been thinking...

Ok, so there has been this thought in my head lately and I've been trying to surpress it. Karen, Keturah and I went to Garden City to see Keith's band, Sedgefield Drive, yesterday and they have this song: One Good Thing

...regret will haunt you all your days...
letting go wont come so easy so hold onto your one good thing.
Let me be your one good thing, Let me be the song you sing,
Let me be the one to take you back to where we started...
Let me hold you through the night, tell you everythings alright,
mend your broken heart and be your one good thing! ~Sedgefield Drive

Have you ever thought that maybe you had that one true thing and gave it up? Something amazing, that you let go and ran from? I have the worst timing ever, bc you are happy now. I know that. I dont even know how to say this and you know that about me. I screwed it up and have just been thinking about you a lot lately, even before you called the other day. Crap. You are this amazing person and I just messed it up. I know you're happy, and maybe this is where it ends, but I dono. Have been wondering that a lot. Ok, let me know when you read this.

hmm.

had some classes today, boo for that. stayed awake in all of them which is a big plus. this weekend, i work the whole time, boo for that. but yeah for getting to work with my trainer, kyle, who is super cute w/his short red hair that is jelled! then i saw this happy couple making out and i was sure whether to be like "get a room" or "i wana boy to makeout with" haha maybe it was a mixture. Ok, enough rambling. bed time

questions

I had this revelation today. I hate being the 'friend'. I love friends but not when I want more. Throughout highschool, I was the friend. Brice and I have gone through this over and over and ended up friends. And that ended up being a great thing. Then I got Keith, a great guy! He was amazing and everything I coulda asked for, and I gave him up for someone I wanted and was around all the time earlier this year but again, ended up being only friends with. My question is why does this happen? Do I give off that vibe? Arg! I have some of the best guy friends in the world. Maybe, current situations have made me think of this. I am usually surprisingly cool with it in the moment, and can move on quickly. But when everyone around you is getting paired off, it sucks to see them all so happy. God has a plan. True. I believe that. But patience has never ever been one of my virtues and if He is trying to teach it to me... boo! It's a good thing to learn, but I dont want it right now! haha OK enough of that kind of talk haha. night

JIMMY EAT WORLD - Your House Lyrics

When you're on, I swear you're on.
You rip my heart right out. You rip my heart right out.
I think the whole room can hear me clear my throat.
You rip my heart right out. You rip my heart right out.
If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, don't call.

Then out of nowhere, put me right back there.
Rip my heart out, you rip my heart right out.
And we know what happens when we get to your house.
Rip my heart out, you'll rip my heart right out.
If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, please don't, tell me now.
If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, don't call.

I throw away everything I've written you.
Oh anything just keep my mind off of it, thinking how I had you once.
No, I can't forget that.
Sometimes I wish I could loose you again.
You're winning me over with everything you say.
You rip my heart right out. You rip my heart right out.
When I let you closer, I only want you closer.
You rip my heart right out. You rip my heart right out.
If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, please don't, tell me now.
Yeah, if you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, don't call.
If you love me at all..

2 entries in 1 day... whoa

So, today started off sucking and maybe in actuality, it did, because I am now destined to be even more poor at least for a while, and doomed to once again job-hunt (shivers!). However, on the upside, tons of work was accomplished at the library today. Finally almost caught up in philosophy. Then Karen and I went on a mega shopping trip to tjmaxx (oh no wait, it was marshalls! haha) and spent way too much, especially for not having a job. Then Aaron came over and the three of us chilled. Pretty uneventful, but really needed!
The real question is why I didn't just call to quit East Bay earlier this week when I knew I wanted to. No... I just wanted to show up and get fired and tell him I was planning on quitting anyways. That sucks. Totally wouldnt have felt so bad if I had just quit, but its like him saying we're letting you go sucks. I worked there longer than anyone and he's a jerk 99% of the time and yet I dealt with him and his moodiness. Oh well, sure I dont always have a great attitude, but I worked hard and did what was asked. Oh well, moving on to better paying jobs. No more pennies for hard labor!

