What happened

When did this happen? I felt it coming on Saturday and thought it would go away, but it didn't. Great. Something to look forward to for tomorrow. Maybe this fun feeling can stay longer. You know it's real even if you can't define it if your mom calls and without saying anything she knows.
Please don't try to guess how I'm feeling. You can't understand unless you are Karen, or maybe Nan, maybe you can... I think you can you just don't like to express how it felt. It's hard to say that, but you all haven't really seen me like this, and you can't really sympathize unless you really have been here. The wall is sinking and I'm stuck in a cavorous hole with no way out. Where is the ladder out? You found it for me before... do you know where it is now? If you don't, can you just stay up top and keep talking me through? Don't let me go. I hate this.

FALLS APART...

These lyrics are by Sugar Ray. So kristin (if you read this... I hope you enjoy it). Today was a good day. Lots to do, but it was very much NOT focused on me, which is a great thing. Had class, babysat, studied, and then went outside with Leigh-Ann and then Lindsay and Nan came over, and we had out Wednesday night prayer. I really hope Lindsay decides to keep coming! Other than that, something just hasn't been right lately. Can't put a finger on it, but it's there just the same. It's like I've been pretending, or putting on a show w/my friends. Trying to be funny, and yeah it's so fun... but I can't be showy anymore. Somewhere in the past few weeks I lost myself and don't know where it went. When I'm with people, I can be that person, but when alone, I don't feel it anymore. So, I downloaded this song and it seems to sum up everything:

She falls apart by herself, No ones there to talk or understand

Feels sustained, dries here eyes

Finds herself, opens the door inside

People see right through you, Everyone who knew you well

Falls apart, might as well Day is long and nothing is wasteful

Runaway runaway runaway runaway...

All those words that hurt you, More than you would let it show

Comes apart, by yourself

All is well and everything is wasted

Runaway runaway runaway runaway

So that is basically it in a nutshell. It's only part of the song, but yeah, it's applicable. So here is the prayer: Daddy (name used by Nan that is awesome), I try to make my life my own, but it's yours. Take my mind and transform it, take my will and conform it to yours Lord. Everything should be for your glory. Father, this life is yours, you gave it to me and I give it back to you. Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. Thank you father for breaking this pride that rises up so easily. If it will glorify you more, break me more Jesus. Break me to the point where I was last year where there was nothing but you! I raise my Ebenezer to you, because you are the Rock! Lord, it is not possible for me to break myself, so I am praying to you to break and humble me for your names sake. Thank you Lord.

So, another week has begun. Monday, went to some classes, and wondered where Jeanne (the latest hurricane they've predicted would hit us that didn't) was. Then Monday night I went to BCM, and it was really great. Stephen spoke for the first time. Afterwards, I was bored so Nan and I drove and sat at the battery and hung out. The waves were so big though that we kept getting splashed. However, these guys just pulled over and were like "is that your civic?" and i'm like "um yea" and they are like "is it for sale" and i'm like "it could be" and they said they race hatchbacks and need another one. So, if I make an offer then can pretty much guarantee it because it's in demand. Also, the reasons that I didn't want to sell it here are that it's a 5-speed w/no ac. But they want a 5-speed and ac would just slow them down. So it's perfect. Today is Tuesday and it was basically like any other, class, work, class, homework, sleeping during homework. However, Nan and I ran a little over 6 miles. We ran to the Citadel, got there, saw Scott (yeah! which was totally on accident) and "ran/walked" back. Later, Nan used my place to study, but I think she really just talked to Michael the whole time, which is cool, bc he is such a great guy. And I love how they are both going slowly with whatever is going on. Then we studied and such and went to MM to hear some music. Basically,

