Wednesday January 28, 2004
Today has been a day of forgiveness all around. Forgiving old hurts and for seeing how God has healed and forgiven others. I got an IM from someone who I was pretty hurt by, and they said they were sorry for the past. I wish I could forgive him like God forgives me everyday, and I know I should. But it's like there is a part of me that just can't forgive completely. God says that He removes our sins as far as the East is from the West... Can I forgive that much? It's like I put my heart out there for this person, knowing each time I know what will happen... So maybe I just cant forgive completely because then I could be susceptible to it again? Or maybe I can forgive and just not forget! Does that still count? I hope so, bc I really want to not be angry, and I think I'm to the point of not being angry anymore, maybe still a little hurt, but hopefully something good can come out of it right?
And to you, my friend, no matter what you tell me, I will always love you. Nothing could change that! People have their issues and flaws, but we are bound together because we have that common foundation in the Lord. He sustains us, and will sustain us forever! I praise Him daily for allowing us to be friends for so long, and bringing us together again after everything.... being tight, then distant, then tight again. No matter what school we go to, we're still gonna be there for one another!! Can't wait for you to come down here!

Tuesday January 27, 2004
Today, Today was a day when IT finally happened. It's been a long time in the running, and I'm not really sure how to live without it. It has been such a part of my life for almost 2 years!!! Now its gone, and I'm free from the burden of getting caught and the thrill of downloading music... yes that's right. Today, January 27 2004, I deleted KAZAA from my computer. Oh well, guess it's something that had to happen sooner or later, and at least now I'm not stealing music (maybe theres another way to download w/out it being stealing? oh darn it, that's prolly stealing too) Guess it's time to go cry now!

Monday, January 26, 2004
This is a poem by my friend Kristin. I thought it was amazing and just wanted to pass it along. She's so amazing, funny and stuff. Always makes me think and laugh, ponder and smile. So this is my shout-out to her sticking w/me even though we've been apart longer than we were together at Calvin. So, heres to my old floormate, who loves Jello a lot!

can you HEAR the sadness
the sounds of madness
the absense of gladness
the noise of the ashamed
the cries of the blamed
listen to the echoes of the aching
the hum of their pains are awaking
we pretend not to SEE, but the sounds are blaring
the noises surround us, can't you SEE them glaring
-Kristin

So today, the funniest thing happened. I'm wearing jeans and my navy hoodie right? Well jonas was apparently wearing the same thing wheN I showed up to babysit...awww Well, we went out to barnes and nobles so he could play w/the trains and stuff. Because he was being so good, I bought him a cookie and got us both some water. He was in his highchair and I was giving him bites of the cookie and sips of the water (bc its not a sippy-cup he needed some help) and people were staring at us like "look at the poor girl, had a baby too young" I was like Gesh a whip. But Jonas was so cute. He gave me a kiss on the cheek when we left the store... ok it was more of a cookie slobber thing, but it counts right? YEAH! :) Ok, well, lots to do and little time...

one more small thought for today:

WORLDS APART by JARS OF CLAY.
I am the only one to blame for this. Somehow it all adds up the same.Soaring on the wings of selfish pride, I flew too high and like Icarus I collide. With a world I try so hard to leave behind to rid myself of all but love: to give and die

To turn away and not become another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves more deeply than the oceans, more abundant than the tears of a world embracing every heartache. Can I be the one to sacrifice? Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow?

take my world apart I am on my knees
take my world apart broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone amongst remains of a life I should not own. It takes all I am to believe in the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me? All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains & dull the nails that still remain
More & more I need you now, I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart & take the pain & wash the feet & cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak, & all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty take my tears the sin-soaked heart & make it yours
take my world all apart take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross forgettin what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains & dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart & take the pain
take the selfish take the weak & all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray take my world apart

Saturday January 24, 2004
It has been a good weekend. Bowling (and winning) friday night. Then tonight, BIG FISH... what a great movie. Everyone needs to go see it. However, that wasnt the highlight. I had a God-sighting. After leaving the movie, my wallet (with credit cards, almost 50 bucks and a few other important things) was missing. After looking everywhere... it was no where to be found. However, we got sent to the box office, who suprisingly had it with all the credit cards and cash still in tact! WOW! Then Karen and I had one of those mind-blowing-3-hour conversations (well not 3 hours, but def long)... and it got me thinking, which is usually a bad thing, but in this case, its good. So here are a few quotes that are aimed at specific people, and if you read it, I hope you know who you are:

"Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget." -G. Randolf
“A real friend is someone who you can sit in complete silence with and still walk away feeling like you just had the best conversation of your life.”
“True friendship is when two friends can walk in opposite directions, yet remain side by side.”
"We will be friends until forever, just you wait see." - Pooh Bear
"My friend, if I could give you one thing, I would wish for you the ability to see yourself as others see you. Then you would realize what a truly special person you are."
"My friends are my heart, my soul, my fun, my laughter, tears, love and my life." -Kate Tierney

Maybe I got a little quote happy, but each one of these quotes makes me think of each of you, and reminds me how blessed I am for you. For the times together, for the memories, for the long chats/silences, for the effort to stay together no matter what, for the flaws and tears, for 2am chats about nothing, for being there and allowing me to be there for you. Each one of you is my friend and whether I see you often or not, you are with me always. Thank you! Proverbs 17:17 "A friend loves at all times..." Proverbs 27:17 "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another" Until I talk to you again, know that I am praying for you and loving you despite any distance whether big or small!

Thursday January 22, 2004
So I'm not sure what my deal is. Maybe it's the ever-useful battle-cry of PMS? Maybe it's more. I'm feeling lost again, and it's not a feeling I remember fondly. I wrote t

Wednesday January 21, 2004
Sorry for kinda venting in the last one. I'm much calmer now. Played a little bball, had some alone time. Can I say how much that alone time is meaning to me lately? It's like being quiet and alone is better than being with anyone. I relish that time! Is that weird? Is it reclusive? I dono or care! Anyway, just put on my retainer for the first time in a while, and as per usual the bottom doesnt fit, and the top, OUCH OUCH OUCH! But hows the saying go "no pain no gain" I read this girl I used to know's web journal and she's got this great song on it, and since I'm all about the lyrics, here it goes, hope you get as much meaning from the lyrics as I do:

IF YOU WANT ME TO By: Ginny Owens
The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
And I don’t know the reason why you brought me here
But just because you love me the way that you do
I’m gonna walk through the valley
If you want me to

Cause I’m not who I was
When I took my first step
And I’m clinging to the promise
You’re not through with me yet
So if all of these trials
Bring me closer to you
Then I will go through fire if you want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
when you lead me through a world that’s not my home
but you never said it would be easy
you only said I’d never go alone
you oooh oh.

so when the whole world turns against me
and I’m all by myself
and I can’t hear you answer my cries for help
I’ll remember the sufferin’ your love put you through
And I will go through the valley
If you want me to.

That song brings a ton of comfort when I'm not feeling like myself at all. Dont really know what happened in the past week and a 1/2, but its like somewhere on the drive down I lost myself. It's missing and I feel incomplete somehow. I bought a basketball on Saturday and it's been my saving grace. Just going to the park and shooting around, getting all those thoughts to cleanse themselves! And Sunday the bball league starts... GO BCM TEAM GO! So excited. well, homework is calling... til next time.

Wednesday January 21, 2004
Ok, well from this moment on I'm passing over the line, the line that manda and I created... I'm now on the other side of the drama... entered the DRAMA FREE ZONE. Your drama, my drama, his drama, her drama: it doesnt affect me anymore. I'm dull to it all. Theres a song by evanesence that seems to sum up everything I'm feeling. It's called haunted and the chorus goes:

watching me wanting me i can feel you pull me down
fearing you loving you i won't let you pull me down

So, though I've expressed my feelings, I've become the rejected one. The one who screwed it all up, and you know what... thats not right either. So, fine. done. bye