Stupidity

Great title huh? Do you ever feel that you are more of a jerk than not? More of someone that uses people than not? More of a person who is selfish than not? More of a person who does what they want instead of what they should? I have been feeling that way a lot lately. This year I have become complacent. Not just with school but with everything; numb in a sense. Which seems worse than feeling a great amount of pain or anger or happiness. Numbness. Whoa. Have I become judgemental of everyone and everything around? Man, if that one is true, then that sucks and needs to be changed immediately. Just want to hide from it all. Can that be done? I want to go home but dont want to be there either because there is too much saddness there surrounding Nana. Direction and ambition and direction and caring have all left. Got Fired from work today. Well, I went in to quit, but it still sucks just the same. Don't want to be this person anymore. Sorry this is so un-uplifting. Just the mood of the moment. Sitting here, even now doing what should not be done. Typing on this stupid thing instead of studying. I want to be that person I once was. Where did that person go? Is it still inside? And if yes, why is it hiding. Ok, enough introspectiveness. Enough! Time to work and focus and study and find a job and find myself again.

Great week tainted... (continued)

Don't really remember what I wrote a lil bit ago, but sure it wasn't much. If you read this nan... I am really missing you lately. Maybe it's because youre gone for 2 weeks. But check your email, you got the longest email ever written! Friends here are great, but they arent you! But then, no one could be like you. You are the craziest girl I know, who loves her friends more deeply than anyone I've ever met. You are always so down on yourself about school, but your gift is not school, but everyone. What a cool gift to be able to make everyone feel better and laugh and cry and smile...

So, what made this week good? Been getting to know someone who's possibly pretty cool. That's always fun. Starting to exercise more... whoa it's needed badly. Not having a horribly tough week back of classes. Seeing the stingrays play. Sonic w/Karen. Talking to her is always amazing!!! Thanks sweetie (haha). Finally getting back into Devotions and spending time w/Christ. Being reminded of how amazing His love is and what He did on the Cross.

What made it bad? First off, getting my boob killed in football (thanks aaron). jk, that was just temporarily painful, then just really funny. Finding out that one of my best friends would rather lie to me to get outta hanging out than be straight w/me. Such a great thing to find out. Pray that there can be some mending there, from whatever went awry, something I dont even know!

This coming week is the week before Easter. Friday is Good Friday. Why is it good when our Savior was put through hell, literally, for us? It is good because He loved you and He loved me so incredibly much that He willingly went into the pits of Hell to give us a way outta the pits! Hell, as I learned in church, is not just a terrible place, but it is a place devoid of God. None of us, even those w/out Christ have ever experienced a day w/out His blessings such as the day and the night. Hell is a place where those suffering can see believers Praising God while they are in eternal damnation. Crazy that that could be considered good isnt it? Well, it is, by God's nature, the only Just thing He can do. By His nature, He cannot forever "hate the sin and love the sinner" as we like to say. But there will come a day when God will turn from the unbelieves and say, "Depart from me, I knew you not!" But Good Friday and Easter provide a way to have Him say, "Come" He Died and Rose to forgive us of EVERYTHING that we have done...Praise God for that!

Great week tainted...

Hey kids....
This blog keeps getting ignored. Sorry. But maybe that means I have finally gotten a life and dont sit here and ponder all day or maybe that I just am getting sick of typing. haha It has been great being back... well sonic is calling karen and I, but more to come... promise

Most Fun Weekend

What's up kids? So, Friday... I got to hang out w/Karen and Abe. He is really sweet, even if he did wear shorts when even I thought it was cold out. But what a fun guy.

Then Saturday... The greatest day ever. Let's see, after like 5 hours of sleep I had to be on campus to work the math meet which was surprisingly fun. Then, I raced to work for a few hours where it was super busy. Then as soon as I got off it was time to go to the COFC vs CITADEL game. We won by a lot... almost double. After that we went to Kickin' Chicken and then to the Citadel oyster roast so Lindsay could hang out w/Jordan. While we were there I found Michael. He was so far gone, but really funny. So I took his keys after the party got busted by some cops and drove his truck back to my place where he crashed.

Once he fell asleep Keturah, Lindsay, Jordan and I went salsa dancing. Oh my gosh, that is so fun. I danced with everyone that night. Must have been my sexy shirt! haha. So, this Mexican man was a great dancer and kept asking me to dance, so I was like "cool" but after a while he asked me a question and I couldn't understand so I was like "do you mean into the middle of the floor?" and he apparently didn't understand me either and said "yeah" so he started heading towards the back and I stopped and said "are we going to the middle?" and he said "yeah" and kept going to the back. Well, I started to realize that he prolly didn't really say he wanted to go the the middle of the dance floor so I said "hey, I have to find me friends and tell them where I'm going" and I ran away haha.

