Monday December 29, 2003
Well, It seems that I've entered a pensive mood. Haven't had one in quite a while, but maybe its the chill of the air or the scent of my house that is just reviving so many memories and triggering thoughts I thought I had put asunder. Apparently, the problem with my foot is that all cartiledge between the bones is all inflamed, what a lovely thought. By not walking and such, it will heal slowly... So, I've of course been walking all around at work! Oh well! C'est la vie. Found this old incubus cd today, well just now actually. Maybe that's augmenting my already morose mood. The mood might not be quite to the morose point, but edging more on that perspective than dreamy pensiveness! Today I saw Cheaper by the Dozen. It was really cute, ok, really, the guy from Smallville was cute, but the movie was charming. OH, "warning" is playing... as per expected my favorite lyrics are:
Bat your eyes girl, be otherworldly, count your blessings, seduce a stranger.
What's so wrong with being happy? Kudos to those who see through sickness.

When she woke in the morning she knew that her life had passed her by.
And she called out a warning, "Don't ever let life pass you by."

I feel caught in a haze here. All semester I just wanted home. Wanted it so badly that I could smell it and feel it and "be" there in my mind whenever I wanted. I feel torn between the 2 worlds. Home, the memory of how it was/should be. School, the life I'm attempting to mold from nothing. The memories are so strong and vivid and real, yet the reality is not living up to those utopian reputations. I want both; Both worlds to meld into one unequivocally wonderful place. Where the realities of people I've known forever can be the same as they used to be (or transform into something we're all comfortable with), and that I don't have to compromise between them and the new tangible-relationships being formed.

That was quite verbose idea. Maybe a little too 25cent-wordish. What can I say, I have a surprisingly large vocabulary hidden behind all the simple jargon of everyday life. Once again, I'm expounding too many thoughts. Yet, my mind keep going back to that one time and place. It's done, finished, and I shut the door, but maybe I shouldn't have left the light on in the room that I shut the door to. Because it's continually calling me back... back to what? Devoidness, a place I don't want to return to (or do I?), no no I don't want to go there again. Why do I should like such a girl... I'm usually so tough and jaded about these types of situations. And I have moved on. Maybe I want them to know I'm okay, or show them I'm okay. Crazy huh? Whoa, need to get off this deranged topic that will bring nothing but nonsense and yeah, well, nevermind. Maybe I will go for a drive and clear my head...