Monday January 19, 2004
So, I've been back in Charleston for a week now, well 3 hours short of a week actually and I've been pretty busy. The weather has been amazing though. Yesterday I spent the whole day outside running and playing bball. Today was adventure day with BCM and I went rock climbing, oh so sore. But it was great. Kinda having a hard time readjusting to being here. It's like it's normal, yet I cant quite place what the deal is. Maybe mom is right and I need a more diverse pool of friends here. Not that my current friends are bad, but maybe I just need to widen and enlargen the group. Though being back is good too. At home, I so easily fall back into my life in which I didn't prioritize God at all. Since I've been back I've been reading "My Utmost For His Highest" Some of ideas put forth by Oswald Chambers have really struck me. He wrote "God brings me into the proper relationship with Himself so that I can understand His call, and then I serve Him on my own out of a motivation of absolute love... The Son of God reveals Himself in me, and out of devotion to Him service becomes my everyday way of life." Another one was about being alone with God. What a thought, that I can be alone with the God who is everywhere, always!! "When God gets us alone through suffering, heartbreak, temptation, disappointment, sickness, or by thwarted desires, a broken friendship, or a new friendship- when He gets us absolutely alone, and we are totally speechless, unable to ask even one question, then He begins to teach us." Am I ever totally speechless with Him? Am I ever totally speechless in general? Have I ever been broken to that point? Sometimes I think that my college experience has broken my like this, but have I really been like the song that says "let my pride fall down, I'm a little man"? I want to be broken and little in front of Him so I can have the desire of a Child to learn more and more and be like Him everyday. Well, time to do a little work before class tomorrow... But be back to write more soon.

Thursday January 8, 2004
Been a little while since I last wrote...New Years eve was such a blast. We all went to Jen's house and had a surprisingly comfortable dinner. It was great to see Jody and Tiffany and even Laura. Whoa, its been so long since being with them all. For some odd reason, it makes me feel good to be around them! There wasn't even that dull lag in the conversation that occurs when friends haven't been around eachother for a long time and cant quite figure out what to talk about... The conversation just simply flowed as if we'd never been apart! After watching the fireworks and all kinda bundling together for warmth, we drove back to Jen's.... However, on the way we stopped and ambushed a polar bear and took a pic with it. Ok it wasn't a real polar bear, but one of those trendy light-up ones! Good times Good times.
I'm sitting here watching ER and thinking and next week I'll be watching ER from my apartment back in SC and I'm not sure what I think about that.
I spoke in AAAS chapel yesterday. They did it more in a question/answer forum setting. Though I feel that the students could have gotten much more out of us speaking about what God has been doing through our college experiences rather than the WHAT TO DOs at college.
Apparently its supposed to flurry tomorrow. I'm so EXCITED! I LOVE SNOW!!! Fun white fluff. Even the cold air is envigorating! Well, that is probably more than you wanted to hear, so thats all I'm going to write. til next time...

Monday December 29, 2003
Well, It seems that I've entered a pensive mood. Haven't had one in quite a while, but maybe its the chill of the air or the scent of my house that is just reviving so many memories and triggering thoughts I thought I had put asunder. Apparently, the problem with my foot is that all cartiledge between the bones is all inflamed, what a lovely thought. By not walking and such, it will heal slowly... So, I've of course been walking all around at work! Oh well! C'est la vie. Found this old incubus cd today, well just now actually. Maybe that's augmenting my already morose mood. The mood might not be quite to the morose point, but edging more on that perspective than dreamy pensiveness! Today I saw Cheaper by the Dozen. It was really cute, ok, really, the guy from Smallville was cute, but the movie was charming. OH, "warning" is playing... as per expected my favorite lyrics are:
Bat your eyes girl, be otherworldly, count your blessings, seduce a stranger.
What's so wrong with being happy? Kudos to those who see through sickness.

When she woke in the morning she knew that her life had passed her by.
And she called out a warning, "Don't ever let life pass you by."

I feel caught in a haze here. All semester I just wanted home. Wanted it so badly that I could smell it and feel it and "be" there in my mind whenever I wanted. I feel torn between the 2 worlds. Home, the memory of how it was/should be. School, the life I'm attempting to mold from nothing. The memories are so strong and vivid and real, yet the reality is not living up to those utopian reputations. I want both; Both worlds to meld into one unequivocally wonderful place. Where the realities of people I've known forever can be the same as they used to be (or transform into something we're all comfortable with), and that I don't have to compromise between them and the new tangible-relationships being formed.

That was quite verbose idea. Maybe a little too 25cent-wordish. What can I say, I have a surprisingly large vocabulary hidden behind all the simple jargon of everyday life. Once again, I'm expounding too many thoughts. Yet, my mind keep going back to that one time and place. It's done, finished, and I shut the door, but maybe I shouldn't have left the light on in the room that I shut the door to. Because it's continually calling me back... back to what? Devoidness, a place I don't want to return to (or do I?), no no I don't want to go there again. Why do I should like such a girl... I'm usually so tough and jaded about these types of situations. And I have moved on. Maybe I want them to know I'm okay, or show them I'm okay. Crazy huh? Whoa, need to get off this deranged topic that will bring nothing but nonsense and yeah, well, nevermind. Maybe I will go for a drive and clear my head...