I kept getting asked to dance by this guy, Matt, from the citadel. Only after a few minutes he would pass me off to his friend each time. I was like "what is going on" but the other guy (who's Asianish!?!?... Nan would like that) started following me and talking to me and stuff. He was such a bad dancer (but hey, so am I, so it was funny) but when I was leaving he ran out and said, "thank you for dancing with me, do you think I could call you sometime so we can go out?" and I said "sure." Well, as my luck would have it, he called tonight and so we're getting coffee on Wed. Hopefully it'll be good. Coffee is always good at least. But I just thought that was very random. Augee... Yeah that's his name. Anyways, yeah for spring break starting in 4 days!!!!!!!

TEN random things about me:
10) Though some people hate christian music, it keeps me grounded.
9) I really tried to be ambidextrious when I was young; i didnt work
8) I have a few bathroom issues
7) Sometimes I really miss calvin, or maybe I just would like to rewrite that part of life, though it has influenced me greatly.
6) I really miss my puppies oh and my goldfish moe
5) I have an uncanny ability to remember all of my friends, even if we were friends when we were 5 and havent seen eachother since then
4) I would like to go back to being a kid and enjoy each nap I was forced to take
3) I will never forget my Josephine!!! I miss you my favorite car!
2) Yes, I not only named my car but talked to her!
1) I love being on/in the water

NINE places I've visited:
9) Florida
8) Michigan
7) California
6) New York
5) Paris
4) Bermuda
3) St. Maarten
2) Pennsylania
1) Missouri

EIGHT things I want to do before I die:
8) Find a Godly guy who shares my beliefs and values.
7) Marry him.
6) Have kids.
5) Be middle aged and happy, content with life
4) Have a house where I can see both the woods and water from my bedroom window
3) stay strong in the Lord
2) Understand Math
1) Live on a Boat for a summer

SEVEN ways to win my heart:
7) Love God more than you love me.
6) No games
5) Family has gotta be important
4) Character
3) Understand my sense of humor and have one as well
2) have a pensive side where you can talk for hours and then just be able to do nothing together.
1) Be committed to purity; and respect me.

SIX things I believe in:
6) God
5) Love
4) there is a true right and wrong.
3) Heaven.
2) Hell.
1) Stupid People do exist.

FIVE things I'm afraid of:
5) Being fully known
4) Never finding a man who will love me as i love him
3) Loosing sight of Christ
2) My friends turning away from the Truth
1) toilets.

FOUR of my favorite items in my room:
4) My stereo ]
3) My bed.
2) oh oh my sheets
1) the view from my window

THREE things I do every day:
3) Sleep.
2) Check my e-mail
1) Daydream

TWO things I'm trying not to do right now:
2) study
1) get dressed (haha yes i just got outta the tub)

ONE person I want to see right now:
1) Either my Nana or Nan

The Problem of Evil...

Weird title Huh? Well, its the book I'm reading for Religious studies and it actually had something I love in it:

Holy Sonnet 14
Batter my heart, three-personed God; for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn and make me new.
I, like an usurped town, to another due,
Labor to admit you, but O, to no end;
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captivated, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betrothed unto your enemy.
Divorce me, untie or break that knot again;
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

This reminds me of another poem...

Birches
So was I once myself a swinger of birches.
And so I dream of going back to be.
It's when I'm weary of considerations,
And life is too much like a pathless wood
Where your face burns and tickles with the cobwebs
Broken across it, and one eye is weeping
From a twig's having lashed across it open.
I'd like to get away from earth awhile
And then come back to it and begin over...
One could do worse than be a swinger of birches. ~Frost

Out of Control

Do you ever feel like life has spun away from you? Like the world is going round and round but you are just sitting there watching it? Maybe there has been too much going on, I dono. But there is this apathy towards everying and everyone. Maybe it's pms and I'm sure thats a part of it but not all. Feeling homesick yet finding that strange. Part of it has to be because of my grandparents. Even though things are settling a little, it's so hard to be here and really long to be there with them and for them. Can't focus on homework, class or anything else. Just want to sleep and sleep a lot (maybe forever... maybe not). Hate that I feel this way. Sure, it's depression creaping in and I realize this. However, I am working on it and getting help. Why are some people more prone towards this than others? I really just want to sit and talk with Karen for hours and I wish Nan was here. I'm so incredibly happy for her. Maybe it's selfish, but it's hard to talk to her. To realize how far away she is, To know that in reality I'm not in her life and she's not in mine. I guess it kinda just sucks to have worked so hard at that friendship, to have made it as deep as it is. It's like I'm stuck in this weird place right now. Ok, well since no one reads this I dont feel bad about writing this, its theraputic. Haha. Ok, well off to homework

Long Time Since...