Weekend Excursions

Saturday: gesh, where is the time flying to? Saturday I slept in, then went to work from 12-6. It was so busy, but its cool cause I got over 40 bucks in tips, which is always a perk! :) Then Leigh-Ann came and we went shopping. On the way home we called Cassi and Nan and decided we were going to see WIMBELDON (Great movie!!!). So we picked up Nan and she did her fun techno dance moves in my apartment. Whoa, she learned a lot more than just WO AI NI and WEI (sp) in Tawian. But it's all good. So, after the movie, we went to George's, a sports bar in West Ashley, because it was Michael's 21st bday and Nan had to give him a card. Whoa, his roommate Scott... that's a wonderful vision to behold. And he was a funny guy too. Maybe we can convince him to come to church?!?! haha. Anyway, afterwards we (the girls) went and sat at the battery talking until like 1:30. good times.
Sunday: Got up after like 5 hours of sleep, never enough for me, and went to Sunday School. Then church, where Tyler finally showed up. The slacker overslept and missed Sunday School. Then we all went over to Judy's house for lunch. But... Nan had to go back downtown to get a form, so it was Michael driving w/Lauren and Tyler and I. I could get us to Sam Rittenburg and Michael could get us to the house from there, but that was no easy task. We probably made at least 3 u-turns. Oh well. It was worth it for the amazing pasta. It was also funny to listen to the knobs (plebe wanabees) talking about how easy it is. Came back, napped, ran in the rain along the battery. Did some hw and laundry, oh oh and homework. So basically it was an amazing weekend here in Charleston.
Also, if you could pray for my friends and I as we all are in the process of growing and struggling w/guys and such. Pray that we can just follow Jesus' will and continually seek Him out. That we will not loose focus of Christ and become solely focused on guys, and such :) This is such a tough thing for people our age, that we must make a conscious effort to search out God's will for our lives in this area, because He knows who that person is. As the sermon said today, "pray specifically" for things, and I'm adding, "pray specifically for this area"!!

Naptowner84: O:-) (the angel face on aim)
McElhaneySassy: LOL...thats just unbelievable christy

FRIDAY!!!
Went to class this morning, skipped Linear and Karen, Leigh-Ann and I watched Moulin Rouge. It was such a great movie. Then I worked, and as per usual, Nan, LA and Cassi came, only when I got off poor Cassi's car had been booted, so we all had to pay to unboot it.
I have to thank you (you know who you are) for listening tonight. I've been having a really hard time with something lately and didn't really even realize that it was my problem until tonight. I understand completely that Charleston, though my home, still has a lot of racial inequality. It's kind of hitting me lately how much of it there is. I didn't even notice it much last year, well I did, but not like recently. I grew up being taught that everyone was the same, and most people here just weren't raised like that. It's just a fact. My friend Shawn used to always say that he was black and I was white and we would joke about it a lot. So one day I put a black sheet of paper up against him and a white one up against me and was like, see neither of us match the sheets of paper. I guess that is just how my mind works. Yes, I do see the difference, but I don't think it necessarily matters so much. Maybe it's trite to say it's what's on the inside that matters, but isnt that true... at least to some extent? It's not like my endeavor here is to change the world, or even anyone. Just I guess what is happening is that remarks that seem racial leave a pungent taste in my mouth. I hear them, even if it was just a passing comment, it stays with me. I'm like "did they just say that?" and I know it's how people were raised here. So, yeah, it upsets me when people say things like that, a lot, but I also know that to them it's normal. But does that make it right? It doesn't mean I love anyone less, it's just difficult for me to hear it and not be shocked. Guess I'm just a product of my society! haha jk jk whoa, that was a deep entry, but as Nan and Leigh-Ann always say "WO AI NI"

Great Day

Today was a really good day. Went to anthropology, which is becoming really interesting, then tutored a guy in stats for an hour and a 1/2, then went to abstract math. But that was just normal. Then I proceeded to go to marion square and lay out for 2 hours (maybe that will help my floundering tan!) . However, when leaving, my bike tired had popped so I had to go get it replaced and walk home to get money! Refixed the pedal on my car, did homework and decided to run. Ran all the way to the end of the battery and back, it was like a 30 min run which felt really good. Came back, ate dinner, tried some more hw and then read Karen's livejournal. Somehow I felt the need to call her, and we ended up at the battery talking for hours. It felt really great. It's almost as if life here is so great, but she was missing from it. It didn't seems right w/out her. And though I wouldnt trade my new friends for anything because I LOVE THEM MORE THAN ANYTHING, it's really great to have her too! And yea for skipping Linear Algebra to go to the beach tomorrow. Ok time for sleep!

