Monday December 29, 2003
Well, It seems that I've entered a pensive mood. Haven't had one in quite a while, but maybe its the chill of the air or the scent of my house that is just reviving so many memories and triggering thoughts I thought I had put asunder. Apparently, the problem with my foot is that all cartiledge between the bones is all inflamed, what a lovely thought. By not walking and such, it will heal slowly... So, I've of course been walking all around at work! Oh well! C'est la vie. Found this old incubus cd today, well just now actually. Maybe that's augmenting my already morose mood. The mood might not be quite to the morose point, but edging more on that perspective than dreamy pensiveness! Today I saw Cheaper by the Dozen. It was really cute, ok, really, the guy from Smallville was cute, but the movie was charming. OH, "warning" is playing... as per expected my favorite lyrics are:
Bat your eyes girl, be otherworldly, count your blessings, seduce a stranger.
What's so wrong with being happy? Kudos to those who see through sickness.

When she woke in the morning she knew that her life had passed her by.
And she called out a warning, "Don't ever let life pass you by."

I feel caught in a haze here. All semester I just wanted home. Wanted it so badly that I could smell it and feel it and "be" there in my mind whenever I wanted. I feel torn between the 2 worlds. Home, the memory of how it was/should be. School, the life I'm attempting to mold from nothing. The memories are so strong and vivid and real, yet the reality is not living up to those utopian reputations. I want both; Both worlds to meld into one unequivocally wonderful place. Where the realities of people I've known forever can be the same as they used to be (or transform into something we're all comfortable with), and that I don't have to compromise between them and the new tangible-relationships being formed.

That was quite verbose idea. Maybe a little too 25cent-wordish. What can I say, I have a surprisingly large vocabulary hidden behind all the simple jargon of everyday life. Once again, I'm expounding too many thoughts. Yet, my mind keep going back to that one time and place. It's done, finished, and I shut the door, but maybe I shouldn't have left the light on in the room that I shut the door to. Because it's continually calling me back... back to what? Devoidness, a place I don't want to return to (or do I?), no no I don't want to go there again. Why do I should like such a girl... I'm usually so tough and jaded about these types of situations. And I have moved on. Maybe I want them to know I'm okay, or show them I'm okay. Crazy huh? Whoa, need to get off this deranged topic that will bring nothing but nonsense and yeah, well, nevermind. Maybe I will go for a drive and clear my head...

Saturday December 27, 2003
Christmas has come and went. In a flurry of opening presents and dashing to speak with one relative or the next, it was great to just pause and look around at what was going on. Family members that don't usually get along were laughing and smiling, my dogs were getting quietly fed under the dining room table and everyone was laughing. It was so nice to just be with family for a day. Christmas eve was amazing too. Wrapped presents and slept a little, then I went over to Jen's house for dinner and somehow fell asleep during A CHRISTMAS STORY. Oh well, it was on for 24 hours straight and so I caught it a few more times! I woke up Christmas morning and my foot was really hurting, couldn't quit figure how it got injured while sleeping. So finally today, mom forced me to go to the doctor who informed me that when you walk the bones in your foot separate, and the tendants are all inflamed causing the oh-too-familiar sprain bruising along with sharp shooting pains when I walk. joy-oh-joy! Even got a doctors note not to go to work today! Ok, well that should be enough rambling today. Hope everyone had a great Christmas.

Tuesday December 23, 2003
Ok, the last entry was wrong, today was the best day home! I got to sleep all day, which I think is the quintessential definition of vacation. After the worst day ever at the ebar I finally went to bed around 1:30 or 2, then got the wonderful chance to sleep til 1030. Then later I went to the store and came back and slept all day. OH PRECIOUS SLEEP! Tomorrow is Christmas eve. I'm so excited because for a change my church is having a candle light service at 11pm, and I love candle light services more than any other! Maybe its because I'm addicted to fire and candles or maybe just because we used to go to Christmas Eve service late at night and I'd get to open a present because when we got home it was Christmas morning. Either way, they're so fun!! Well, Christmas is in 2 days, crazy huh? I cant wait for the Christmas eve candle light service tomorrow. They are my favorite!! Well, the scent of the pie mom is making is making it hard to concentrate so I'm off...

