Sunday November 30, 2003. So, that just might have been the quickest Thanksgiving break ever! It was such a relaxing time. It was weird, every other time coming back I have been inconsolable. However this time, I just calmly walked onto the plane. I think its because I have it so ingrained that coming back is only for 15 days then home for a WHOLE MONTH. It was so just, relaxing and refreshing. I didn't really hang out with my friends, other than Kate and Jen. Maybe in the past 3 months, the group of people that always chilled has really grown apart?!? I dono, its weird, bc the first time I went home, I was really annoyed by this phenomenon, but this time, I was somewhat relieved. Well, maybe relieved isn't the right word... But I seem to be in this odd stage of life right now. Its like I'm quite satisfied to be alone or with family and just kinda watching life. That seems so abnormal for a college kid, but its where I am you know?

The Rascal Flatts song "you" has been stuck in my head for days. "Every road that I've been down, The only truth that I have found, There's only one thing I can't live without...You.. I was searching for something I thought I would never find, Losing my mind. In and out of bad love, I thought I was born to lose, Then came you... I thought I knew what the real thing was but nothing shakes me like your love does. I've been hypnotized Now I realize " Whoa, what amazing lyrics! If you know me, you know I'm addicted to lyrics, and this is just a simple acapella tune that is just so sweet!

Home with my mom and dad was so great! And Jen, haha was there really a dude in the club house with us? Bc that totally freaked me out! What great times! and oh yes, YOU ARE SO GOING DOWN AT CHRISTMAS! haha, but you get to pratice on Boone right? Who should I pratice with... any volunteers?!? :) Kate, thanks for the Bible study in person and for continually keeping me responsible like that! Karen, I should also thank you for helping to make C of C a little less overwhelming! "yea you do" And to all my other friends who are getting through college along w/me, its amazing that we're here, crazy and scary, but amazing too! So, This is the weird, rambling, but hopefully not to meloncholy entry for today. But thats all til next time...

Tuesday November 25, 2003. It's about 9:30, and it's somewhat strange here in Charleston tonight. Everyone basically has left for Thanksgiving break. My flight is tomorrow morning, so, theres really no one to talk to. I thought that would be strange, but its kinda peaceful. Downtown is all decorated and decked out in Christmas decor, and theres like no one here. It kinda makes me want to get in the car and drive around to OHH and AHH at the lights, but alas, I'm all comfy and its only 54 degrees out. C of C isnt as horrible as I had once thought. I'm starting to find a groove and becoming more self-assured. I'm so excited to go home, but at the same time, I know when I get back, I'll just be homesick again. It almost makes me want to stay here and finish the 15 days I have left of classes/exams and then have like an even earlier Christmas break... if that makes any sense at all? Maybe it doesnt. Guess this is going to be a short entry, but have a great thanksgiving!

Monday 24 November 2003. (dated like that just for you Karen...). So, the message at BCM really seems to have struck me tonight. It came from Acts 9:1-19. Stephen talked about Ananias and about how he was "Forgotten but faithful." He made the point that God uses those who are available and willing. I rush and rush and want to be willing, but am I also making myself available to be used by Him? Another point was that God uses those w/out a title to do jobs that are vital. That means that you and I can do extraordinary things in our ordinary lives. There are ordinary people all around us who can be extraordinarily impacted by hearing the simple truth that we have. How much can they benefit from the message we have to offer? Finally, anyone's took a risk for the kingdom. He went to see Saul, a known persecutor of Christians, and took a giant leap of Faith, went and changed my life. Without Saul's conversion, he would have not preached to the Gentiles, and if he hadn't preached to the Gentiles, I would not know the saving grace of my Savior. I want to be braver for the kingdom, more trusting of Christs' sovereignty, have more faith... These are things that most Christians strive for, but I guess tonight, I just really struck me that in order to accomplish any of these tasks, I must first and foremost work on my personal relationship. I need more conversations with Him, more time with Him, more of Him in my life. That is such a struggle, to constantly need Jesus, but it should be the simplest... eh... but it's not. So, my prayer this week is just to spend a little more time everyday with Him. And Thank you to those of you who have been keeping me accountable. Those who have been praying for me for years, and those who are just now helping me draw closer to Him... Thank you so much!

Yet again, its Sunday 23 November 2003. Writing down my ideas seems like a simple way to rid my mind of the swirling vortex of thoughts that seems to keep me from ever achieving sleep. So, once again, I sit here pondering, which Karen says the world doesnt particurally like. But I never proclaimed to be one liked by the world. Therefore, I can be my pondering self and be fine with my place and that role, because its something I'm good at. So, as of today, theres a new major out there for college kids: PONDERER! I'm gonna get an A in that one. Does anyone know where this semester went? Because I really dont know. After Thanksgiving break, theres 2 weeks left to get all the knowledge of the semester jammed into my brain as well as buying Christmas presents for everyone. Gesh, what a daunting task. Well, Charleston is decked out in Christmas decor. It's been that way for a while now, what happened to the Thanksgiving decorations? And for that matter, where did fall go? Because I'm pretty sure we missed it here. No leaves changing or falling! However, it is cooler, only like 75 for a high, which is pretty sweet. So, life is getting better, and thats a HUGE thing. A little less dramatic and overwhelming. So, maybe thats enough rambling today. til next time...