Hey Friends,
So haven't updated this with all the new exciting info that you all really wana know. So, last Wednesday (Feb 2) was my 21nd birthday. Haha. Well, in the afternoon I went to the Liquor store w/Susan and bought Vodka, Kuala and Coconut Rum. Cassi supplied the Coke and OJ! (thanks girl). Then Rach, Keturah, Karen, Susan, Cassi, Leigh-Ann and I went to California Dreaming. Whoa, those Strawberry Daquiris are yummy. So after that we came back to my place where we were joined by Kristi Ford! Had a few drinks... ok a lotta drinks but it was good. Wana see some funny pics? Just ask bc I have quite a few. Apparently Drunk Christy is funny.

I went home on Friday for my nana. Spent 9 hours in the car and she knew who I was. So that was good. However on Saturday she was worse and pretty non-responsive. They said it was because in order to calm her they gave her Tranqualizers and was apparently too strong. So I went back up on Sunday and she was better. She ate pudding and apple sauce and drank some milk and coffee. It was great. I came back on Monday and was told she was even better. Today they moved her to a nursing home/rehabilitation place and mom said nana cried about being there. So sad. I cannot even imagine not being able to get the words that I want out. Please keep praying for them (mom and nana). thanks

My Nana

Mable Hansen, my nana, is the greatest. I remember being little and going on car rides to crazy restaurants and trips to Flordia and her teaching me to swim and watching Anne of Green Gables for hours with me in Gumpy's chair. I can't imagine life without her. She's crazy... I admit that. She was a lil crazy and particular forever... but within the past few years she has developed Dimensia and it has been slowly stealing her memories from her. It has been frustrating and sad all at the same time. Hearing stories of how she just drove around the beltway and missed her exit because she forgot where she was going and a few weeks ago not knowing how to get to the grocery store and driving me in circles for 45 min. I hate how frustrated I got. I love her with everything in me. I spent more time with her as a child than with my parents. I'm listening to Nat King Cole and Frank Sinatra. She would love it. She loves to leave her radio on, so quietly that you can barely hear it, and listen to it all day. Little things that will never be the same.
Today, she had a major stroke on the left side of her brain. We knew it was coming (because her mom died from a stroke in her mid 80's, which is Nana's age) but that doesn't mean I was or am prepared. I've never lost a family member and she is not gone in the fullest sense yet. However, mom got permission for her to talk to me tonight and I couldn't understand a word she was saying. I was on the Cooper River Bridge driving to get Kamisky's with Karen and Rachel and had to pull over and sob outside of the Days Inn hotel. The only thing I managed to understand was something so typical of Nana that I cried even more. She said, "well I'm going to put on my shoes and leave" haha, she never wanted to stay somewhere she was told to stay. Somewhat stubborn she is! I heard mom saying "tell her you love her" and then Nana like forgot she was talking to me and was like "yes, I do" and so I just kept saying "I love you Nana, I love you" Over Thanksgiving I played Frank Sinatra on the Computer and she was singing along to it. I would give anything to have her tell me a story and tuck me in just like so long ago. She was found on the floor of the room I slept in in their house.
Hey prognosis is 50/50. There is still bleeding on her brain and it's very possible that she will have another stroke tonight or tomorrow. But if not, there is still no way she can take care of herself anymore. She was so independent, even to it being a problem. They said she is comfortable right now, but she knows what is happening and is frustrated by it. My prayer is that she is comfortable and hopefully that she can stay with us until I can get there!

THE EVERYDAY SURVIVAL KIT

Toothpick-- to remind you to pick out the good qualities in others. (Matthew 7:1)
Rubber band-- to remind you to be flexible; things might not go the way you want, but it will work out. (Romans 8:28)
Band Aid-- to remind you to heal hurt feelings, yours or someone else's. (Colossians 3:12-14)
Pencil-- to remind you to list your blessings everyday. (Ephesians 1:3)
Eraser-- to remind you that everyone makes mistakes, and it's okay... (Genesis 50:15-21)
Chewing gum-- to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything. (Philippians 4:13)
Mint-- to remind you that you are worth a mint to your Heavenly Father. (John 3:16-17)
Candy kiss-- to remind you that everyone needs a kiss or a hug everyday. (1st John 4:7)
Tea bag-- to remind you to relax daily and go over that list of God's Blessings. (1st Thessalonians 5:18)

I saw this on Rachel's xanga and thought how it really applied to my life lately. A friend who scared with their anger seems to be trying to reach me again. Life definitely hasn't been following my plan... just ask about my cars (yes plural), grandpa, grandma, Rob's family, math classes. But you know what, my plan is not God's. gotta remember that, and boy is it hard at times. However, in the midst of all my trama, God had a different plan. Rather than letting me wallow, He called me to be there for someone else. Which I must say is nice to just sit and listen and feel for someone else. A blessing in times of sorrow.
When I have been straying, Zechariah 1:3 "This is what the LORD ALMIGHTY says: 'Return to me,' declares the LORD ALMIGHTY, 'and I will return to you,' says the LORD ALMIGHTY." Whoa. In the Word, they used repitition to emphasize or bolden certain phrases... and what struck me most was not what was said... but that it is being emphasized that the LORD really means it. Whoa. Such a great thing to learn.

