhere she was told to stay. Somewhat stubborn she is! I heard mom saying "tell her you love her" and then Nana like forgot she was talking to me and was like "yes, I do" and so I just kept saying "I love you Nana, I love you" Over Thanksgiving I played Frank Sinatra on the Computer and she was singing along to it. I would give anything to have her tell me a story and tuck me in just like so long ago. She was found on the floor of the room I slept in in their house.
Hey prognosis is 50/50. There is still bleeding on her brain and it's very possible that she will have another stroke tonight or tomorrow. But if not, there is still no way she can take care of herself anymore. She was so independent, even to it being a problem. They said she is comfortable right now, but she knows what is happening and is frustrated by it. My prayer is that she is comfortable and hopefully that she can stay with us until I can get there!

THE EVERYDAY SURVIVAL KIT

Toothpick-- to remind you to pick out the good qualities in others. (Matthew 7:1)
Rubber band-- to remind you to be flexible; things might not go the way you want, but it will work out. (Romans 8:28)
Band Aid-- to remind you to heal hurt feelings, yours or someone else's. (Colossians 3:12-14)
Pencil-- to remind you to list your blessings everyday. (Ephesians 1:3)
Eraser-- to remind you that everyone makes mistakes, and it's okay... (Genesis 50:15-21)
Chewing gum-- to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything. (Philippians 4:13)
Mint-- to remind you that you are worth a mint to your Heavenly Father. (John 3:16-17)
Candy kiss-- to remind you that everyone needs a kiss or a hug everyday. (1st John 4:7)
Tea bag-- to remind you to relax daily and go over that list of God's Blessings. (1st Thessalonians 5:18)

I saw this on Rachel's xanga and thought how it really applied to my life lately. A friend who scared with their anger seems to be trying to reach me again. Life definitely hasn't been following my plan... just ask about my cars (yes plural), grandpa, grandma, Rob's family, math classes. But you know what, my plan is not God's. gotta remember that, and boy is it hard at times. However, in the midst of all my trama, God had a different plan. Rather than letting me wallow, He called me to be there for someone else. Which I must say is nice to just sit and listen and feel for someone else. A blessing in times of sorrow.
When I have been straying, Zechariah 1:3 "This is what the LORD ALMIGHTY says: 'Return to me,' declares the LORD ALMIGHTY, 'and I will return to you,' says the LORD ALMIGHTY." Whoa. In the Word, they used repitition to emphasize or bolden certain phrases... and what struck me most was not what was said... but that it is being emphasized that the LORD really means it. Whoa. Such a great thing to learn.

Funeral

I called Rob this morning and found out that the funeral was at St. John's church on John's Island at 2pm. So, I went to suport him. I got there and was thinging "what am I doing here" "just be quiet" "dont let your shoes make noice". I parked really far away because there were SO many people there. Well, everyone was waiting outside and then after 10 min about 75 people went in, but at least 200 people were still outside. Well, Rob must have seen me walk up because he left his group and came over stood next to me and rubbed my back for a min or so. We looked at eachother and nodded, then he left to go back where he had to be. He didn't get to go in either even though Andrew was his cousin but he and a few of his other cousins stood at the steps of the church. He had his jaw clinched the whole time (i could tell) and he glanced over a few times. I am so glad that I went and showed him that I was there for him. When I called him this morning, as if the funeral wasnt enough his dad went into the hospital. So if you all can please remember them in your prayers.
My prayer has been: "Lord you know how it feels to loose a son; the most precious person to you; so give them the comfort that only you can give"

Pray for the Edgerton's

If you would, can you please remember to pray for Rob and his family? There has been a recent death in the family, and I am not sure I have ever heard of a family being as close as this one. It was a teenage boy, Andrew, who was driving up 95 with a friend to watch the 2005 Inaguaration. So, please remember to pray for them.

You Don't Know Me

You give your hand to me and then you say, "Hello."

And I can hardly speak, my heart is beating so.

And anyone can tell you think you know me well.

Well, you don't know me.(no you don't know me)

No you don't know the one who dreams of you at night;

And longs to kiss your lips and longs to hold you tight

Oh I'm just a friend. That's all I've ever been.

Cause you don't know me. (no you don't know me)

For I never knew the art of making love,

Though my heart aches with love for you.

Afraid and shy, I let my chance go by.

A chance that you might love me too. (love me too)

You give your hand to me, and then you say, "Goodbye."

I watched you walk away, beside the lucky guy

Oh, you'll never ever know the one who loved you so.

Well, you don't know me