Today, Sunday 23 November 2003. A good day, a relaxing day, a day of rest and pondering. So, today at church, as per expected, the message was about being Thankful, and not just thankful that a break from school is coming and not just thankful that we get to go home and be with family and actually eat real food. In Pastor Ken's sermon, one of the points was You can be thankful for the friends who help you. From 1 Peter 5:12-14. He used a few quotes that really were amazing "A friend is one who understands the silence" I want to thank one person in particular for being that person who understands my silence. The person who can just sit with me on a pier after Bible Study or go to the beach and just watch the waves. You prolly wont read this, but this week, when I see you, I must thank you properly. And "A friend comes in when the whole world goes out." This person, though I havent known you long, has been the one who came in when the world seemed to be closing, and I hope that I am becoming that person for you, at least in some small way, too. So, thank you for making this place a little brighter and a little better.

So its almost 6, and I'm thinking that this time in 3 days, I will have been home for hours! ROCK OUT! "Stein auf!" Ok, well thats enough for now, but I seem to be in a perpetual state of profound thought. So, til then...

Don't let someone be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option. I've had this quote on my profile many times and it seems to be just as poingant now as ever. Dont let someone be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option. The more I read it, the more I'm convicted. Thats exactly what I've done in a certain situation, and I think that seeing this again, has really resonated with me. I am not someones option. If you want me, then I should be a priority! So, today, I relinquish every tie that I had to you, everything that told me to keep trying is gone. We were friends once a long time ago, and maybe we'll be friends again. Life has a strange way of somehow always bringing us back together. So, I guess, I just needed to vent my frustration over whatever happened. Because I still dont know but apparently that is how its gonna be. So, until then...

I don't get many things right the first time, In fact, I am told that a lot. Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls Brought me here. And I know that I am, I am, I am, The luckiest ~Ben Folds

So, this song, "the luckiest" by Ben Folds. It is one of those songs that seems to eminate itself in my life. I dont get many things right the first time, and I'm actually wrong a lot. But each wrong turn, has changed and grown me into who I am today. Without each mistake, I could be someone totally different. But, I dont dislike who I am now, so I guess that means that I cant regret my decisions. That is a very comforting thought... but not quite as comforting as the fact that I'M GOING HOME IN JUST UNDER 6 DAYS! AHH HOME SWEET HOME!

So, I think I've had a lot to say lately. Not quite sure why, but thats ok. So I was doing my devos today and came across a verse that seems to describe what I was trying to about how I used to be. Psalm 10:5-6 "His ways are always prosperous; he is haughty and your laws are far from him; he sneers at all his enemies. He says to himself, "Nothing will shake me; I'll always be happy and never have trouble." " I thought everything would be perfect forever. But as Psalm 9:1-2 says "I will praise you, O Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonders. I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing praise to your name, O Most High" He has brought me through the fire, refined!

Thanksgiving is soon... home in 1 week! YES!!! That is like the best news ever. Home is an awesome time of refreshment. Time running w/dad, shopping w/mom, playing w/the dogs and hanging out w/friends that I only see occasionally and talk to continuously via IM. So yea for that time of revisiting the past! HOME SWEET HOME!

Borrowing this from Kristin:

I AM: wanting this semester to be over
I WANT: to undstand myself more

I HAVE: a cut on my foot!
I WISH: life was simplier

I HATE: how I always get to the elevator as its leaving my floor!
I MISS: my puppies, my family, my bed!

I FEAR: that i will lose this game of hide and seek.. and never find my husband if i am supposed to have one.. ok i know that is a silly answer... sorry ---> no, its a great answer Kristin... i'm using it!

I HEAR: cars rushing along the street below and the tv
I SEARCH: for truth

I WONDER: how i got here
I REGRET: how my decisions, though right at the time, somehow change to wrong

I ALWAYS: think about the past
I AM NOT: the best western civ student!

I DANCE: when alone
I SING: loudly in the car
I CRY: when emotions become too strong

I AM NOT ALWAYS: confident in things i should be
I WRITE: Poems, bc its easy to express my thoughts that way

I WIN: at tennis verses Katie kern
I LOSE: um? i dono

I CONFUSE: myself a lot
I NEED: more time at home

I SHOULD: be happier and trust God more
I FEEL: too many emotions at once

Just a little thought to add after Bible Study tonight:
"James reminds us that the process of undergoing trials and testing is a joyous privilege that can produce positive outcomes. Not only are trails inevitable, they are essential for building Christ-like character. God is at work in us. He will even use our clumsy mistakes, situational hardships, and personal weaknesses to produce maturity in us. He is out to make us more like Jesus! Let this EXPECTED OUTCOME determine your EXPECTANT OUTLOOK."
What a great thought by the author of the study of the book of James I'm doing. Guess I felt the need to share this in light of my last entry and my present status of "hard-learning-curve" (is that what it is Jen?) My pray for now is that God would continue to conform me to His will and change my caustic heart into one of overwhelming joy! Praise God for His continuance

Life seems to be nothing but a crazy roller coaster lately. During highschool, life was perfect. I had grades, sports, friends, money, and a life that I could control. I didnt need anything, from anyone. But since graduation, all that time ago (haha jk), my life seems to have become the antithesis of my former self. Classes are harder. sports are no longer I seem to be successful at, which is hard because I was defined by that! Friends come and go, and change with each day. And money... haha right! My life was mine, I faked the motions, I was my own god. That seems like such a strange thing to say, like it should be hard, but I guess when the truth stares you blatantly in the face, its not such a hard thing to admit. But while studying James with Kate the other night, I was struck by the simple verse that most of us know. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because the testing of your faith develops perserverance. Perserverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4. How many times have I read this and just let it fade away? For the past 2 years, I have been broken; a brokenness that has matured me and tested me. Though I dont know when it will be done, God has a plan and is working it out all in His own time. This world is dark and scary, though I used to think it safe and simple, but Jesus is holding out his light, and guiding me safely in!