The Wobbles

So it's that time of year...
... everything feels like it's shaking.  Like each decision could potentially sink me.  Opportunities that would excite others paralyze me.  Where does that come from?  Why do I want to leap?  Why do I always want to leap right up until that very moment where I must actually leap?  Then the leap becomes overwhelming, paralyzing, and completely undoes me. 

Not everyone understands this.  To be honest, I wish I didn't.  But I do.  As Mark Twain wrote: "20 years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw of the bowlines.  Sail away from the safe harbor.  Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."  But what if I want that and yet... can't. 

These empowering quotes, the joy I feel when first deciding to go is shattered by the reality.  The inability to move.  The weight of making a wrong choice.  Of changing okay for something different.  Of leaving home and my family.  Of trying to do something new - regardless how much I originally wanted it. 

Seriously?  What is this?  This pit in my stomach that becomes a churning.  I truly hope no one else feels this way. 

Despite all of those emotions - of one I am sure.  I am so deeply grateful and thankful for my family who has been there through it all - time and time again.  For listening and encouraging and then who sit there when I can't move and tell me it's okay  For friends who stand by me despite these moments.  Thank you all.

"And I want uncharted"

The title of my blog is "Just Start my Kaleidoscope Heart" and this post follows from the same song.  Some of the lyrics are:

Now I have too much to hold, Everybody has to get their hands on gold
And I want uncharted

Stuck under the ceiling
I made, I can't help the feeling I'm going down
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around
Like you'll show me where to go

I'm already out of foolproof ideas so don't ask me how
To get started. It's all uncharted...

...Never knew so much I didn't know
Oh, everything is uncharted

A good friend once gave me a picture that hangs in my bedroom.  It's of a woman walking and she's holding a pair of shoes.  What's so special about this?  This is what I read when getting ready for the day, everyday:

Followed by a sign that reads: FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS.

Shel Silverstein wrote a poem called "The Voice" and it says this:

There is a voice inside of you
That whispers all day long,
“I feel that this is right for me,
I know that this is wrong.”
No teacher, preacher, parent, friend
Or wise man can decide
What’s right for you– – just listen to
The voice that speaks inside. 

The Will of God is exactly where I want to reside.  To remain there is to be in the best place - not the easiest, not the safest - but the BEST.  To live a life that may appear uncharted to others but that is perfectly and wonderfully charted by the Lord.  Ethiopia has changed my outlook on so many things and there's an opportunity to go again.  My heart screams take a pair of rain boots and head out to experience a few things, to possibly change a few things and to definitely be changed in the process.

"See the rain See it fall..."

Hurricane Irene rages outside... By rages, I mean it's raining pretty hard and it's windy.  John and I met up for coffee downtown only to discover that City Dock was without power.  So we took a long stroll during the beginning of the hurricane.  We walked all around ego alley and across the bridge into Eastport.  Ok, it was definitely windy up there, at point the rain felt like ice pellets (Ouch) and we were soaked. What a blast!!  I had on rain boots and my rain jacket and so it felt like being in Addis Ababa, only it was Annapolis, MD.  A moment of home away from home... in my hometown :)   

Psalm 31:5 says, "Into thine hand I commit my spirit; thou hast redeemed me, O Lord God of truth"  Spurgeon writes, "His spirit is his most valuable treasure.  If this is safe, all is well... All things are safe in Jehovah's hands."  No matter how powerful the storm rages (Irene or just simply the storms of life), if we have committed our spirit into the Hand of God, we are safe and all is well.  Thankful for a God who weaves reminders of His sovereignty and complete power into unexpected places precisely when they are needed!!!

Calm as the Summer's Ocean...

     Throughout the trip, I read Morning & Evening by Charles Spurgeon.  On our first night in Addis, the reading was June 22 and accompanying verse was "That those things which cannot be shaken may remain" Hebrews 12:27.  Something about this verse struck a chord.  I'd been awake so long that everything was blurry, and yet this verse and this reading were clear, crystal clear.  I read this passage, then reread it and even reread it again.  It's become so marked up in different colors, but that makes it even more precious.

Two quotes became the themes of my trip. 

1. You are standing at the foot of His cross, trusting alone in the merit of Jesus' precious blood.
2. Therefore, calm as the summer's ocean, we will see the wreck of everything earthborn, yet rejoice in the God of our salvation. 

     So how did these become the theme quotes of my trip?  Well the first one is true regardless of where I am.  As Buster (ECBC Pastor) says often, we are leaky buckets and need to continually run to the cross to be filled up again and again with the grace and love of Christ.  During the trip, it felt like that was even more true.  Everyday, running to the cross and having nothing to trust in except the Cross.  I was being thrown into situations that were new and definitely out of what I would call my comfort zone.  It felt like I was being drained at an even faster rate than usual, or maybe it was simply that I was paying more attention to the draining and vast need for my Savior.  There was no way to put trust in myself but my trust had to be fully in Jesus' precious blood.

     The 2nd quote is how I feel about Korah.  Korah: a town formed on the outside of a Leper Hospital in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia.  The people who are a part of this town are 3rd and 4th generation living there (a lot of them anyway).  The town itself is just adjacent to the trash dump.  So this area is dirty, muddy and smells horrific - horrific in a manner that I can't even begin to describe fully.  It's one of those smells that simply won't leave though... When our bus wound around the muddy streets, it was all I could do to keep the gag reflex under control.  Mud huts and Tin walls.  Feces in the street.  When we got lost, Rachel saw Bones (I don't know what they were of...) in the street.  This place felt to me like the wreck of everything earthborn.  There was nothing in my mind that could relate to this or fully understand what we were walking into. We spent the week working with Project 61 and the kids there.  Carrie and Rachel taught English.  Emily, Alex and Heather did crafts.  Julia and Michael taught Bible lessons.  Steve and I played games.  This week was without a doubt the best week in Ethiopia.  We came together as a team and worked as a unit.  