Sunday December 21, 2003
Today was probably my favorite day home so far! At Church the sermon was on Luke 1: 26-56, which is exactly the same as it was at Citadel Square last week! What a coincidence! Well, after a WONDERFUL nap (which I might add, best part of being home... NAPS!!!) Jen came over. We just kinda chilled and hung out. Then we went back to the club, where we got freaked out over Thanksgiving and just watched the sunset over the water. Then had another wrestling match, and, yes, she kicked my butt. Then, right after she left, KT rolled up. And it was so great to see her. Every single thing that had been off between our friendship the past few months was gone. It was like we were like best friends again. Even saying the same phrases at the same time again [AHHH :) ] But, man, every fear I had about home was coming true, about people changing and it not being able to be the same. But it was, we are still changing but somehow changing together! Even chillin with Katie Kern was *stimulating* as usual! Always an eventful time around Katie. Anyways, the tv is calling my name and so I'm going to go watch it now. 4 days left to get right w/God before Christmas

Still Thursday December 18, 2003
Ok, so now its like 9:15 and I just came across this quote:
If you have one or more close friends, consider yourself truly blessed. If you don't, ask God to send someone(s) like that into your life, and focus on being a good friend to those around you.
So, I guess, thats an amazing quote now, as I am feeling distant and separated from my friends. There are a few, those who to this day, suprise me by the fact that they have stuck by! God has given me the greatest gift by having you in my life still. You say that I'm good at keeping in touch with you, well, to me, it doesnt seem like effort to keep in touch with the people who continually help aim my thoughts towards the cross. So, thanks for that friendship that endures!

Thursday December 18, 2003
Well, its like 7pm and I've been off work for about an hour. What has become of that place? Do people not know how to make coffee anymore bc I'm pretty sure its not that hard to rinse out the shot puller thingy (there's a technical name, but I'm too tired to recall it!) But it is cool to see all my old Nordstrom people, even if sketchy Aaron is stalking me again!?!?
So, I had this fear that coming home would be very different and its different and yet the same all at once. The routine and stuff are the same, but the relationships with people aren't. Maybe I feel this way bc a lot of my friends aren't home yet, maybe its because I haven't really talked to them in months and am possibly scared of what to say around them, or maybe its pms... or just possibly all of those reasons rolled into one. Ever have one of those times in life where you just cant find your nitche? I think I'm in that place. What a happy Christmas thought!!
Can I say how cute it was this morning to be surrounded by 3 soundly-sleeping dogs!?!? Andy was snoring, Casey was just kinda passed out, and Daisy was having some kinda crazy dream where she was chasing something because she was running in her sleep! AWWWW Well anyways, I'm gonna roll out, but hope that everyone has a wonderful break and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

Monday December 15, 2003
So, I've been home for about 2 hours now. Exams complete, drive finished. Whoa, what a crazy semester. Time really changes things, but hopefully somethings will remain an ever-present constant. God says he is unchanging, and to me, right now, that seems like the best characteristic He could have. In a world where, when in the short time it takes to turn around, everything has changed, God never does! He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. My personality is developing into maturity, and therefore I am no longer the same person, my friends aren't the same people, but God is still constant. AMEN! So to my friends at home: With God as our foundation, our relationships are bound to still work (and grow) because the foundation hasn't changed! And to my friends at Charleston: thanks for this semester. You all have saved me and hopefully I've been there for "ya'll" too! With our foundations firmly intact, I anxiously await seeing you again! Don't be strangers over break! Christ is my firm foundation, in Him I find refuge and strength. He is the friend that will never leave!

Saturday December 13, 2003
Whoa 4 exams done 1 left. In about 48 hours I'll be back in annapolis. Back to my other life. What a strange concept. 2 different lives. Way excited to be around my friends, yet sad to be leaving my friends. Torn. Hmm. THis is gonna be the shortest entry ever, bc exams have wracked my ability to write anything resembling a real sentence. But yeah, no deep thoughts now. maybe later

Wednesday December 10, 2003
Exams began today. Spanish is over, easiest final ever. Tomorrow at 8AM its philosophy time! You know, that class is probably one of my favorites. Discussing the existence of God and ethics in a class that is incredibly secular is facinating.
God is working in mysterious ways I think, mysterious to me anyway. Tonight I had dinner with Rachel, which was really fun. She's my lil sis! Except that our "anchor parents" dont ever really get in touch with us. But its amazing to watch God just developing a relationship between us through the most random ways! We even went on a spur of the moment coffee run to save a great friend from utter exam doom! But of course, she's a smartie and will get an A even without studying!
So tomorrow is a day filled with Astronomy. Right after the philosophy exam, Shannon is going to teach me astronomy, and boy is she the best astronomy professor ever!!!. Then later, I think Stephen and I are cramming again! Too much astro for 1 day! but it's all good!