Funeral

I called Rob this morning and found out that the funeral was at St. John's church on John's Island at 2pm. So, I went to suport him. I got there and was thinging "what am I doing here" "just be quiet" "dont let your shoes make noice". I parked really far away because there were SO many people there. Well, everyone was waiting outside and then after 10 min about 75 people went in, but at least 200 people were still outside. Well, Rob must have seen me walk up because he left his group and came over stood next to me and rubbed my back for a min or so. We looked at eachother and nodded, then he left to go back where he had to be. He didn't get to go in either even though Andrew was his cousin but he and a few of his other cousins stood at the steps of the church. He had his jaw clinched the whole time (i could tell) and he glanced over a few times. I am so glad that I went and showed him that I was there for him. When I called him this morning, as if the funeral wasnt enough his dad went into the hospital. So if you all can please remember them in your prayers.
My prayer has been: "Lord you know how it feels to loose a son; the most precious person to you; so give them the comfort that only you can give"

Pray for the Edgerton's

If you would, can you please remember to pray for Rob and his family? There has been a recent death in the family, and I am not sure I have ever heard of a family being as close as this one. It was a teenage boy, Andrew, who was driving up 95 with a friend to watch the 2005 Inaguaration. So, please remember to pray for them.

You Don't Know Me

You give your hand to me and then you say, "Hello."

And I can hardly speak, my heart is beating so.

And anyone can tell you think you know me well.

Well, you don't know me.(no you don't know me)

No you don't know the one who dreams of you at night;

And longs to kiss your lips and longs to hold you tight

Oh I'm just a friend. That's all I've ever been.

Cause you don't know me. (no you don't know me)

For I never knew the art of making love,

Though my heart aches with love for you.

Afraid and shy, I let my chance go by.

A chance that you might love me too. (love me too)

You give your hand to me, and then you say, "Goodbye."

I watched you walk away, beside the lucky guy

Oh, you'll never ever know the one who loved you so.

Well, you don't know me

Worst Vacation Ever!

Hey,

So I got home around midnight just about a week ago and what an eventful week it has been. Discovered I received my very first D on a report card (evil abstract math!). However the 303 (next class) teacher emailed me a pratice test and will help me along based on that work. Well, I found out about that on Thursday and thought that life was pretty crappy at that moment. Apparently, it can/does get worse. Monday night, I went to meet Katie Kern and Lindsay Wallace at AACS. In the parking lot, I hit black ice, skidded and my car smacked into the curb/fence in the Guam part of the lot. Tried to drive it home, it didn't happen. Got it towed to the Honda Dealer and they said it was $2,100 in damage, so basically it's totaled. Gesh, my lil baby Josephine crumpled. Today I got her towed home and backed her into her final spot. Just glancing at her, it looks like the tire is a little messed up and the quarter panel is cracked, but apparently the entire front end stuff on the left is broken. So I have to figure out a way to sell her. Mom said it was God's protection that I didn't hit another car because I could have been really hurt seeing as how my car just folded up! :( Also, it happened in a time when I'm home, and am getting Kate's car in 2 weeks. (ok mom is playing her singing ornament over and over....) Another protection is that I only hurt the civic and not another car or a person.

On a slightly happier note: my mom always wanted my grandfathers Mercedes. They don't get along but that's what she has always wanted, his car. Well, he offered it to my dad, who turned it down. Suffice to say, mom was mad at him... Well, the man he was going to sell it to fell through (didn't have enough money) so he told me to make him an offer. I said I have $10 in my pocket and he said "deal." So hopefully, I bought my mom that car! Which would be a sweet deal. Car for her, Car for me! Ok, enough rambling about this week.

Home

Just in case you are wondering, I am in Annapolis. Back for christmas break and not really doing anything. I am quite enjoying the fact that I do not have anything to do and therefore I really am doing nothing. What a wonderful vacation. Ok back to doing nothing, maybe I'll actually write something productive tomorrow...