Whoa, 3 entries in 1 day, what is going on? But I just have a lot to say and a lot on my mind today. But I just wanted to mention how amazing my friends are here. It is such a wonderful gift from my Lord to have friends that are earnestly seeking after Him as well. Though we all struggle w/school and life and boys and everything else, and we all want to stray, it's awesome to know that someone is there praying for you and loving you with the heart of Christ. Nan had the idea that we all get together once a week to pray together, and I really hope we pray like we did that one night all outloud together. It was the coolest thing ever. How many people are priviledged enough to be sitting in a room, all talking to Jesus Christ outloud, at the same time? Nan suggested it bc it's what she did in Tawain, and if that was the only thing she learned there, which it isn't, then just that to me was worth her trip! :)
Speaking of prayer: I've been trying to study Judges. You know how we all go through periods of stronger faith than others? Of seaking but not knowing what to do? I think that's what this book is all about. When trials are great, or they are being persecuted they cry out "Father save us from this oppression", but when life is good, they are sustaining themselves (which we all want to be self-sufficient) they go back to their Ashera poles and marrying into the other tribes. I don't know about you, but I definitely go back and forth between praising my Savior and worshiping my "Ashera" poles, and it's so horrible. So, should I really want to be self-sufficient? That answer has become really clear... NO! Not only do I need to rely more and trust more in Jesus and study His Word more, but I need people to keep me accountable. So praise to the Lord for providing everything that I didn't think I needed to rely on Him!

For Karen:

In meeting again after a separation, acquaintances ask after our outward life, friends after our inner life.

- Marie Von Ebner-Eschenbach

Your friendship meant and still means so much to me. Without you, I would not be here still. Though I love everyone here so much, it seems different with you. Do you feel that way too sometimes? We don't necessarily know the current events of eachothers lives at any given moment, but you know me, and I know you. Under the facades and falsities of life, the core...! That's such a cool thing. I guess that is where the quote is applicable. You shared the Cameroon part of yourself w/me, and I love being the one who knows your stories and can picture your life there, even if you did spend a lot of time naked there! (ack) And yes being back in the "saddle" is nice. So, thats the blog for you!!

For Karen:

Favorite Christian Praise Song.

So, yeah I know this is from middle school, but it's been stuck in my head all day. I've been trying to download it, and can't find it anywhere. so here it is, SHOUT OUT THE OO OO's!!

Praise The Lord (Blessed Be)

Praise the Lord, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. (echo)
His steadfast love endures forever, and he is good.
We will tell the mighty deeds of the Lord,
And show forth all of His praise, Allelujah!

Blessed be the Lord, the God of Israel
From everlasting to everlasting...
Blessed be the Lord, the God of Israel
From everlasting to everlasting!

Let all God's people say Amen ... AMEN!

Let all God's people say Amen... AMEN!

Let all God's people say Amen, OH praise the Lord!

OOH OOOH

OOH OOOH

Gather us, O Lord our God, From among the nations (echo)

Deliver us and save us, O God, God of our salvation (echo)

So that we may give thanks to Thy holy name

And glory in Thy praise Alleluia!

Blessed be the Lord, the God of Israel

From everlasting to everlasting

Blessed be the Lord, the God of Israel

From everlasting to everlasting!

Let all God's people say Amen... AMEN!

Let all God's people say Amen... AMEN!

Let all God's people say Amen, OOO praise the Lord!

OOH OOOH

OOH OOH
OOOOOOOOH

Yet another weekend is over... I spent friday working from 6-midnight. Nan, as per usual came in and brought people in w/her. Then we got into my car, w/Antonio (maybe) and Michael and had to race to get them back to the Citadel by 1. Once we got them there, we were driving down Calhoun towards 17 and called Leigh-Ann who was w/Suzy. We were like "follow us to get ice cream, we're waiting in the construction area for you" haha bad idea. The next thing I know, Nan is like "theres a man next to us" and there really was. A creapy sketchy man was walking right next to my car, so I gunned it trying to get away, only there was a car next to us and we couldnt go, it was so funny, maybe ya had to be there. Then we couldnt find any ice cream places open at 1am, go figure, so we went to the 24 hour Kripsy Kreme drive thru, and you know what, we drove around it 5X's and no one would give us a stupid dounut. Saturday I worked from 12-6, got off, went w/Nan to her Sunday School teachers house (oh and Lucy came!!!!) to watch a movie. Got there, watched like 6 Citadel guys try to move a sofa (yeah they were struggling) and then we "watched" Hidalgo... worst movie ever. Afterwards we went to Waterfront part and talked, and Leigh-Ann, Cassi and Suzy and her "boy" joined us, and after 12 the police came and told us and everyone else there that the park was closed, so we left. Sunday went to church at Ashley River, had some Red Lobster, did homework in the park outside my apartment w/LA, watched some Titanic on tv, drove to nowhere w/Nan and LA. Fun, fast weekend. Not so ready for classes to start, but on well. It's 11:15 and since I've only been getting like 6 hours of sleep this weekend as compared to my normal 8-10 (yes, I do love to sleep) its time to go crash! night world