Saturday December 27, 2003
Christmas has come and went. In a flurry of opening presents and dashing to speak with one relative or the next, it was great to just pause and look around at what was going on. Family members that don't usually get along were laughing and smiling, my dogs were getting quietly fed under the dining room table and everyone was laughing. It was so nice to just be with family for a day. Christmas eve was amazing too. Wrapped presents and slept a little, then I went over to Jen's house for dinner and somehow fell asleep during A CHRISTMAS STORY. Oh well, it was on for 24 hours straight and so I caught it a few more times! I woke up Christmas morning and my foot was really hurting, couldn't quit figure how it got injured while sleeping. So finally today, mom forced me to go to the doctor who informed me that when you walk the bones in your foot separate, and the tendants are all inflamed causing the oh-too-familiar sprain bruising along with sharp shooting pains when I walk. joy-oh-joy! Even got a doctors note not to go to work today! Ok, well that should be enough rambling today. Hope everyone had a great Christmas.

Tuesday December 23, 2003
Ok, the last entry was wrong, today was the best day home! I got to sleep all day, which I think is the quintessential definition of vacation. After the worst day ever at the ebar I finally went to bed around 1:30 or 2, then got the wonderful chance to sleep til 1030. Then later I went to the store and came back and slept all day. OH PRECIOUS SLEEP! Tomorrow is Christmas eve. I'm so excited because for a change my church is having a candle light service at 11pm, and I love candle light services more than any other! Maybe its because I'm addicted to fire and candles or maybe just because we used to go to Christmas Eve service late at night and I'd get to open a present because when we got home it was Christmas morning. Either way, they're so fun!! Well, Christmas is in 2 days, crazy huh? I cant wait for the Christmas eve candle light service tomorrow. They are my favorite!! Well, the scent of the pie mom is making is making it hard to concentrate so I'm off...

Sunday December 21, 2003
Today was probably my favorite day home so far! At Church the sermon was on Luke 1: 26-56, which is exactly the same as it was at Citadel Square last week! What a coincidence! Well, after a WONDERFUL nap (which I might add, best part of being home... NAPS!!!) Jen came over. We just kinda chilled and hung out. Then we went back to the club, where we got freaked out over Thanksgiving and just watched the sunset over the water. Then had another wrestling match, and, yes, she kicked my butt. Then, right after she left, KT rolled up. And it was so great to see her. Every single thing that had been off between our friendship the past few months was gone. It was like we were like best friends again. Even saying the same phrases at the same time again [AHHH :) ] But, man, every fear I had about home was coming true, about people changing and it not being able to be the same. But it was, we are still changing but somehow changing together! Even chillin with Katie Kern was *stimulating* as usual! Always an eventful time around Katie. Anyways, the tv is calling my name and so I'm going to go watch it now. 4 days left to get right w/God before Christmas

Still Thursday December 18, 2003
Ok, so now its like 9:15 and I just came across this quote:
If you have one or more close friends, consider yourself truly blessed. If you don't, ask God to send someone(s) like that into your life, and focus on being a good friend to those around you.
So, I guess, thats an amazing quote now, as I am feeling distant and separated from my friends. There are a few, those who to this day, suprise me by the fact that they have stuck by! God has given me the greatest gift by having you in my life still. You say that I'm good at keeping in touch with you, well, to me, it doesnt seem like effort to keep in touch with the people who continually help aim my thoughts towards the cross. So, thanks for that friendship that endures!

Thursday December 18, 2003
Well, its like 7pm and I've been off work for about an hour. What has become of that place? Do people not know how to make coffee anymore bc I'm pretty sure its not that hard to rinse out the shot puller thingy (there's a technical name, but I'm too tired to recall it!) But it is cool to see all my old Nordstrom people, even if sketchy Aaron is stalking me again!?!?
So, I had this fear that coming home would be very different and its different and yet the same all at once. The routine and stuff are the same, but the relationships with people aren't. Maybe I feel this way bc a lot of my friends aren't home yet, maybe its because I haven't really talked to them in months and am possibly scared of what to say around them, or maybe its pms... or just possibly all of those reasons rolled into one. Ever have one of those times in life where you just cant find your nitche? I think I'm in that place. What a happy Christmas thought!!
Can I say how cute it was this morning to be surrounded by 3 soundly-sleeping dogs!?!? Andy was snoring, Casey was just kinda passed out, and Daisy was having some kinda crazy dream where she was chasing something because she was running in her sleep! AWWWW Well anyways, I'm gonna roll out, but hope that everyone has a wonderful break and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

