Wednesday January 28, 2004
Today has been a day of forgiveness all around. Forgiving old hurts and for seeing how God has healed and forgiven others. I got an IM from someone who I was pretty hurt by, and they said they were sorry for the past. I wish I could forgive him like God forgives me everyday, and I know I should. But it's like there is a part of me that just can't forgive completely. God says that He removes our sins as far as the East is from the West... Can I forgive that much? It's like I put my heart out there for this person, knowing each time I know what will happen... So maybe I just cant forgive completely because then I could be susceptible to it again? Or maybe I can forgive and just not forget! Does that still count? I hope so, bc I really want to not be angry, and I think I'm to the point of not being angry anymore, maybe still a little hurt, but hopefully something good can come out of it right?
And to you, my friend, no matter what you tell me, I will always love you. Nothing could change that! People have their issues and flaws, but we are bound together because we have that common foundation in the Lord. He sustains us, and will sustain us forever! I praise Him daily for allowing us to be friends for so long, and bringing us together again after everything.... being tight, then distant, then tight again. No matter what school we go to, we're still gonna be there for one another!! Can't wait for you to come down here!
28 January 2004
27 January 2004
Tuesday January 27, 2004
Today, Today was a day when IT finally happened. It's been a long time in the running, and I'm not really sure how to live without it. It has been such a part of my life for almost 2 years!!! Now its gone, and I'm free from the burden of getting caught and the thrill of downloading music... yes that's right. Today, January 27 2004, I deleted KAZAA from my computer. Oh well, guess it's something that had to happen sooner or later, and at least now I'm not stealing music (maybe theres another way to download w/out it being stealing? oh darn it, that's prolly stealing too) Guess it's time to go cry now!
Today, Today was a day when IT finally happened. It's been a long time in the running, and I'm not really sure how to live without it. It has been such a part of my life for almost 2 years!!! Now its gone, and I'm free from the burden of getting caught and the thrill of downloading music... yes that's right. Today, January 27 2004, I deleted KAZAA from my computer. Oh well, guess it's something that had to happen sooner or later, and at least now I'm not stealing music (maybe theres another way to download w/out it being stealing? oh darn it, that's prolly stealing too) Guess it's time to go cry now!
26 January 2004
Monday, January 26, 2004
This is a poem by my friend Kristin. I thought it was amazing and just wanted to pass it along. She's so amazing, funny and stuff. Always makes me think and laugh, ponder and smile. So this is my shout-out to her sticking w/me even though we've been apart longer than we were together at Calvin. So, heres to my old floormate, who loves Jello a lot!
can you HEAR the sadness
the sounds of madness
the absense of gladness
the noise of the ashamed
the cries of the blamed
listen to the echoes of the aching
the hum of their pains are awaking
we pretend not to SEE, but the sounds are blaring
the noises surround us, can't you SEE them glaring
-Kristin
So today, the funniest thing happened. I'm wearing jeans and my navy hoodie right? Well jonas was apparently wearing the same thing wheN I showed up to babysit...awww Well, we went out to barnes and nobles so he could play w/the trains and stuff. Because he was being so good, I bought him a cookie and got us both some water. He was in his highchair and I was giving him bites of the cookie and sips of the water (bc its not a sippy-cup he needed some help) and people were staring at us like "look at the poor girl, had a baby too young" I was like Gesh a whip. But Jonas was so cute. He gave me a kiss on the cheek when we left the store... ok it was more of a cookie slobber thing, but it counts right? YEAH! :) Ok, well, lots to do and little time...