Unexpected times...

I'm not really sure what's been going on in my head lately. I took a risk, a risk that has been coming forever, and apparently it isn't going to work out how I had envisioned. However, that isn't killing me. Though I really wanted it, it is really amazing to just have verbalized how I feel, and now, since it isn't returned I guess it really is time to move on. Though it's a weird sensation, it's good to move beyond. You said you were willing to give it a shot, maybe you were just appeasing me, who knows. But I am taking the fact that you cant pin down a time or take the effort to talk to me as your not wanting this to happen, and if that's wrong, at this point you will need to flat out tell me. I will not sit and wait for you to make up your mind forever. Now or never, is what I said and it's what I meant. So I gues you'd rather have never. Honesty is so much better than trying to "save" someone.

This is a random Bbmak song, yeah I know they're from back in the day, but what can ya do?

I want to show you even though there are no guarantees

Just let me hold you love can do most anything

If you just believe

It can take you to the highest high

Make you sacrifice it all. Love is unpredictable

It can change your life forever or it may never hear your call

Love is unpredictable

We don't need to justify, we don't need to wait

All will be revealed to us in time

And if you intellectualize the meaning of this fate

You may never know what we could find

Don't keep me waiting Don't you keep me hanging on the line

I'm only saying You won't know what love can do, if you never try

So yeah, thats part of the song. Love is unpredictable, yes I think that resonates w/me right now. Who would have though I could be bold like that? It's terrifying to put yourself out, but I think it's worth it, worth all of it.

So last night, haha after BCM Leigh-Ann, Nan and I went to sonic... but my drink wouldnt cooperate. Stupid rootbeer float wouldnt stay in the cup, but rather kept (and I mean more than once) spilling all over my jeans. Actually it was really funny, but now my jeans are all sticky.

ps- brice, I am mentioning you in here, like you say I never do, so now you cant say that I dont mention you.

Cold n Wet in the library

Hey, So it decided so it decided to monsoon in Charleston again. However, this time it was when I had to go to class. Woke up, still feeling sick right... Well my weatherbug said it was going to be about 75 out with 20-30mph winds gusting around 40mph. What the heck, didnt the hurricane miss us? So off I go, w/my lil navy warm up jacket, a backpack and a bicycle drudging through the flooded Charleston streets. I always laugh at people who get splashed on, bc sometimes its funny, if the person is wearing stilettos and a mini skirt w/a tiny white shirt while its pouring down rain. However, no only were the streets flooded but I got puddled a few times, and 1 car even puddled me 2x's. arg. Luckily I dont have much homework and can sit and watch a movie and curl up w/a blanket and maybe some hot chocolate. Ok must stop writing like that, bc it's making me want it really bad. time for my last class...

Even though I had to work Fri and Sat 6-Midnight, this has been a really great weekend. Actually, its been a really great week. Friday: Had some classes, finally got to sit down with Karen. I dono what she thinks, but I thought it went so well. Just seemed normal. Hanging out w/the Karen that I love, and yes I do still love you Karen. It just calmed me and from the beginning seemed simple despite everything. Praise God that He could just bring such peace to that relationship! Then I worked and all my friends came to chill. However, Nan and Leigh-Ann stayed til we closed and went to sonic. Then we decided to have a sleep over (what a 4th grade term) but after LA had a hard convo w/Shrek Nan had us pray like she did in Taiwan. The three of us all prayed at one time, so it wasnt hard to pray out loud. It was really cool to be sitting in a room w/some of my best friends just Praising God and talking to Him together. Then everyone came down here and we went to bed around 3:30 after LA scared Nan while she was looking for Vick's Vapor Rub and Nan fell into the tub. Saturday: We woke up and I made pancakes, then we picked up Dena and went to the beach. The waves were huge because of the Hurricane in FL and the currents very dangerous. Well, we were trying to boogie board and avoid the waves, but LA missed and her legs and arms are all cut up. She looks like she got amazing Surfing wounds, or at least thats the story we're all sticking too!
Ok well it's 1AM, and church is in the AM, so I should prolly sleep soon... Stay up talking to Keith or go to bed? I dono...