Monday December 15, 2003
So, I've been home for about 2 hours now. Exams complete, drive finished. Whoa, what a crazy semester. Time really changes things, but hopefully somethings will remain an ever-present constant. God says he is unchanging, and to me, right now, that seems like the best characteristic He could have. In a world where, when in the short time it takes to turn around, everything has changed, God never does! He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. My personality is developing into maturity, and therefore I am no longer the same person, my friends aren't the same people, but God is still constant. AMEN! So to my friends at home: With God as our foundation, our relationships are bound to still work (and grow) because the foundation hasn't changed! And to my friends at Charleston: thanks for this semester. You all have saved me and hopefully I've been there for "ya'll" too! With our foundations firmly intact, I anxiously await seeing you again! Don't be strangers over break! Christ is my firm foundation, in Him I find refuge and strength. He is the friend that will never leave!

Saturday December 13, 2003
Whoa 4 exams done 1 left. In about 48 hours I'll be back in annapolis. Back to my other life. What a strange concept. 2 different lives. Way excited to be around my friends, yet sad to be leaving my friends. Torn. Hmm. THis is gonna be the shortest entry ever, bc exams have wracked my ability to write anything resembling a real sentence. But yeah, no deep thoughts now. maybe later

Wednesday December 10, 2003
Exams began today. Spanish is over, easiest final ever. Tomorrow at 8AM its philosophy time! You know, that class is probably one of my favorites. Discussing the existence of God and ethics in a class that is incredibly secular is facinating.
God is working in mysterious ways I think, mysterious to me anyway. Tonight I had dinner with Rachel, which was really fun. She's my lil sis! Except that our "anchor parents" dont ever really get in touch with us. But its amazing to watch God just developing a relationship between us through the most random ways! We even went on a spur of the moment coffee run to save a great friend from utter exam doom! But of course, she's a smartie and will get an A even without studying!
So tomorrow is a day filled with Astronomy. Right after the philosophy exam, Shannon is going to teach me astronomy, and boy is she the best astronomy professor ever!!!. Then later, I think Stephen and I are cramming again! Too much astro for 1 day! but it's all good!

The verse that categorizes exams is: Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. ~Joshua 1:9
The song that categorizes exams is: I still believe in ignorance as my best defense. So go on, wreck me ~Matchbox20

Tuesday December 9, 2003
READING DAY! So exams start tomorrow, well my Spanish exam is tomorrow at 8am, but then the rest of the day is devoted to studying for philosophy! Somehow, I haven't studied much for Spanish, yet am incredibly unconcerned about it. Do you ever have those moments, where no matter what happens, its cool? That's kinda how exams are feeling. I'm not stressed or blazé. Weird.
So for as much as I hated Charleston, it's really starting to grow on me. Though its got its flaws, doesnt everywhere though? It almost feels strange that the people here that I've only known for about 3 months, I wont see for another month. The people that I've grown to depend on will lead other lives, back to "normalacy" (whatever that is).
The funniest thing ever happened today, yeah it was. Back, a lifetime ago, Justin would always trip over the flat path of Calvin's campus and say that he almost died, well today, Karen almost died then! We were simply walking down the steps, when outta nowhere, she started to fall! She was pratically upside-down... feet in the air, when she caught hold of the railing and saved herself for utter humiliation. However, I couldnt stop laughing! It was so great. Made even better by the lady a few steps below her who would have certainly falled victum to a tumbling C of C student! Oh how great that would have been!
4 DAYS UNTIL THE DAY OF DEATH! Astronomy, then western civ!! But then, its over! NICE! SHOUT OUT TO MY NAPTOWNERS! Cant wait to see ya'll!! So, I should stop procrastinating, because thats what I'm writing, to escape the impending doom of the books, but alas, must study. God- May You grant me, and everyone else, the endurance to perservere through this last week of exams and keep us focused on not only the fleeting details of our schoolwork, but mainly keep our focus on You Lord! In Your name... amen