This is a poem by my friend Kristin. I thought it was amazing and just wanted to pass it along. She's so amazing, funny and stuff. Always makes me think and laugh, ponder and smile. So this is my shout-out to her sticking w/me even though we've been apart longer than we were together at Calvin. So, heres to my old floormate, who loves Jello a lot!
can you HEAR the sadness
the sounds of madness
the absense of gladness
the noise of the ashamed
the cries of the blamed
listen to the echoes of the aching
the hum of their pains are awaking
we pretend not to SEE, but the sounds are blaring
the noises surround us, can't you SEE them glaring
-Kristin
So today, the funniest thing happened. I'm wearing jeans and my navy hoodie right? Well jonas was apparently wearing the same thing wheN I showed up to babysit...awww Well, we went out to barnes and nobles so he could play w/the trains and stuff. Because he was being so good, I bought him a cookie and got us both some water. He was in his highchair and I was giving him bites of the cookie and sips of the water (bc its not a sippy-cup he needed some help) and people were staring at us like "look at the poor girl, had a baby too young" I was like Gesh a whip. But Jonas was so cute. He gave me a kiss on the cheek when we left the store... ok it was more of a cookie slobber thing, but it counts right? YEAH! :) Ok, well, lots to do and little time...
25 January 2004
one more small thought for today:
WORLDS APART by JARS OF CLAY.
I am the only one to blame for this. Somehow it all adds up the same.Soaring on the wings of selfish pride, I flew too high and like Icarus I collide. With a world I try so hard to leave behind to rid myself of all but love: to give and die
To turn away and not become another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves more deeply than the oceans, more abundant than the tears of a world embracing every heartache. Can I be the one to sacrifice? Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow?
take my world apart I am on my knees
take my world apart broken on my knees
All said and done I stand alone amongst remains of a life I should not own. It takes all I am to believe in the mercy that covers me
Did you really have to die for me? All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart
I look beyond the empty cross forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains & dull the nails that still remain
More & more I need you now, I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart & take the pain & wash the feet & cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak, & all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty take my tears the sin-soaked heart & make it yours
take my world all apart take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross forgettin what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains & dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart & take the pain
take the selfish take the weak & all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray take my world apart
WORLDS APART by JARS OF CLAY.
I am the only one to blame for this. Somehow it all adds up the same.Soaring on the wings of selfish pride, I flew too high and like Icarus I collide. With a world I try so hard to leave behind to rid myself of all but love: to give and die
To turn away and not become another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves more deeply than the oceans, more abundant than the tears of a world embracing every heartache. Can I be the one to sacrifice? Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow?
take my world apart I am on my knees
take my world apart broken on my knees
All said and done I stand alone amongst remains of a life I should not own. It takes all I am to believe in the mercy that covers me
Did you really have to die for me? All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart
I look beyond the empty cross forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains & dull the nails that still remain
More & more I need you now, I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart & take the pain & wash the feet & cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak, & all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty take my tears the sin-soaked heart & make it yours
take my world all apart take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross forgettin what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains & dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart & take the pain
take the selfish take the weak & all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray take my world apart
Saturday January 24, 2004
It has been a good weekend. Bowling (and winning) friday night. Then tonight, BIG FISH... what a great movie. Everyone needs to go see it. However, that wasnt the highlight. I had a God-sighting. After leaving the movie, my wallet (with credit cards, almost 50 bucks and a few other important things) was missing. After looking everywhere... it was no where to be found. However, we got sent to the box office, who suprisingly had it with all the credit cards and cash still in tact! WOW! Then Karen and I had one of those mind-blowing-3-hour conversations (well not 3 hours, but def long)... and it got me thinking, which is usually a bad thing, but in this case, its good. So here are a few quotes that are aimed at specific people, and if you read it, I hope you know who you are:
"Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget." -G. Randolf
“A real friend is someone who you can sit in complete silence with and still walk away feeling like you just had the best conversation of your life.”
“True friendship is when two friends can walk in opposite directions, yet remain side by side.”
"We will be friends until forever, just you wait see." - Pooh Bear
"My friend, if I could give you one thing, I would wish for you the ability to see yourself as others see you. Then you would realize what a truly special person you are."
"My friends are my heart, my soul, my fun, my laughter, tears, love and my life." -Kate Tierney
Maybe I got a little quote happy, but each one of these quotes makes me think of each of you, and reminds me how blessed I am for you. For the times together, for the memories, for the long chats/silences, for the effort to stay together no matter what, for the flaws and tears, for 2am chats about nothing, for being there and allowing me to be there for you. Each one of you is my friend and whether I see you often or not, you are with me always. Thank you! Proverbs 17:17 "A friend loves at all times..." Proverbs 27:17 "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another" Until I talk to you again, know that I am praying for you and loving you despite any distance whether big or small!