The verse that categorizes exams is: Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. ~Joshua 1:9
The song that categorizes exams is: I still believe in ignorance as my best defense. So go on, wreck me ~Matchbox20

Tuesday December 9, 2003
READING DAY! So exams start tomorrow, well my Spanish exam is tomorrow at 8am, but then the rest of the day is devoted to studying for philosophy! Somehow, I haven't studied much for Spanish, yet am incredibly unconcerned about it. Do you ever have those moments, where no matter what happens, its cool? That's kinda how exams are feeling. I'm not stressed or blazé. Weird.
So for as much as I hated Charleston, it's really starting to grow on me. Though its got its flaws, doesnt everywhere though? It almost feels strange that the people here that I've only known for about 3 months, I wont see for another month. The people that I've grown to depend on will lead other lives, back to "normalacy" (whatever that is).
The funniest thing ever happened today, yeah it was. Back, a lifetime ago, Justin would always trip over the flat path of Calvin's campus and say that he almost died, well today, Karen almost died then! We were simply walking down the steps, when outta nowhere, she started to fall! She was pratically upside-down... feet in the air, when she caught hold of the railing and saved herself for utter humiliation. However, I couldnt stop laughing! It was so great. Made even better by the lady a few steps below her who would have certainly falled victum to a tumbling C of C student! Oh how great that would have been!
4 DAYS UNTIL THE DAY OF DEATH! Astronomy, then western civ!! But then, its over! NICE! SHOUT OUT TO MY NAPTOWNERS! Cant wait to see ya'll!! So, I should stop procrastinating, because thats what I'm writing, to escape the impending doom of the books, but alas, must study. God- May You grant me, and everyone else, the endurance to perservere through this last week of exams and keep us focused on not only the fleeting details of our schoolwork, but mainly keep our focus on You Lord! In Your name... amen

Sunday December 7, 2003
Today was a very random day, yet at the same time, entertainingly cute. So at church Karen met her anchor family and they invited both of us to lunch! How fun to get to go to lunch in N. Charleston with people we dont even know! Whoa baby, so much better than microwaved food! Anyways, last night we were listening to the cd Spoken For by Mercy Me in the car and so of course I had to play it more today... So while running the 2nd song called "Here am I" came on. It hit me how the song and the messages in BCM have been intertwined lately. They both are all about being willing to let God use you. The lyrics to the chorus are:

"Whom shall I send? Who will go for me? To the ends of the earth Who will rise up for their King? Here am I, send me. Here am I, send me

I wanna proclaim the love of Jesus in all I do and say, Unashamed Whom shall I send? Who will go for me? To the ends of the earth Who will rise up for their King Here am I, send me. Here am I, send me!"

Do I eminate a willingness to be used by God? Or do I just go through the church motions? Because sometimes I think I'm searching Him out, yet in actuality, its just the motions! Maybe God is using me, thats a pretty cool thought! The all-powerful ruler of the universe who is my friend and who wants to spread His message to those around me! What a priviledge!!! God truly is my Yahweh Tsidkenu

So on another topic: A very special person told me that I was one of "the best random things God has ever done for them" but to that person, who I know will read this: Thank you so much for making me smile, for seeing through my hard exterior to who I really am and for blessing me each and every day! All I can say is Thanks, which doesnt quite seem enough, but it's all I know how to give! So, Thanks!!!

Christmas is soon, very very soon, is your heart in the right frame of mind for it? Is mine? Only 18 days to get it straight!!! To Naptown: cant wait to see ya'll!

Tuesday December 2, 2003
Today was my last day of Tuesday classes for this semester! Last day of the torment of having 4 long classes, horribly dispersed pointedly throughout the day in a way so as to never really get anything accomplished between classes! However, in order to add to the joyousness of this occasion (which should be marked and celebrated forever!) Kristin (who has, if possible, the exact same excellent taste in music that I have :) !) had me download this song that I have absolutely fallen in love with, if that's possible, which I think is absolutely possible! The song is called "Out Of My League" by the amazingly talented Stephen Speaks. The lyrics are comparable to "The Luckiest" by Ben Folds which I think I've also mentioned! Well, the chorus is a melodic blend of piano and a solo male voice that rings out with words destined to make everygirl a little wistful!
"it's her hair and her eyes today that just simply take me away. And the feeling that I'm falling further in love makes me shiver but in a good way. All the times I have sat and stared as she thoughtfully thumbs through her hair. And she purses her lips, bats her eyes and she plays with me sitting there slack-jawed and nothing to say, cause I love her with all that I am! And my voice shakes along with my hands cause it's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea but I'd rather be here than on land! Yes she's all that I see and she's all that I need and I'm out of my league once again!"
Does anyone know where this semester went? It feels like a drifting dream. It was forever ago that Katie and I would sit and lay on our beach rafty things and just talk for hours. Or Manda and I would fight for the good raft! Gesh a whip, but then again, it seems like yesterday, like a tangible memory that I can see and smell and remember every detail! Maybe that will happen again...
Yet, at the same time, I don't feel like I am that person anymore. I heard this quote, and maybe its from Dawsons Creek... Ok I know it is, it goes something like this, "its like when you grow up, you just stop needing those people like you did, and its sad" that's not it exactly, but its the gist. I guess that's how life goes. Those people made you who you are, impacted you, changed you, helped you, you helped them. Life wouldn't have been bearable without them, but I guess over time we all just need something else out of friendships and relationships and we just need eachother less, thus not making what we had any less valuable, but maybe not as involved as it once was. Ok, that's prolly quite enough rambling for today. But more, as per usual... Later