been thinking...

Ok, so there has been this thought in my head lately and I've been trying to surpress it. Karen, Keturah and I went to Garden City to see Keith's band, Sedgefield Drive, yesterday and they have this song: One Good Thing

...regret will haunt you all your days...
letting go wont come so easy so hold onto your one good thing.
Let me be your one good thing, Let me be the song you sing,
Let me be the one to take you back to where we started...
Let me hold you through the night, tell you everythings alright,
mend your broken heart and be your one good thing! ~Sedgefield Drive

Have you ever thought that maybe you had that one true thing and gave it up? Something amazing, that you let go and ran from? I have the worst timing ever, bc you are happy now. I know that. I dont even know how to say this and you know that about me. I screwed it up and have just been thinking about you a lot lately, even before you called the other day. Crap. You are this amazing person and I just messed it up. I know you're happy, and maybe this is where it ends, but I dono. Have been wondering that a lot. Ok, let me know when you read this.

hmm.

had some classes today, boo for that. stayed awake in all of them which is a big plus. this weekend, i work the whole time, boo for that. but yeah for getting to work with my trainer, kyle, who is super cute w/his short red hair that is jelled! then i saw this happy couple making out and i was sure whether to be like "get a room" or "i wana boy to makeout with" haha maybe it was a mixture. Ok, enough rambling. bed time

questions

I had this revelation today. I hate being the 'friend'. I love friends but not when I want more. Throughout highschool, I was the friend. Brice and I have gone through this over and over and ended up friends. And that ended up being a great thing. Then I got Keith, a great guy! He was amazing and everything I coulda asked for, and I gave him up for someone I wanted and was around all the time earlier this year but again, ended up being only friends with. My question is why does this happen? Do I give off that vibe? Arg! I have some of the best guy friends in the world. Maybe, current situations have made me think of this. I am usually surprisingly cool with it in the moment, and can move on quickly. But when everyone around you is getting paired off, it sucks to see them all so happy. God has a plan. True. I believe that. But patience has never ever been one of my virtues and if He is trying to teach it to me... boo! It's a good thing to learn, but I dont want it right now! haha OK enough of that kind of talk haha. night

JIMMY EAT WORLD - Your House Lyrics

When you're on, I swear you're on.
You rip my heart right out. You rip my heart right out.
I think the whole room can hear me clear my throat.
You rip my heart right out. You rip my heart right out.
If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, don't call.

Then out of nowhere, put me right back there.
Rip my heart out, you rip my heart right out.
And we know what happens when we get to your house.
Rip my heart out, you'll rip my heart right out.
If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, please don't, tell me now.
If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, don't call.

I throw away everything I've written you.
Oh anything just keep my mind off of it, thinking how I had you once.
No, I can't forget that.
Sometimes I wish I could loose you again.
You're winning me over with everything you say.
You rip my heart right out. You rip my heart right out.
When I let you closer, I only want you closer.
You rip my heart right out. You rip my heart right out.
If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, please don't, tell me now.
Yeah, if you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, don't call.
If you love me at all..

2 entries in 1 day... whoa

So, today started off sucking and maybe in actuality, it did, because I am now destined to be even more poor at least for a while, and doomed to once again job-hunt (shivers!). However, on the upside, tons of work was accomplished at the library today. Finally almost caught up in philosophy. Then Karen and I went on a mega shopping trip to tjmaxx (oh no wait, it was marshalls! haha) and spent way too much, especially for not having a job. Then Aaron came over and the three of us chilled. Pretty uneventful, but really needed!
The real question is why I didn't just call to quit East Bay earlier this week when I knew I wanted to. No... I just wanted to show up and get fired and tell him I was planning on quitting anyways. That sucks. Totally wouldnt have felt so bad if I had just quit, but its like him saying we're letting you go sucks. I worked there longer than anyone and he's a jerk 99% of the time and yet I dealt with him and his moodiness. Oh well, sure I dont always have a great attitude, but I worked hard and did what was asked. Oh well, moving on to better paying jobs. No more pennies for hard labor!

Stupidity

Great title huh? Do you ever feel that you are more of a jerk than not? More of someone that uses people than not? More of a person who is selfish than not? More of a person who does what they want instead of what they should? I have been feeling that way a lot lately. This year I have become complacent. Not just with school but with everything; numb in a sense. Which seems worse than feeling a great amount of pain or anger or happiness. Numbness. Whoa. Have I become judgemental of everyone and everything around? Man, if that one is true, then that sucks and needs to be changed immediately. Just want to hide from it all. Can that be done? I want to go home but dont want to be there either because there is too much saddness there surrounding Nana. Direction and ambition and direction and caring have all left. Got Fired from work today. Well, I went in to quit, but it still sucks just the same. Don't want to be this person anymore. Sorry this is so un-uplifting. Just the mood of the moment. Sitting here, even now doing what should not be done. Typing on this stupid thing instead of studying. I want to be that person I once was. Where did that person go? Is it still inside? And if yes, why is it hiding. Ok, enough introspectiveness. Enough! Time to work and focus and study and find a job and find myself again.