It has been a good weekend. Bowling (and winning) friday night. Then tonight, BIG FISH... what a great movie. Everyone needs to go see it. However, that wasnt the highlight. I had a God-sighting. After leaving the movie, my wallet (with credit cards, almost 50 bucks and a few other important things) was missing. After looking everywhere... it was no where to be found. However, we got sent to the box office, who suprisingly had it with all the credit cards and cash still in tact! WOW! Then Karen and I had one of those mind-blowing-3-hour conversations (well not 3 hours, but def long)... and it got me thinking, which is usually a bad thing, but in this case, its good. So here are a few quotes that are aimed at specific people, and if you read it, I hope you know who you are:
"Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget." -G. Randolf
“A real friend is someone who you can sit in complete silence with and still walk away feeling like you just had the best conversation of your life.”
“True friendship is when two friends can walk in opposite directions, yet remain side by side.”
"We will be friends until forever, just you wait see." - Pooh Bear
"My friend, if I could give you one thing, I would wish for you the ability to see yourself as others see you. Then you would realize what a truly special person you are."
"My friends are my heart, my soul, my fun, my laughter, tears, love and my life." -Kate Tierney
Maybe I got a little quote happy, but each one of these quotes makes me think of each of you, and reminds me how blessed I am for you. For the times together, for the memories, for the long chats/silences, for the effort to stay together no matter what, for the flaws and tears, for 2am chats about nothing, for being there and allowing me to be there for you. Each one of you is my friend and whether I see you often or not, you are with me always. Thank you! Proverbs 17:17 "A friend loves at all times..." Proverbs 27:17 "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another" Until I talk to you again, know that I am praying for you and loving you despite any distance whether big or small!
22 January 2004
21 January 2004
Wednesday January 21, 2004
Sorry for kinda venting in the last one. I'm much calmer now. Played a little bball, had some alone time. Can I say how much that alone time is meaning to me lately? It's like being quiet and alone is better than being with anyone. I relish that time! Is that weird? Is it reclusive? I dono or care! Anyway, just put on my retainer for the first time in a while, and as per usual the bottom doesnt fit, and the top, OUCH OUCH OUCH! But hows the saying go "no pain no gain" I read this girl I used to know's web journal and she's got this great song on it, and since I'm all about the lyrics, here it goes, hope you get as much meaning from the lyrics as I do:
IF YOU WANT ME TO By: Ginny Owens
The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
And I don’t know the reason why you brought me here
But just because you love me the way that you do
I’m gonna walk through the valley
If you want me to
Cause I’m not who I was
When I took my first step
And I’m clinging to the promise
You’re not through with me yet
So if all of these trials
Bring me closer to you
Then I will go through fire if you want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
when you lead me through a world that’s not my home
but you never said it would be easy
you only said I’d never go alone
you oooh oh.
so when the whole world turns against me
and I’m all by myself
and I can’t hear you answer my cries for help
I’ll remember the sufferin’ your love put you through
And I will go through the valley
If you want me to.
That song brings a ton of comfort when I'm not feeling like myself at all. Dont really know what happened in the past week and a 1/2, but its like somewhere on the drive down I lost myself. It's missing and I feel incomplete somehow. I bought a basketball on Saturday and it's been my saving grace. Just going to the park and shooting around, getting all those thoughts to cleanse themselves! And Sunday the bball league starts... GO BCM TEAM GO! So excited. well, homework is calling... til next time.