Today has been a really strange day.
1. Got a call this morning from the Florist and guess what? Keith sent me flowers. How sweet is that? Yeah, it was so fun. All day in class, I kept thinking that flowers were coming, and they are really pretty. What a thoughtful guy. It's a gesture that most guys wouldnt think of doing.

2. I was at waterfront, studying and this guy sits next to me and is like "do you have a boyfriend?" and I'm like "yes" and he just sits and keeps talking to me for like 30 min, and is like "do you have single friends?" and again I was like "yes" and so I'm going back to the park tomorrow w/my single friends for him. haha

yeah, those were the events that happened today that seem kinda unusual. Yeah. Ok maybe I should try to do homework.
Ok well, now that my homework is done... Tomorrow I meet w/Karen E. And for all you that know that situation, I'm very excited. It's a cool place to be in, bc all that anger of last semester and all that hurt, its gone. And that has to be a God-thing, bc no way I could just not be angry anymore, its not me. Surprisingly not worried at it at all. She said she has stuff she needs to say or something, which is fine, bc I'm not gonna get upset. Just pray about it ahead of time, and see what happens. At the very least, maybe it will help her heal if she's not there yet. And I'm proud of her for doing this. She never has sticken me as someone who can deal w/confrontation straight on (and thats not a put down, it's just how it is) and I'm glad she's finally doing that. Not that tomorrow will be confrontational, but rather that maybe, just maybe we can get back a piece of what we had.

Something More (Augustine's Confession) By Switchfoot

I've been really complacent lately. Not really following Jesus, reading the Word, or having passion about anything that I know I should be longing and striving for. So, I decided to play switchfoot the other day, and this song resonated within me. It's St. Augustine's Confession, but I want it to be my confession:

Augustine just woke up with a broken heart

All this time he's never been awake before

At 31 his whole world is a question mark

All this time he's never been awake before

Watching dreams that he once had feed the flame inside his head

In a quiet desperation of the emptiness He says:

Chorus: "Theres gotta be something more

Than what I'm living for. I'm crying out to you" (2x)

Augustine, All his fears keeping falling out

All this time he's never been awake before

Finding out his old dreams aren't panning out

All this time he's never been awake before

But he's mad to be alive and he's dying to be met

In a quiet desperation of the emptiness He says:

Chorus

Something more

Hey, I give it all away

Nothing I was holding back remains

Hey, I give it all away

Looking for the grace of God today

Insanity

Whoa, it's Semptember 1 already! So, haha I slept through my first day of math lab tutoring. Oops. Oh well, what are ya gonna do. Let's see... My classes are going well. Abstract math is so well, abstract, I am not sure whats going on already! :) Well, it was fine until yesterday. We had a tropical storm on Sunday (Gaston) and Nan put this up, so I think everyone needs to read it: Fun things to do when a hurricane comes:

1. Go to the beach with Christy and Leigh-Ann at 1 AM... an hour before it hits land and becomes a big threat.

2. At 11:00, get in Leigh-Ann's SUV with her and Christy, and go in search of an open fast food restaurant. (Knocking on the drive-thru windows don't help!)

3. Go Puddling... lol...

4. Try to find every flooded street in Downtown Charleston and drive over bridges...

5. Make a pact to go to Pawley's Island when the next hurricane comes!

And apparently another BIG ONE is coming this weekend. Frances. They say its a category 4, almost a 5, and should make land around FL/GA which means we'll get big winds too. School is even thinking about cancelling for Monday! YEAH! So the evactuation plans... haha go to the beach and watch it roll up, then get out. It has been the rainiest few days here in Charleston. Whats going on? I've basically been doing nothing for a lil bit now. so maybe I should amend that. ok, have a good day whoever is reading this.