     Together, we discovered what it truly meant to rejoice in the God of our Salvation.  These kids live (at first I wrote lived, but even though I'm not there... they still are...), on average on about $1-3 USD per month, and yet they rejoiced.  We had the opportunity to feed them lunch (if a part of the program, they are allowed as much food as they desire) and from the very start, they wanted to feed us - an Ethiopian sign of friendship.  They fed and fed and fed us until we couldn't take one more bite, yet we did anyway.  This moved me in a way that very few things have ever done.  Generosity and joy overflowed from them.  If I was in their position would those words describe me?  I keep coming back to that question... and a resounding and humbling NO comes to mind.

     On the first day Rachel, Michael and I volunteered to feed three men who suffered from Leprosy and could not feed themselves.  At first, I was apprehensive.  How do I go about feeding injera to someone else?  I can barely feed myself injera without making a complete mess.  How much shiro (chick peas) do I put in the injera?  What is the right amount of food?  These questions raced through my head.  After an awkward start, we found our rhythm.  My friend and I fumbled (ok I fumbled) through hand gestures and finally I understood that he liked a HUGE bite of injera, preferred when it was steaming hot, was okay with biting my fingers if need be so long as he got the whole bite of food, and he loved leftovers.  It worked for us.  But how humbling it was for me to feed this man everyday.  To realize that this is his life and that each and every time he wants to eat, he has to fully rely on others - unhinged me but also uplifted my spirit.  The leprosy had taken away his hands and feet.  According to PubMed Health "People with long-term leprosy may lose the use of their hands or feet due to repeated injury resulting from lack of sensation"  Despite all that he had to struggle through, a life that could easily be construed as "the wreck of everything earthborn" by typical standards, he rejoiced...  He tipped his hat to me in gratitude (as my grandfather would have done) while another one of the men sang blessings over us, daily.  They truly "rejoiced in the God of our salvation."

  Now that I'm back in America those two quotes still move me.  I hope and pray that I can remember the lessons taught to me in Korah and that I can continue to tell their story... the story of rejoicing in the God of our Salvation despite living in the wreck of everything earthborn.

 

"The best use of life is to invest it in something which will out last life. ~William James

How do you go about describing a month that was so full of heartbreak and love?  How do you go about reconciling what was seen and what was learned with a way of life that is so unconnected and so unlike what was just reality for a month?  This is my current struggle and my current joy.  

It's been a mere 48 hours since saying goodbye to the friends who have impacted my life each and every moment for the past month.  Without these people (many featured in the photo at the bottom of this page - many more will be featured as I filter through all the pics!), I would have been lost!!!  Truly.

I am so inadequate with words and so I'm going to use the title quote to describe how I feel - at least currently - about the trip.  "The best use of life is to invest it in something which will out last life" ~William James.  He is right.  Completely right.  Spending time investing in others, in serving others, in loving others is the very best thing I've found for my life. 

C.S. Lewis wrote that "To love at all is to be vulnerable.  Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken."  Well, that's definitely true because I am wrung out, worn out and exhausted.  The last week, I felt utterly done, like there was nothing left to give.  Anything done that week was done purely out of the strength of the Lord.  I am currently broken; broken from the dire conditions that people live in everyday, broken from the circumstances that leave people with absolutely nothing, and broken from the incredible joy and hope that springs out from the most horrible places.  Love is worth it.  Every time. Even if it leaves me wrung out and broken, it's worth it! 

Over the next few days, I will be trying to bring to light the events that stand out most in my mind.  Stay tuned and thank you all for your support and prayer while we were gone and as we all try to return to "Normal"

Will You Go Out Without Knowing?

This week I decided to read My Utmost for His Highest but Oswald Chambers. If you haven't read it - it's worth picking up! Instead of following the readings assigned per day, I have decided to just read through it, one day at a time. So yesterday, I read the reading for January 2... it's definitely NOT January 2 (Thank God!!)

Anyway, the title comes from Hebrews 11:8 "He went out, not knowing where he was going" One of the points that Oswald Chambers makes is that "God does not tell you what He is going to do - He reveals to you who He is." If you know me, then you know how hard this hit me. I feel comfort knowing how things will pan out. But, according to Hebrews 11:8 and Mr. Chambers, it seems that my prayer needs to change drastically. After reading this last night and spending quality time contemplating this, I am confident that my new prayer needs to be more along the lines of: If this is where you're leading me... ok. Let's go. I may not know what is coming, but Lord give me strength that's from You to trust and go... wherever and whenever that looks like"

TIME

“Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein. " ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr

"We say we waste time, but that is impossible. We waste ourselves" ~Alice Bloch

Challenging words. Do any of us realize how precious time is? That we can do great things. That we should use each minute to do something... something bigger than our to-do lists. Each moment that goes by is either used for the Lord and for glorifying Him or it is a precious moment that is wasted.

At the end of my life, I want to be able to say that I used the moments, each and every moment; that I understood, at least on some level, the gift of time!