Sorry for kinda venting in the last one. I'm much calmer now. Played a little bball, had some alone time. Can I say how much that alone time is meaning to me lately? It's like being quiet and alone is better than being with anyone. I relish that time! Is that weird? Is it reclusive? I dono or care! Anyway, just put on my retainer for the first time in a while, and as per usual the bottom doesnt fit, and the top, OUCH OUCH OUCH! But hows the saying go "no pain no gain" I read this girl I used to know's web journal and she's got this great song on it, and since I'm all about the lyrics, here it goes, hope you get as much meaning from the lyrics as I do:
IF YOU WANT ME TO By: Ginny Owens
The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
And I don’t know the reason why you brought me here
But just because you love me the way that you do
I’m gonna walk through the valley
If you want me to
Cause I’m not who I was
When I took my first step
And I’m clinging to the promise
You’re not through with me yet
So if all of these trials
Bring me closer to you
Then I will go through fire if you want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
when you lead me through a world that’s not my home
but you never said it would be easy
you only said I’d never go alone
you oooh oh.
so when the whole world turns against me
and I’m all by myself
and I can’t hear you answer my cries for help
I’ll remember the sufferin’ your love put you through
And I will go through the valley
If you want me to.
That song brings a ton of comfort when I'm not feeling like myself at all. Dont really know what happened in the past week and a 1/2, but its like somewhere on the drive down I lost myself. It's missing and I feel incomplete somehow. I bought a basketball on Saturday and it's been my saving grace. Just going to the park and shooting around, getting all those thoughts to cleanse themselves! And Sunday the bball league starts... GO BCM TEAM GO! So excited. well, homework is calling... til next time.
Wednesday January 21, 2004
Ok, well from this moment on I'm passing over the line, the line that manda and I created... I'm now on the other side of the drama... entered the DRAMA FREE ZONE. Your drama, my drama, his drama, her drama: it doesnt affect me anymore. I'm dull to it all. Theres a song by evanesence that seems to sum up everything I'm feeling. It's called haunted and the chorus goes:
watching me wanting me i can feel you pull me down
fearing you loving you i won't let you pull me down
So, though I've expressed my feelings, I've become the rejected one. The one who screwed it all up, and you know what... thats not right either. So, fine. done. bye
Ok, well from this moment on I'm passing over the line, the line that manda and I created... I'm now on the other side of the drama... entered the DRAMA FREE ZONE. Your drama, my drama, his drama, her drama: it doesnt affect me anymore. I'm dull to it all. Theres a song by evanesence that seems to sum up everything I'm feeling. It's called haunted and the chorus goes:
watching me wanting me i can feel you pull me down
fearing you loving you i won't let you pull me down
So, though I've expressed my feelings, I've become the rejected one. The one who screwed it all up, and you know what... thats not right either. So, fine. done. bye
19 January 2004
Monday January 19, 2004
So, I've been back in Charleston for a week now, well 3 hours short of a week actually and I've been pretty busy. The weather has been amazing though. Yesterday I spent the whole day outside running and playing bball. Today was adventure day with BCM and I went rock climbing, oh so sore. But it was great. Kinda having a hard time readjusting to being here. It's like it's normal, yet I cant quite place what the deal is. Maybe mom is right and I need a more diverse pool of friends here. Not that my current friends are bad, but maybe I just need to widen and enlargen the group. Though being back is good too. At home, I so easily fall back into my life in which I didn't prioritize God at all. Since I've been back I've been reading "My Utmost For His Highest" Some of ideas put forth by Oswald Chambers have really struck me. He wrote "God brings me into the proper relationship with Himself so that I can understand His call, and then I serve Him on my own out of a motivation of absolute love... The Son of God reveals Himself in me, and out of devotion to Him service becomes my everyday way of life." Another one was about being alone with God. What a thought, that I can be alone with the God who is everywhere, always!! "When God gets us alone through suffering, heartbreak, temptation, disappointment, sickness, or by thwarted desires, a broken friendship, or a new friendship- when He gets us absolutely alone, and we are totally speechless, unable to ask even one question, then He begins to teach us." Am I ever totally speechless with Him? Am I ever totally speechless in general? Have I ever been broken to that point? Sometimes I think that my college experience has broken my like this, but have I really been like the song that says "let my pride fall down, I'm a little man"? I want to be broken and little in front of Him so I can have the desire of a Child to learn more and more and be like Him everyday. Well, time to do a little work before class tomorrow... But be back to write more soon.
