The Wobbles

So it's that time of year...
... everything feels like it's shaking.  Like each decision could potentially sink me.  Opportunities that would excite others paralyze me.  Where does that come from?  Why do I want to leap?  Why do I always want to leap right up until that very moment where I must actually leap?  Then the leap becomes overwhelming, paralyzing, and completely undoes me. 

Not everyone understands this.  To be honest, I wish I didn't.  But I do.  As Mark Twain wrote: "20 years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw of the bowlines.  Sail away from the safe harbor.  Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."  But what if I want that and yet... can't. 

These empowering quotes, the joy I feel when first deciding to go is shattered by the reality.  The inability to move.  The weight of making a wrong choice.  Of changing okay for something different.  Of leaving home and my family.  Of trying to do something new - regardless how much I originally wanted it. 

Seriously?  What is this?  This pit in my stomach that becomes a churning.  I truly hope no one else feels this way. 

Despite all of those emotions - of one I am sure.  I am so deeply grateful and thankful for my family who has been there through it all - time and time again.  For listening and encouraging and then who sit there when I can't move and tell me it's okay  For friends who stand by me despite these moments.  Thank you all.

"And I want uncharted"

The title of my blog is "Just Start my Kaleidoscope Heart" and this post follows from the same song.  Some of the lyrics are:

Now I have too much to hold, Everybody has to get their hands on gold
And I want uncharted

Stuck under the ceiling
I made, I can't help the feeling I'm going down
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around
Like you'll show me where to go

I'm already out of foolproof ideas so don't ask me how
To get started. It's all uncharted...

...Never knew so much I didn't know
Oh, everything is uncharted

A good friend once gave me a picture that hangs in my bedroom.  It's of a woman walking and she's holding a pair of shoes.  What's so special about this?  This is what I read when getting ready for the day, everyday:

Followed by a sign that reads: FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS.

Shel Silverstein wrote a poem called "The Voice" and it says this:

There is a voice inside of you
That whispers all day long,
“I feel that this is right for me,
I know that this is wrong.”
No teacher, preacher, parent, friend
Or wise man can decide
What’s right for you– – just listen to
The voice that speaks inside. 

The Will of God is exactly where I want to reside.  To remain there is to be in the best place - not the easiest, not the safest - but the BEST.  To live a life that may appear uncharted to others but that is perfectly and wonderfully charted by the Lord.  Ethiopia has changed my outlook on so many things and there's an opportunity to go again.  My heart screams take a pair of rain boots and head out to experience a few things, to possibly change a few things and to definitely be changed in the process.