So, I've been back in Charleston for a week now, well 3 hours short of a week actually and I've been pretty busy. The weather has been amazing though. Yesterday I spent the whole day outside running and playing bball. Today was adventure day with BCM and I went rock climbing, oh so sore. But it was great. Kinda having a hard time readjusting to being here. It's like it's normal, yet I cant quite place what the deal is. Maybe mom is right and I need a more diverse pool of friends here. Not that my current friends are bad, but maybe I just need to widen and enlargen the group. Though being back is good too. At home, I so easily fall back into my life in which I didn't prioritize God at all. Since I've been back I've been reading "My Utmost For His Highest" Some of ideas put forth by Oswald Chambers have really struck me. He wrote "God brings me into the proper relationship with Himself so that I can understand His call, and then I serve Him on my own out of a motivation of absolute love... The Son of God reveals Himself in me, and out of devotion to Him service becomes my everyday way of life." Another one was about being alone with God. What a thought, that I can be alone with the God who is everywhere, always!! "When God gets us alone through suffering, heartbreak, temptation, disappointment, sickness, or by thwarted desires, a broken friendship, or a new friendship- when He gets us absolutely alone, and we are totally speechless, unable to ask even one question, then He begins to teach us." Am I ever totally speechless with Him? Am I ever totally speechless in general? Have I ever been broken to that point? Sometimes I think that my college experience has broken my like this, but have I really been like the song that says "let my pride fall down, I'm a little man"? I want to be broken and little in front of Him so I can have the desire of a Child to learn more and more and be like Him everyday. Well, time to do a little work before class tomorrow... But be back to write more soon.
08 January 2004
Thursday January 8, 2004
Been a little while since I last wrote...New Years eve was such a blast. We all went to Jen's house and had a surprisingly comfortable dinner. It was great to see Jody and Tiffany and even Laura. Whoa, its been so long since being with them all. For some odd reason, it makes me feel good to be around them! There wasn't even that dull lag in the conversation that occurs when friends haven't been around eachother for a long time and cant quite figure out what to talk about... The conversation just simply flowed as if we'd never been apart! After watching the fireworks and all kinda bundling together for warmth, we drove back to Jen's.... However, on the way we stopped and ambushed a polar bear and took a pic with it. Ok it wasn't a real polar bear, but one of those trendy light-up ones! Good times Good times.
I'm sitting here watching ER and thinking and next week I'll be watching ER from my apartment back in SC and I'm not sure what I think about that.
I spoke in AAAS chapel yesterday. They did it more in a question/answer forum setting. Though I feel that the students could have gotten much more out of us speaking about what God has been doing through our college experiences rather than the WHAT TO DOs at college.
Apparently its supposed to flurry tomorrow. I'm so EXCITED! I LOVE SNOW!!! Fun white fluff. Even the cold air is envigorating! Well, that is probably more than you wanted to hear, so thats all I'm going to write. til next time...
Been a little while since I last wrote...New Years eve was such a blast. We all went to Jen's house and had a surprisingly comfortable dinner. It was great to see Jody and Tiffany and even Laura. Whoa, its been so long since being with them all. For some odd reason, it makes me feel good to be around them! There wasn't even that dull lag in the conversation that occurs when friends haven't been around eachother for a long time and cant quite figure out what to talk about... The conversation just simply flowed as if we'd never been apart! After watching the fireworks and all kinda bundling together for warmth, we drove back to Jen's.... However, on the way we stopped and ambushed a polar bear and took a pic with it. Ok it wasn't a real polar bear, but one of those trendy light-up ones! Good times Good times.
I'm sitting here watching ER and thinking and next week I'll be watching ER from my apartment back in SC and I'm not sure what I think about that.
I spoke in AAAS chapel yesterday. They did it more in a question/answer forum setting. Though I feel that the students could have gotten much more out of us speaking about what God has been doing through our college experiences rather than the WHAT TO DOs at college.
Apparently its supposed to flurry tomorrow. I'm so EXCITED! I LOVE SNOW!!! Fun white fluff. Even the cold air is envigorating! Well, that is probably more than you wanted to hear, so thats all I'm going to write. til next time...
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)